Today was a day to stay in bed and ignore the world.
I just couldn't function with the way everything played out on Valentine's day.
We were getting along for weeks and then suddenly this day was looming over us it started haunting me a week and a half before it's arrival.
all my past Valentine's days with Don were on repeat and I felt uneasy.
This time could've been different but I couldn't shake our history taunting me.
So we fought day after day over petty things I knew would push him way,
push his play button
All I could do was watch myself helpless at my latest destructive game I played too often.
A game I became an expert on.
A trap he fell into easily,
I think a part of me has been waiting for the day you play it differently
finally, have a new move to shake us out of this repetitive cycle.
The 1st fight I picked I thought I heard a woman in the background I panicked and asked him
"Who was that?"
And he answered
"What you mean?"
I hate when he asked that
avoiding the question with a question
I didn't follow the usual route this time instead I chose to run and hide, so I dropped it and stopped talking.
My silence met his silence and yet he was the one enraged.
Typical he could do as he pleased I return the favor and he becomes angry.
But as I replayed it back in my head the memory became distorted was I imagining more after all he was in a store
a public domain with so many nameless voices passing by.
The next petty argument was all him.
Angry I ignored him when he ignored my question saying things like
"you're overreacting. Can't you just chill."
"You always on some shit. Do you know how many bitches I could've had. This is why I don't see you regularly."
I stupidly asked, "don't you miss me?"
"Na I'm used to not seeing you."
I felt my chest constrict regretting ever being so open
This continued back and forth
I couldnt stop what I set in motion
A regret I felt the instant it started
Getting offended over nothing butting heads being hard headed. He knew how to push my buttons right back he knew exactly what to say
He took aim and struck back a wounding blow
What did we gain out of our idiotic game
nothing time wasted lonely days ruining our already rocky relationship.
Fight after fight
Night after night
I tried to put it aside. Asked you to hangout Valentine's night. You agreed but seemed unenthused to visit. Sickened by your lack of excitement feeling my humiliation from past let downs I canceled. Here we go with our petty ways
You threw a fit, a tantrum.
This threw me for a loop
"I just didn't feel like you wanted to see me."
"I told you I was going to come through."
"Then why did you sound that way."
" I don't know what the fuck you're talking about always making something up, some excuse to fuck things up. You ruined my whole fucking day. I was excited to share my good news. But you're always messing up my happy days. Get the fuck up off my phone."
" Wait what are you talking about. How did I ruin your day?"...... dial tone
Why does it always have to be like this with him?
We can get so high on each other. Things can be great and something just shifts and we get like this,
old memories, past heartaches we just never seem to be on the same page.I call back
"Why did you hang up? Communication has always been our problem."
"No, you're the only problem. Fuck this I'm done with you." Cold hearted
Always treating me like I'm his worst enemy
"Fuck this I'll return your present." Was all I could think of, I was so hurt at this point
This went on and on until I fell asleep on my tear soaked pillow. Restless slumber this day was truly a bummer.
I waited a couple of days tried to fix us,
a peace offering in gift wrap.
I asked what about my gift
"What about it was your response?"
"Do you still have it."
"Why not did you give it away to someone else?"
"What about mine?"
"I have nothing."
" I didn't want to get you anything."
Like a bucket of ice water thrown straight at my bare naked chest, a sharp pain lanced right in my heart a pain so sharp when I gasped it hurt to even take a breath
"So that's how you feel."
"Yup." Cold blooded
See it's not about the gift, no definitely not materialistic.
It just felt more like I'm worth nothing to him.
He could have made something, cooked, hell even a book would've made the corners of my mouth crook.
I felt stupid for the amount of effort I put
It took me a few minutes to register the cruelty in his lack of gesture.
I asked, "Why do you treat me this way?"
"Because I can't stand you. You're so miserable, always fucking up my good moods with your bullshit."
"You ever stopped to think if you hadn't done all of the things from our past I wouldn't constantly try to push you away. I'm trying to guard my heart.I fail at every attempt because here it is breaking again. You never even truly say sorry."
"Here we go always living in the past. Get over it. This is why we are the way we are."
"Get over it?? Your betrayal, your maltreatment. If you hate me so much why do you keep trying to come back."
"We were good once."
"So I can't live in the past of my pain created by your hand. But you can live in the past of the brief moment of old love that no longer exists. How fair is this?"
What a shame I'm fixated on this mistake,
this person who's buried so deep in my existence I can't remove him with precision
his constant persistence wearing me thin.
I couldn't stop the wheels from spinning round and round in my head pounding my temples thoughts of how could it come to this?
Where did it go wrong? What did I miss?
When I got a text thinking it was him, nope it was another man from my past Brayson.
what were the chances of that at this very moment when I'm drowning that I should hear from him?
I seem to be a magnet for assholes fuckboys if you will. But he was somewhat different. granted I was using him to not think of the man I love I was never cruel about it.
He was using me as well he was in my shoes his woman doing to him like my man was doing to me we comforted each other but his last disappearing act left a bitter taste on my tongue and I was unsure if I should get involved.
That lancing pain, the darkness, the crave knawed at my common sense and I gave in.
When I made love to someone new to numb the pain I realized it was only Don that I wanted but this toxicity can't continue so here I go back to the distraction because he never thought he could lose my love maybe this will wake him up.
He has made love to so many others that weren't me drowning me out of his heart.
If only he could see I'm right here right in front of him.
I just want him to love me with all my flaws, to love me naked, to love me raw, to love me for real not make believe not the thought of me but me the one standing here naked bruised and imperfect slightly emotionally fucked up.
Blinded by foolishness the two of us.
When I'm in Brayson's arms all I see is the potential of what could've been with Don. I understand my anger now the right one has shown me what it could be with the wrong one, shown me so much I'm missing with the one I truly want so many things lacking.
He was more attentive in the 5 months I've known him than the man I spent almost 15 years with.
He's shown me what good we could've been.
What I wanted from both of them was to
Mend my broken pieces with their own shattered bits yes this is what I needed to be whole.
I wanted Don to cup his hand to my cheek for him to kiss me slow and deep tell me everything will be right this time as he strokes my lip with his thumb.
I want him to tell me he loves me still like no other to lay me down touch me everywhere
I want him to
Whisper in my ear let his voice reverberate throughout my whole body
"No one feels like you do, no one smells as delicious as you, no one taste as sweet as you do" like he use to way back when
When I touch him back he groans my name
Tug my head back nibble my chin
Look me deep in my eyes and do what only he could do to my body
I want him to hold me until I fell asleep as he strokes my hair
I know it will never be this way again
If only he knew how much pain I was in left in his wake
I was still in love with him
Silence hanging between us so loud
I guess it was never meant to be
So here I settle with the one who seems to be right on paper
But he could never replace my hearts true desires
Here I am with what could be my potential future
Thinking of my past I can't let go of
What a dilemma it seems my heart is cursed to love this poisonous creature.
Here we stand two lonely hearts being stubborn
who will make the next move who will give in to the inevitable.....