How long can I hide?
I asked myself this question many times.
How long can I pretend
That sometimes I'm not strong
And sometimes I give in
To the wrong thoughts and oblivion.
The space that hangs around
Even when I write something impacting,
Eats my mind and tells me
I'm not worth it.
After I recieve a text from someone
Who tells me they're not good,
I had to dust off my shoulders
And let go of being misunderstood.
The battle is so strong,
It keeps me slow when moving.
It obscures everything I thought I would be achieving :
The pinnacle of being an inspiration.
The doors have to be closed
When I enter into the real world.
I had to leave my doubts and insecurities
And be free like a redeemed.
Honestly, the face that I show
The smiling, kind and mild one
Is not always that is inside of me.
Somedays I grab my phone
And try to post something inspirational
But alongside with it
Is a battle no one knows
But only God who is with me.
I had to battle shame and accusations,
The regret of past mistakes
And write something
Worth for readers to contemplate.
It's something that no one sees,
No one can comprehend.
Almost everyday I bury my head
In a rubble of prayers having no end.
I call those circumstances storms,
That beat me black and blue.
They sometimes silence their roar
Or sometimes make a violent tune.
But you can ask me
How could I stand, walk and talk
When everything inside of me
Is not the original copy.
It's God's grace that keeps reminding me
How frail I am on my own,
How I could fail a million times while trying
But I can still keep on running back home.
It's His love that tenders that beat,
The effect of the storm on me.
Though I get burned in that daily fight,
Jesus soothes the wound, in His Glorious light.
I'm not putting up a facade,
A fake face or a breathing liar.
I've been through those times
When all I wanted was to retire.
But He calls me through His word
To persevere, to fight on.
To brave my soul
Like a redeemed.
If they ask me,
"What's this joy and smile on your face?"
I'll tell them :
They are Broken pieces of a surrendered heart
Healed in an incredible way.
Nothing I did could mend the wounds
But only by Jesus' grace.