"You have a big red spot on your skirt" She said while walking behind me covering my backside from the crowd because she thinks they'll grill me for something I never had a fault in. (Yes.I bleed every month and the big red spot was the result of that.I forgot about the date my periods will come on)
"What do you need" The chemist asked. "Sanitary pad" I said loudly while the shopkeeper turned red looking at some men standing at his shop staring at me weirdly. (I asked what I really needed and I m going to pay him for that. But just saying this loudly won't change the fact that i bleed every month because I do and there"s nothing bad in that).
"I am going to the temple" I told mom while walking out of the room. "But you are having your periods right?? And you know you can't go to temple in periods!! Don't you know that? She asked while giving me a look that states I committed a big crime. I really wonder do I?? (I am pure the whole month but the moment my periods come I turn impure. What the hell the purity has to do to my periods.For godsake I only bleed-I don"t have a disease that spreads when I touch someone so why I can't step inside a temple to worship the God I want to. There is this difference between humans and God. He'll see my pure heart not this fact that I automatically turn impure for those 5 days when my periods are on)
I am woman. I bleed every month. I bear the deadly pain for the whole 5 days that neither goes away looking at my disheveled form nor spares me when the cramps turns killer. When I don"t hide that periods visit me every month why the shopkeeper hides the packet in that brown bag and gives it to me secretly and hearing me asking for a packet of sanitary pad have to act as if I am asking for some kind of drugs.Then why I can"t step inside the temple to worship the almighty I worship for the whole month excluding those impure days.Then why those voices questioning the red spot on my skirt gets louder rather than helping me giving me some comfort saying "Chill.It happens"
The society needs to change not my voice that will turn louder if this mentality didn't leave any sooner.
Swaying my hips to the darker tune I slipped into the lyrics & caressed the loneliness of the night.The jacket with the multiple flings settled on my frail shoulders trying to analyse the emptiness the air is throwing at me in the late hours of the equally lonely winter night. "I have had enough" Mumbling this in my own mouth stretching the arms in an odd angle tripping on the whiskey bottles injuring my toenail stumbling upon the pile of clothes I found a new me -The careless brat that love to hurt herself and the people around.
Looking around my own so called room I laughed internally of how I call this place mine when "This" Place gave me nothing but self doubt and loathing for one self."How you are surviving till now"I asked while looking in the mirror at the weak bones that are now showing off their stubbornness with dullness on the inside and fakeness smiling outside.Trying to punch the cheeks so that they'll be in fine shape and rubbing the arms to warm them up to let them know "I am still fighting the battle of life " Rubbing my chest to calm the heartbeats down. What if I die today?? Will this be the end of my story?? A story that was scared to even begin. A story that troubled people and allowed them to leave me alone. A story that wanted to be read and then getting engulfed in a hug to let the story know that "Living isn't that tough".The ceilings are now familiar with the choice of music I play every night and dance and then scream my heart out telling the walls that they won"t dare close on me because I know the ways to be alive even when my breathing was waiting to leave me.I know. Nights were and will always be painful as compared to day. I crave for silence but I hate my surrounding quiet. I need people to talk to me not the walls to stare back at me just like i do but at the same time humans other than me scare me with plenty tricks under their sleeves and plannings of how to push me down the cliff of doubt and kill me with the words.
"Will you stop distancing yourself from the world"I never tried to but it somehow happened. The room full of people never appealed me but it was the shady corners with dim lights or the balcony that ask people to stay away from it because of it's aloofness invited me in with open arms unlike people who judged me and then pushed me away with the snarky comments.Call this a defence mechanism or not but i protect myself by being cooped up in a home full of people where humans existence is equal to non-existence. They exist but unaware of the pain others going through.A corner with it's kid darkness or the wall filled with expensive bulbs but still alone whenever asks me to join the conversations of "How humans can be so ignorant of others pain or sufferings"??How can they be so chilled when someone is crying their heart out but all they can look for something to hunt them down and make them pay for telling them what they are going through??Lust for power kills their emotions. Kills the humanly feelings that make them human.I can live in the corner for years and still you'll find me the same but these humans often gets lost in the noise.Living isn't tough when all you have to do is remind yourself again and again is "This is not the end of your story. Might be some glitches but their is nothing that cannot be fixed.Smiling is tough with pain in your heart but even your heart knows how to fake emotions when you wake up every other day with the same smile when the world left you with nothing but loathing for yourself.
