The Darkside Of Waitressing
Dear manager, that customer you just compt a 50 dollar meal for, because their food was cold, got their meal in record time, piping hot and picture perfect but spent 10 minutes instagraming and snapchatting their perfected dinner. Please dont yell at me, just apologize to those pancakes since they were being neglected and forced into social media.
Dear cooks, don't throw a fit when I bring back an order from an unsatisfied guest, no I did not ring in my order wrong, you'd know that if you read the ticket instead of checking the game stats. I rang in my order 10 minutes ago so don't pull that "my ticket wasn't ready" crap. I saw you swiping right while seasoning the grill. By the way, where are your gloves? Come on bro we all took the same health course you know better.
Dear dishwasher, the large hose with a high pressure water system is used for cleaning dishes, why are you using it to write your name in someones half eaten mashed potatoes? Also, we ran out of forks 5 tables ago, come on Picasso art can wait.
Dear head manager, you just walked in 5 seconds ago, right after the lunch rush, the dining room hasnt been like this all day. Also, do you make it a habit to show up right after chaos because you like the power? And does that blue tie give you super human powers? Heres a hint, walking into a diner waving around your manager card doesnt make you God. okay bruce almighty? Okay?
Dear fellow waitresses, were all here to earn money for our own personal lives, so just follow the little chart and you will be just fine. No need to start a riot in the tiny booth by the register because you only have 3 tables. You dont feel well? You must have a serious medical problem because you were sick 5 days in a row, right at lunch time but managed to overcome this illness as soon as people started to leave. What is your secret? And sure ill take your tables, roll your silverware, do your side work and enjoy being yelled at for not doing enough. How did the manager not notice you sitting there on your phone? Did you get the cloak of invisibility? Alright harry potter its time you came out of hiding, and of course now you suddenly have to pee.
Dear table of 6 in the very back laughing like hyenas in heat, if i have to walk back and forth 50 times to see if you're ready, im going to charge you for every extra condiment you ask for. Yes i put your order in, 5 seconds ago, if it were ready after 5 seconds id make sure to check the food cause theirs a 99 percent chance that food had already been made and possibly have already been eaten. Be patient, food takes time, its not the foods fault that it took so long to get ready, but judging by your makeup, time really isnt an issue with you, so calm down Elvira the darkness will still be there even if your food comes out 5 minutes late. And no, for the love of god THERE ARE NO REFILLS ON CHOCOLATE MILK! We dont have a freaking cow hanging out in the back that makes unlimited amounts of chocolate milk, i aint willy wonka and this aint a chocolate factory.
Dear old couple, its just 5 cents extra on your bill. Yes im aware you get a senior discount but you ordered two extra bacon strips, your bill is 10 dollars. Why you trippin over taxed bacon? You said you were voting for hillary, this is what she does. You eat a piece of bacon, she will claim the other strip as collateral. And please dont blow your nose like a freaking fog horn and leave your dirty fog horn snot rag on the plate, omg why the hell did you put it in the ketchup! Are you dr jerk? Or mr heinz? Thanks for the 50c tip I'm now rich enough to put my coins in the spiral bubblegum machine and watch it go round and round. Thank you my life finally has meaning.
Dear obnoxious table with the 4 loud out of control kids, crayons are hard to get out of the carpet, we are limited to green and yellow, im sorry we dont carry the colors of the rainbow, but let me go find dorothy and ask her if she found the other side of the rainbow, your extra crayons should be there dont you worry. Yeah i have kids, where are they? Um im at work obviously they're at home, this isnt a daycare, even though half the servers act like babies.
Dear schedule maker, no i was not aware i had to be at work 5 minutes ago, you made the schedule 4 minutes and 50 seconds ago i do not have the gift of mind reading, professor Xavier said not to use cerebero, im obeying orders. And no im not working today, its my day off remember? The day off i was supposed to have a month ago but you called me each scheduled day off just to promise me a day off after i worked one of my days off.
Dear picky unsatisfied guests,
I will be happy to assist you on what to choose for dinner but i am an employee here, i see the food being made, i know how it's made and i know who made it, so for your own well being id rather not ruin yourdining experience. Just trust me, take the blue pill and just stay in the matrix, its safer not knowing the truth. So you want chicken and waffles, but you want the chicken grilled and the waffles on the side? Sure! Oh im sorry were you wanting to add more? Agh. Okay so the chicken grilled, waffles on the side, eggs on top of the waffle, poached with a garnish, 3 lemon slices and hash browns made crispy but soft and you want those covered in what? Okay sure i can do that and while im at it ill re write the entire menu to fit your special needs. Any thing else master? Sir i dont make the prices, nor do i make the food, if you would have read what was in the menu first before diving into the sea of the unknown you wouldnt be arguing with me, im not going to talk you off the ledge while you angrily decide between potatoes or hashbrows. Just make up your mind rose, or toss your decisions in the ocean like you did the blue diamand
Dear smoke break takers, yes i took your table, you were gone for so long i asumed you keeled over so out of respect to you i decided to continue living vicariously through you by taking care of your lonely tables. Your legacy remains strong! Fight on obi-wan kenobi. Btw did you find Luke? Better call his dad. Welcome to the dark side of waitressing beyotch