I know most of the time i remain silent but i just want to say thank you. Thank you to the few people in my life that look after me, care for me, never let me stay hurt for too long. Thank you for staying by me even when i make it seem like i don't need you. I wanna thank you all for messaging me and asking me all the time how i am and if am okay . I know i don't ask you all guys alot , but am just afraid of knowing that someone i care about is hurting and i cannot do anything about it . At last I'll still say "am okay" as I fear cares because just like that everyone leaves at last! Let me mingle between the winds of time. Leave me on my own exemption, am doing fine.
Don't cry over me when am gone. Don't write me poetry and letters for leaving. Don't stand by my gave and weep. Don't lay broken at 2 a.m remembering all the memories i gave. Don't blame no one for my death. I myself silenced me . Nobody knows how many times i dug a grave inside my head and buried myself there in. And am finally here where i can see nothing but darkness! Every morning i used to wake up and tell myself every thing is alright, am fine and am not sad hoping one day I'll believe in my own lies but then you see Life is a myth. I Nearly forgot when last time i smiled with my heart open. When i was happy and not content. I wanted to see this world with eyes of someone who was still alive but everyone i met was dead already. So i decided to die first because if i don't I'll keep on dying over and over again!
My only note to you this time is sorry. I am sorry i loved you so much. I am sorry i always kept you before me. I am sorry i thought you'll never leave. I am sorry for expecting things that won't work between us. Sorry for being there when ever you needed me. I am sorry to think that one day you'll prefer me over everyone else. Now i can't handle it no more the sorrow in my eyes is breaking my own heart. Every night i see my soul surfer and it hurts me even more. I destroyed myself just to keep you safe. You're the memory that i can't keep and i can't delete . Now I've to let you go. Am writing you this so you will know why am disappearing from your life. I want you to know it's not your fault. It was all mine. I just want you to stay happy and your happiness doesn't includes me ! So, it's okay am leaving. I hope you'll find someone who will love you the way i did and you don't have to go through this pain. Am sorry it hurts to know that you forced me to write!
It has been nearly 3 years, me trying to live a normal life like a normal human being. I just want one day where anxiety, insecurities and thoughts aren't swarming in my head. I want a day where i can have some sort of control over myself. So, basically am missing the person i used to be . It's as though my life consists of having daily battles with myself. Am letting it all go.