I know I'm scared. Scared of getting hurt again. Because when I look at myself in the mirror, when I feel the pace of my pulse pick up, I see her again. It’s not like I want to go back down that dangerous road, but I can’t help the wave of old images that flood my mind. It’s like I'm back in this dark place, on that rainy day when I came home from work and walked in on her packing her bags. And I know the ghost of this feeling will never leave me. I know the memory is etched into every inch of my being. How the air left my lungs in one single rush when my eyes met her wild ones, how she threw up her hands for lack of a reasonable explanation. But no matter what I said, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get her to stay. She still walked out the door and left me alone. And ever since that day I've been scared. Terrified. What if the next person I let in left me like she’d done? What if I could never be enough again to make someone stay? Would it be worth it, putting everything on the line again just to be disappointed? I want to take that fear from myself. I can’t promise that I will never be hurt again. That I will never be left again, that my heart will never be broken, that the person I love the most will never cheat on me or lose their heart to someone else. But there is one thing I am sure of that no person that comes into your life at one point and makes it better somehow, no matter if they are around for a month, three years or twenty years, is a waste of time. There are people who will be nothing more than bits and pieces popping up in a chapter of your life - others will help you write your story. Whatever their role in your life may be, they all have one thing in common - they will teach you a lesson.
This is no encouragement to throw myself at the next stranger I meet in the streets. This is me asking myself to be braver. To pick up the pieces and walk on with my head held high. To leave the fear of getting attached behind. To stop being afraid of being myself around others and to not let hurtful memories that belong to my past become limitations for my future.
I know I'm scared. But I know others are too. I can’t name one person that has not been hurt in their lives. That has not been bent and broken and lost their strength to carry on. But eventually we rediscover the spark that keeps us going. We move on, somehow. We always do. And it won't matter who wants to be my side because I know my worth now and I will be my side forever.