Remnants of a scarred lover
Some days are harder than others. That’s how it goes though, right? And that eventually enough time will pass to heal my wounds, right? Bullshit. Time doesn’t heal wounds, it only creates a distance between now and what was then and your memory either fades a distant reality or clings for dear life.
Some days are harder than others, I guess this is true. But here I am with a broken heart like it just happened a moment ago. But why should I care? You clearly didn’t. I’ve tried to justify it all, time and time again, lying to myself cute phrases like “Theres a reason why he did this. It was my fault. My bad. My mistake.” And empty promises of “This will be the last time, I swear it”. And each time I’ve picked up the pieces, trying to figure out where they were placed before, like stained glass recreating an image but the colours don’t exactly match.
“There’s beauty in your tragedy. A lesson was learned and you’ve grown.” Yeah, sure, but what they leave out is the fact that I’m stuck in this abyss trying to find my way out, but the emotions, the memories, they cling to me like leeches eating away at my being. Ignoring them like I have only causes them to surface and I catch myself hesitating at the simplest tasks. If I do confront them I get shitty fucking writing such as this, judgement for dwelling, and left still being gaslighted.
Healing is just as messy and just as painful as the events that occurred. It’s not a matter of letting go, that’s been done. It’s the fact that it was real, the emotions, the bond, the inside jokes, quirks, the soul binding days and nights that tied us together. It’s why you keep trying to check on me and why I keep seeing you in my dreams and feeling this heartache we caused.
I loved you, more than I ever loved anyone or anything; There is no word to match my emotions for you. I loved you so much that I can’t just pass it off like another breakup. Because maybe it wasn’t real for you, but it was for me.
Some days are harder than others, and today is one of those days.