I can no longer control my highs and lows
So no one can blame me for what I have in my soul; Mercury is in retrograde
And I wish I could show you what I see
But I fear that I'm losing my mind and I feel my brain disintegrate
He loved my hair long, the way it would reach and move with my hips, but my lips or rather what words I formed with them and their meaning meant nothing to him
So now I have it short, back to black
I shaved it all and went back to my roots
I think I needed cleansing, if there was a way to make amends then i would reach out across the table to give you my hand
But why should I continue to submit everything that I have and what makes me who I am to this man?
No, to this boy
I do not need apologies, because I know you wouldn't mean them, or you would have tried by now
I used to be afraid of you and how insignificant you made me feel, but being alone showed me what I'm capable of and honestly I'm still afraid of the future and what's ahead
Yet, I know it won't depend on who or whether or not I have someone sleeping beside me on my bed
I am alone
Not even close
But in some way, in some thoughts deep as in space, I feel that I am exposed
To the world
That everyone can see me, when I can't even see myself
As I write I feel my words begin to lose meaning so I pick up the pace to prevent delays
That's the key to self awareness, not allowing your flow of thought to be stopped
Pen to paper movement continues
You can't allow yourself to pause and think because then self analysis and other types of cognitive processing will get in the way of forming instant ideas whether they are good or bad
I am lost
I am damaged
I am non-refundable
But most importantly, I am fading
Who will remember me?
Who will honor me?
My memory - in death - when no one dared to do so in life, living everyday, even just in passing
I long skinship, but I would settle for friendship
I dream of love and warmth
I see the silver lining peaking through the borders of the blinds
I feel your breathing, heat radiating from your body to mine
I feel safe as your arms have bound me close to your heart and I've reached eternal bliss because I found the home I have been looking for
I turn around to face you, caressing your skin as I do so, feeling the soft blankets protecting us
I feel safe
But you are not there, I will never see your face
Reality is tough to swallow, but I'm forced to do so and I open my eyes to see the truth
It's just me in my room, realizing that I've become hard
Not due to desires for any sexual encounters or behaviors but for the emotional barriers that I have set up because people are not as loving as they try to seem
But I understand that's the reason it's called a "dream"
I feel cold
I am distant
I avoid people, especially those who would be willing to get to know me or form any type of relationship
I feel trapped
What do you gain?
What are your ulterior motives?
Because none can be truly altruistic
Or maybe, are you insane?
Will you hurt me?
Or does my pain resonate within you and draws you to me?
I'd prefer the starving artist over the handsome manipulator
But what I lack is stimulus, I'm eager to learn
What might you have to offer?
Educate me, with conversations and trips to museums
Let me hear your songs, whether they are written in a key or sung with spoken words
I lack passion, which is a crucial driving force to hopeless romantics
I have found my purpose in life, but it doesn't make me happy if I can't find another person to share it with
I used to think that my purpose in life was loving you, but I doubt I'll ever find you
However, I sleep better now, with a more space to stretch my arms and legs until I form an X, knowing that my purpose is loving myself
I educate myself
I explore by myself
I pleasure myself
And live my life for me, which not many people have the freedom or opportunity to do
So looking back, I am not lost
I am Alice
I have no destination so it doesn't matter which way I go
Yes, I remain fading, but with the rest of this world at this very moment in time
So I am not alone and something that causes my eyes to shine remain bright with this new found self love caused by my self awareness
I am happy and I have hope
And I will live everyday like I'm certain that nothing will ever hurt me again, not like before
Although, in fact, I don't