Life has been pretty bad these last few months which is why I haven't been around and I wanted to explain.
Depression is a horrible thing, it affects every part of your life and it is something you carry with you every day.
Not every day is bad, there can be better days in amongst the dark, bitter and long days that generally consume my life.
I have suffered for years but generally I can fight to keep my head above water until the tide goes out and I can feel solid ground beneath my feet again but this time it hasn't worked and I have been drowning.
For the majority of this year I have been fighting to keep a mask of normality plastered on my face. The mask of the smiley and happy person I generally am when depression is not effecting me but that effort is hard to keep up. It sucks the energy out of you, you feel tired all the time and each day it gets harder to put the mask on or such long periods. I mostly feel like I want to curl up in my bed, curtains drawn and not move for the entire day.
Things I normally enjoy feel like a mammoth effort to even start. My favourite TV show is about to enter it's mid-season break and so far I have only watched one of the episodes because I don't have the focus or concentration to watch. I have tried to read my favourite book, knowing how much I love it and I haven't even been able to finish the first chapter in months for the same reasons.
To keep my depression company it has also brought it's friend anxiety a long to the party. Anxiety is not a friendly being to be around. It puts me on edge, gives me stomach cramps and muscle aches from being so tense all the time. Social situations make me feel like a spring which has been so compressed it's fighting to break free and escape. Hyper alert to everyone's movements is another side, proximity is not an issue, I just find myself constantly aware of where everyone is and where they are moving too and from and so I avoid social situations especially with those I don't know.
All of this has affected my ability to do my job to a standard I would be happy with. Normally work is a great distraction for me, the routine the fact I know whay I am doing and can do it well... The thought of being around people I don't know, knowing that I wouldn't have the focus or concentration to be able to carry out even simple tasks has meant I have been signed off sick and the thought of returning at the moment is not one that fulls me with good feelings.
Help is slow, most organisations have waiting lists that are months long and even when you do get in they are not regular appointments or have massive waiting times between each one which does not really allow any progress to happen. Medication does not seem to be working and they are still messing around with types and dosages.
It's a long battle and it's one that is always up hill with no flat land to catch your breath, you are always constantly fighting. There have been times where I have given up, and although I have not physically taken any action I have had several times where I have made some sort of plan to make it all end.
For now I am still here and I am still fighting everyday even though it does get harder with every breath and heart beat. I dont want to give up, I am stubborn and I don't like to be beaten... But this is one battle I may not be able to win despite putting in all my effort and taking all the right steps...