3a.m is usually my escape to a world where my downfalls doesn't exist,Where my voice doesn't get choked up with the poems that are living within my body for the last few years.I walk on the independent lanes with my hair open and a crop top exposing my lifeless body to this wind and my legs crave for this kind of exposure where they don't need the permission to breathe and run freely breaking the chains holding the ankles in it's deadly grip.I stumble, I fall but the wind,the bats screaming in the silence of night, the blinding streetlights not blinding me, the racing trees and the running roads multiply my cravings to feel the freedom of the night, to feel alive just for once even if it means it's the last night where I'd feel this way before retiring off from this cruel world just like mom always say "Humans are cruel but not all" But surprisingly I met the ones who held the crown of cruelness but at the same time honey dripping off them from every angle.They are way more dangerous than the cruel ones who never sugarcoated me and punched me tightly in the face but at least I always knew that I was going to get punched everytime I'll come across them. But with the ones offering me candies wrapped in hatred I don't even know from where the punch will knock me off the first time or the first would be the last time of me breathing in black and blue.
"Stop chewing those sleeping pills as if they are some candy" These long lost sentences travel from various known/Unknown mouths."Moving around the club with a tag of careless woman.I try to chew off the hatred radiating off the bodies that hate my freedom of roaming around late at night. But they'll never know what cravings for freedom feel like. How you woke up every night with a hope that the hour about to visit you will bring a bouquet of poems full of freedom and existence for you. How you dig in those midnight ice cream bowls just to numb the tongue that whisper "Negativity will prevail around you. Nothing else."How you let your body to feel the coldness on a freezing winter night just because for you that's freedom-Freedom to let your body be free of one's control. Those sweaty bodies will never know how it feels what punches of ignorance feels like. You share the same air with them yet they won't feel bad while choking you taking away the only source of air of freedom from you because "Humans are cruel but not all" What "All" includes??And who comes under the "The Cruels" I wish they'd come with a pre warning or a badge of being cruel.It'll be easy if the consequences are expected.
"Staring is bad"I said while wiping the sauce off my lips.Gulping down the whole glass of water I stared right in your eyes with a questioning glare but you said "Staring is bad?? Isn't it"? I laughed loudly dusting off the bread crumbs on my white shirt that stayed there till I slapped them away harshly just like the unwanted feelings -I Swear I slapped them away the moment they tried to fog my mind but the shameless feelings keep coming back to me everyday. "Are you there" You asked looking at me curiously making me realise how my face turns naked in front of you. No matter how many layers i dress it into the layers keep on falling until I stand there in front of you with tears and broken self."Yes" the replies were always limited when it comes to answering you.I can never tell you how i hide myself under the covers every night to avoid the touch that malign me every night.The hands that roam on the streets of my body leave me whimpering by the end of the night with red marks around my parched throat and blue on the wrist tied with the rotten cloth just like his malicious smile and dirty self.
"Staring is never bad when you are looking at the one you love" You whispered in my ear giving me goosebumps and then disappeared like you never existed. You exist in my dreams the ones I force my eyes to have every day at 4:00am. I laugh in them just the opposite of what I do when he rips my soul apart.I Writhe in pain when he undresses the clothes with his fingers that burn me every night turning me numb.I only know how your touch feels like.The accidental kiss on the cheek, The awkward hug that my body still craves for, The intertwined fingers. "I know you are hiding something" I was scared when you said this and I still remember how i started checking my wrists for the dull marks which were still there after the assault,I covered my neck with the purple muffler properly hiding away the hickeys he gave me when I resisted his touch.Looking at me and at the frown you touched my cheek and I remember how i slapped your hand away and said "Mind your own business!!Will you?? "and ran leaving behind a confused you. You better be confused than trying to get yourself dirty by associating with the destroyed me.
