I kept reaching out for safe spaces.
With trembling hands and messed up thoughts, my frenzied mind drowned itself in sorrows once more. The depth of the night kept closing down on me, strangling my senses as my memories assaulted me over and over again. I felt broken, discarded, like an old stuffed animal, where the seams had come off and it was falling to pieces. Beyond repair, it lay alone in the cupboard floor , unloved and uncared for. In dirt and in neglect, I lay with my heart, the shattered pieces scattered all over the floor.
All it took was a thought, a post, a tune or a word. The most dangerous triggers did not align themselves with the barrel of a gun, but in the drawstring of our own subconscious minds. As the lights and shadows put on a show in between my eyes, I lay vacant, waiting for the moment to pass. Reminding myself that I had to be stronger, to be bolder, to be colder. I had to let go of people, of emotions, of memories, of experiences, of emotions and of myself. Drowning myself was the only way to rise above my sorrows.
The moment passed, just like countless others before it. Normalcy was restored, the flickering light bulb found a stable connection one more. Anxiety and panic gave way to a sense of relief and exhaustion. Dried tears made way for hastily rubbed smudges, a burning throat cooled down in lost voices.
I was back , taking up guard against the world, one little breakdown at a time.
The only constant was you. Images of you. Visions . Blurred. Falling. Loved. You were my safe space when you were here. Tonight, your memories kept me company , acting like a blanket around me as I nestled into a position I know I am comfortable in. I imagined your arms around me, closing my eyes and forcing myself to believe you would protect me from the monsters outside tonight.
I didn’t know how safe spaces worked, so I built one with the image of you.
Armed with your thoughts, in the only forever I believed to be true.