Assault with a deadly EMOJI
Assault with a deadly emoji
Just before you venture into the wonderful world of parenting, people will say "good luck". For years i took that as a compliment and an act of encouragement for the future labor process id have to endure before i could consider myself a mom. I had no idea that "good luck" actually meant "GOOD LUCK", as in "holy shit youre going to be a parent and you have no idea what you have just got yourself into". I thought to myself on sever occasions that id be ine of those moms who really didnt have to worry, cause parenting was cake, but... i basically screwed myself cause i had absolutely no idea my parenting experience would be half of what it is today. In fact, i kick myself for being that sure of myself, because NOTHING could have prepared me for my daughter. Except maybe horror movies. Let me explain.
When my daughter learned how to open doors, my husband and i decided to put a baby gate in front of her door, cause we were both afraid that shed open it in the middle of the night and somehow make her way into our bedroom and scare the bajeezus out of us. The gate proved to be successful in two ways, keeping her from wanduring freely around the house like a cereal theif after the lucky charms, and it also helped by keeping her safe. Cause saftey is key when you have kids. Even though theyre like walking hazard cones and none of them come with a warning sticker so you just gotta make sure to prepare for pretty much any type of crazy random happenstance. The whole time my husband and i complimented the idea of the baby gate because we felt peace knowing shed be safe, we had missed one really important factor when having kids. Their toys, their evil, hard, sharp, noisy toys. From the age they can pick up a toy and play with it, until they have moved out of your home YOU ARE NOT SAFE! Have you ever walked barefoot across the carpet in the dark trying to hop over the toys like youre playing a game of minesweeper only to have your entire body scream out in pain because you happened to have stumbled upon a graveyard of scattered legos? The sheer terror and wave of excruciating pain that fills your entire body the second a plastic gandolf lego impales your foot, its real. Its very real. The baby gate keeps her safe but it does not prove to be effective when dealing with the wrath of left out toys.
A few weeks ago, my husband and i went to bed, we had our newest baby in the crib next to our bed and we laid down for the night. The house was quiet, nearly too quiet to be honest, but the only noises heard were from my husband and our infant daughter snoring. I suffer from insomnia and sleep was just not happening for me, so i was basically laying flat and looking up at my phone, scrolling through memes and watching Laura Clery's help helen smash videos when i decided to just throw in the towel and get up. Before i had walked out of the bedroom, my husband asked where i was going, so i told him id just be in the kitchen grabbing a snack and he said "okay i love you tyler"................ I love you Tyler?????? My mind just kinda went into a state of sheer shock and im like standing there with this incredibly baffled look on my face, i then decided that i was just too tired to try and figure out who this mystery man was and why my husband was in love with him at 3 am. Onward to the kitchen. So im standing next to the counter, helping myself to some beef jerky and scrolling through fb when i heard a thud, at first i wasnt sure if i had heard what i heard, i thought maybe my foot bumped the chair so i just disregarded it and went on scrolling and eating my jerky. I was mid chew while reading about channing tatum when i heard it again. Only this time it wasnt a thud, it was a thud thud. Like the thud i heard before but twice. So now im getting a little cautious, i grabbed my bag of old trapper old fashioned beef jerky and held it close, cause if i was gonna die, i wanted to die holding on to some beef jerky cause that seemed like a good way to go at the time. Itd show i had good taste and maybe people at my funeral would have respect for me cause i died dedicated to my jerky. I ventured towards my daughter pipers room, after hearing the thud thud i wanted to go in and check on her like most moms do when they sense something ominous. I reached my hand out to grab the door knob when I HEARD IT AGAIN! Only this time, it wasnt a thud thud, it was a thud thud thud smack thud swish. Im like okay what in the actual hell is going on in here. Im a good 10 centimeters from the door and i contemplated going in because my instant thought was that an alien abduction could be taking place in that room, or like pennywise the clown had escaped the sewers and was jumping around in there. I was legit creeped out! So i took a deep breath, i slowly opened the door and when i looked it in the room it was completely pitch black, then out of nowhere, a giant yellow thing with glowing red eyes came flying towards my face! It SMACKED me clear in the freaking face! Then ricocheted back inside her room! It scared the absolute piss out of me. And by scaring the piss out of me i literally mean I PISSED MY PANTS!! this is not how im supposed to leave this world, idk what kind of evil sorcery is happening in my 2 year old daughters room but this was freaking MESSED UP! I ran back towards her room and before i could grab the light, IT FLEW AT ME AGAIN!! This time it smacked the side of my face, im standing there paralyzed with fear when i hear a giggle... now if you know anything about ghosts and paranormal stuff, a giggle in the middle of the night isnt neceserally CUTE! im like wtf! Then, i hear, PEEK-A-BOO! I see you!!! I reached over, turned on the light and the giant yellow thing with glowing red eyes came red eyes straight towards my face, but this time, i caught it.
And IT was a giant yellow emoji bouncy ball with red hearts for eyes. My 2 year old was in her room bouncing her ball in the dark, when she heard me try to open the door, she hid in her closet and threw the ball at me when i opened it.
Ill never forget the day i was assaulted with an emoji bouncy ball.
PS. I still never figured out who Tyler was