Rummaging through the bathroom cabinet I stumbled across your half burnt pictures.A razor in my one hand and in another your picture "Smiling" the one thing i can never do. Laughing at my fate I kissed your picture twice and then bringing up-to my chest I let the warmth from your picture to travel to the destroyed parts of the city I never allowed you to visit and the one he wrecked with his fucking existence.He turned a human into a shell of nothingness.He killed me the day he laid his hands on me the first time I was young, naive and didn't know what is the meaning of the bad touch.He touched everywhere he wanted to.I wished he killed me that day and fed my body parts to the dog on the streets. It might have pained but then today I would have been saved from knowing the meaning of good touch,Of You.Burying the memories full of scars within me and bringing out the ones where i felt love for the first time -I allowed the razor to free the lifeless used to be be full of life me. Once, twice and thrice until the bathroom was full of poems describing the dirty me.
Pulling you close and trying to bury your smell within me wasn't easy."Homewrecker" is what they call me.Late night vodka shots and the trip to your house in your favourite perfume wasn't easy for me but pushing away the thoughts of "How can she steal someone's man"You found me on your doorstep half drunk in you and half waiting to get drunk in between the steamy kisses we share everytime we came across either on the night when earthquake warned me to stay away from you or when the sun burnt me with the accusations of being in someone arms who"ll never be mine. I planned my own destruction when I realised I'll never find peace if it wasn't in your arms.
I disappeared amongst the cities noise, I wrecked the state's state of mind only to leave you behind for "Her" for whom i was a bloody homewrecker, For whom I was stealing someone's man. I tried I swear but one look at your letters sobbing at my doorstep everyday I came running back to the door I was running away from. "How can someone be so shameless"I heard this nth number of times but once I reached the territory where you own not just my body but my messed soul the shame left me willingly.You were the witness to my Grey days stuffed with anxiety pills but you were the witness to the yellow days where I burnt myself with the joy of having you beside me.I never wanted to steal someone's man but never wanted to leave my last chance to happiness.I was drowning but never thought once that someone's touch that can burn you can make you alive at the same time.
"Can you hold me just for once" I begged you to hold me on the night you found me on your doorstep looking like a mess."Saturday"I remember you called me in offered me a glass of sprinkling water just like your heartwarming smile that i fell for. I drank the whole glass and asked for another. I am thirsty for ages.My throat was parched with the tears I drank for years before i met you. I laughed at your tensed face "Calm down love!!I am with you" You said and I kissed you then and there waiting for you to back off from my forbidden touch but you didn't. You held my face in your hands and kissed me for eternity. I backed off and ran from you place with your voice fading in the background.I cried that night for what I did. How can i fall for you?? You were not mine and never will be.
"Let me be close to you for the last time"I said before walking away from you. The tears in my eyes are laughing at my sour fate and the ones in your eyes are trying to hold me back from leaving you behind. I laughed along with the tears,I was a mess but you cleaned me up with the tissue of your love. I was dead but you turned me alive with your life.I know you were thinking of how I'll run back this time to you and won't leave you. I destroyed us both,I played with our emotions. I thought that this time my destiny won't disappoint me and you'll be mine but I was like a naive child "Hoping for the impossible thing"I cried in you arms and smile at last when I buried my emotions deep within where you'll never be able to reach again because i won't let you.
I am taking your warmth with me within me, I am taking your kisses wrapped in my lips. I am taking us to free you.
