Automatic Entrances or Automatic Humiliation?
I'm almost entirely convinced that my life is nothing but a comedy produced by God for everyone up there to escape the Daily Grind of life in heaven and enjoy a good laugh from time to time! Because, as you can imagine, it's completely understandable that after all that boring harp-playing, never-ending cloud lounging and euphoric happiness with loved ones... a person could use a good laugh too mix things up a bit, right? So that's where I come in! Hey everyone, it's time to watch the number one comedy special on Heaven TV network, Tammy's life of mishaps and misfortune starring, Tammy!
There are things in life that happened only once in a blue moon to only a few people... We usually refer to such things as freak occurrences or accidents. But what if I told you I experience these things all the time?! I seriously think science would want to study me if they knew how often my life defied the laws of nature, physics and everything in general. Things that shouldn't happen, do. Things that should happen, don't. Today, for instance, I stopped at the grocery store after work to get a gallon of milk... Seems harmless enough right? After I paid for it and was on my way out, I realize that I'm going to once again be faced with a dilemma that most people never have to deal with, but I for some reason have to live with on an almost daily basis...
You know how when you get within a few feet of an automatic door, you hear that motor start up with a low humming sound, and the door is been supposed to open? I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and guess that you probably don't listen for the doors motor as you leave a building because it's probably not ever an issue nor has it ever proven to be as important to you as it is to me. Well, let's just say I depend on the motor sound of these doors to indicate whether or not I will be faced with the following three crappy options to retaining my dignity...
If I don't hear the motor - here are my 3 options to retain my dignity...
Chance of retaining dignity: 50%
Humiliation Factor: may be avoided.
Risk: high probability of failure.
Technique: stand at the door, and hope they open... Bear in mind, you are right at the door... Nose to glass! At this point, if they don't open, I shouldn't have to tell you that you really look like an idiot, not to mention, now you have to move on to option 2 which doubles your humiliation level or just jump straight to the ultimate humiliation of option 3 and get it over with!
----------Option number 2.----------
chance of retaining dignity: 0%
humiliation Factor: unavoidable.
Risk: depending on automatic door type this may not work.
Technique. Jump up and down on the black mat pad in front of the door. This only works if the automatic door is the type that response to a pressure-sensitive mat. If not, you must move on to the worst option, option number 3 thereby tripling your level of humiliation!
absolutely no chance of retaining dignity
humiliation Factor: At its worst
risk: People trying to take you back to the home for special adults
Technique: wave frantically at the sensor while jumping up and down! This covers all door types and gets the door to open so at least you can get out quickly after completely humiliating yourself!
Nice choices huh!? They all pretty much suck!
Yet I deal with this automatic door dilemma almost daily. I've gotten it down to a science as you can plainly see. It's best to start with option 1 and work your way down to 3.
So getting back to what happened to me just recently, I walked toward the door at the store with complete confidence after making my purchase. My head held high my pride and tact and accounted for believing as best as I can that the door will open for me just like it does for everyone else. As I'm almost as close as I can get to the door I hear the low hum of the door motor start and a sense of relief washes over me... "Okay it's going to open", I think, so, with even more confidence, I kept walking... and yep, you guessed it, I walked right into the automatic door!
I was so confident because I heard the sound of the motor that I never even slowed down. Not even a pause. Like, I'm talking, full-on walking speed into a glass door!
And may I say... not gracefully. And very loudly. Has anyone heard something or someone hit one of those doors!? What the hell!? It sounded as if I broke through it like Batman just arrived to save the day! Then, to make matters worse, three store employees come running up to me, yelling, "are you okay!?" I'm sure this was done just in case anyone else in the store missed it and needed a recap! And what do you know it when the first employee got within 10 feet of me... that freaking door opened!!! I could almost swear it was possessed and mocking me as it slowly swung open for the employee who was nowhere near as close to it as I had been! So before I went psycho on the non-living object, by cursing at it and throwing punches, I decided to just run out of there!
Will someone please put me in a straight jacket, lock me in a room with padded walls, and give me some lithium? Maybe then I'll be fine! Ughhhh! Life is exhausting!
Done ranting, Thanks for listening!