"We'll meet some other time but promise me you'll be mine"
I am wearing pain on my slumped shoulders for a long time now.The cracking of bones and the red lines in my eyes set my heart on fire everyday yet I survive the night with few nightmares and with few mugs of sweat.Do you remember how i woke up last week?? You don't and no one ever will.Do you remember how i slept in balcony afraid the voices in my head will leave me after the voices this city supports will come to my rescue.The loud horns and the laughter of the kids playing the late night cricket will push the voices in my head to a far away place where the voices were planning to take me to.I had this dream of laughing whenever I want to and cry as loudly as I want even if it means I am standing in between 100000's of strangers.I want to scream,I want to breath and I want to live like other's do and I want to sleep without someone's permission atleast not of the voices that suppressed my laughter and intensified the volume of crying.I am familiar with nightmares and dreams don't count me in as their family.
I have this craving of getting drowned in someon's arms and snuggle into the warmth till nothing of me was left to save.I danced yesterday like I won't see the other day amongst the crowd that don't have the fucking power to judge me. I realised what peace felt like.The voices in my head tried mingling up with the sweaty bodies and blaring loudspeakers but failed as they refused to take the voices in so the voices slept for hours and I let the voices in the crowd to takeover the last ounce of hope of I deserve everything with it.My feet trembled with the pressure I was exerting on it and my palms turned sweaty with the nervousness of how the eyes in the darkness started to scrutinize the dress I wore,The mascara running down along with tears reaching till my chin and then dripping down on the floor.I looked down just like I always do and then running away from the crowd to the place where no human has the power to judge the messed me.To the four walls that have hidden the scars under the crumpled bed sheets and the poems that can ruin anyone's night but not mine because no one can ruin the already ruined soul. Nothing.
No one can accept the darkness that I wear on my skin, No one can accept the nights where I go crazy to the level i feel that I am done with everything and anything will be destroyed if tried coming my way to save me because I couldn't be saved.I don't want to be saved.No one can accept a ruined soul because no one understands to what level it pains when everyone closes the door on your fucking face. You don't have anywhere to go because you are meant to be homeless!! Homeless.
I really don't know When I started questioning the whole concept of marriage. Marriages became so radical nowadays..it is just constructed for the sake of creating a bridge between 2 families.Marriages are built on the basis of their horoscope match and not on the their mental compatibility.
Most of the people doesn't have a concurrent purpose for their marriage life , they just agree for the sake of just creating a family , getting married children..to continue their hereditary name. Is that marriages are built for.?
Hey! HOW CAN I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU AND YOUR LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS? THAT YOU HAVE A LIFE AND YOU SHOULD NOT LET THAT GO WASTE? THAT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE A PERMANENT LOSS OF YOUR LIFE TO SOMEONE? HOW? TELL ME?
First things first, you are not a coward. Breathing solely is an act of courage and you are breathing and surviving, you are brave and powerful. Ending your life because of what you are going through or what you've gone through is absolutely a bad idea because there are people to whom you are their everything, who can't afford to lose you at any cost, who need you. There are people who need you even when you don't need them, stay alive for them.
Life is a struggle but it's beautiful too. It's a cliché but it is really. The process of falling, rising, breaking, healing then breaking again and then healing it goes on just to make you aware of yourself, just to make you learn, just to make you strong and wise, just to make you experience more and more. Sometimes though most of the times you feel tired and at those times you need to rest, you need to put commas in your story, not a full stop. Life keeps giving you tests and you fail sometimes but then it again gives you chances because life is full of endless chances and you need to take them courageously.
When you have thoughts of killing yourself, kill those thoughts, kill the parts of you that are not brave enough to live. Every problem has a solution, so TALK about your problems, there is always someone who can listen. Because you are not supposed to die, because this is not the end of your story, this is just the beginning where you are being given some challenges to face, to check whether you can fight or not and let me tell you that you are a fighter, you can play this game, you might lose but your participation is necessary and you ought to participate in a hope that someday you'll win. And for sure, one day your hope will win.
Your mother hadn't given you birth to let you die faint-heartedly, you are her warrior and you are not supposed to die this way because you have got no right to do so. Death is inevitable, there will come a day when you will die valiantly but before that, you need to LIVE and LIVE in this short lifetime, you need to achieve all your goals, you need to live your bucket list, you need to live. You will die one day but not today, not today. -sakshi