Letter To My Soul!
Hi there. First of all, I don't know why i am writing this to you. Maybe because you are compelling me to. Yes, you, the one residing inside me. Why are you so idle, always, to let yourself indulge in all these foolish thoughts and developing idiotic philosophies of yours? Why you keep teaching me things that i assume purpose less? Why you keep on telling me the do's and don't's of life when you are constantly watching that i have been a fool till now to realize that my life would have suffered less had i complied with your teachings? Maybe because you love me. Or to be more exact, you truly love me.
Why am i so ignorant towards you when it comes to us? Why i forward all your revelations into oblivion? Why i always forget that even if the whole world turns against me, you won't? Why i always fail to realize that you are the only one who won't judge me for my mistakes, rather help me overcome it? Why i fail to envision that you are the sole being who won't compare me with the world and develop opinions bout' me based on my past(actions)? Why i didn't believe you when you are the only one who truly trusts me and loves me, unconditionally, truly for who i am? Why, despite of this pure love and care and sympathy and kindness you bestow on me, i don't bother about you?
Maybe because I love you that i always eject you.
Isn't it that the world does? Turning deaf and blind to those who truly care for you and love you!!
But, 'better late than never', i have realized that you are the best thing i possess. I never followed you coz' i felt you were wrong. Why? Because every single time i choose to stay by your words, it led me to some graveness. But no, you weren't wrong. It was my fault that i took you completely wrong and bothered and felt sad about things that i shouldn't have. Those decisions, things or person that made me sad are not to be blamed because it was me who choose to follow all these instead of you and when it struck me with downfall and emptiness i held you responsible for it but it was my guilt that i deviated from the path you constantly preached me to follow. You and I, soul and mind, we are an eternal amalgamation that makes us a human. And human commit mistakes, so do I. When rest of the world, some judged me while others rejected me, reflected my mistakes, you never gave up and continued teaching me that mistakes don't define me, rather it does not define anyone. It's your deed that define you. It's the effort you put forward for yourself and the betterment of the ones in connection with you is what truly makes you who you are.
I deliberately made things terrible and worsened the situations by continuing to prove my worth to others which is almost next to impossible, yet unnecessary task. Things would have been different if i have listened to your advice that the only one i need to prove myself to is you. In trying to prove myself right in front of those in whom my presence is almost negligible, i eventually wronged you who is present in me all the time. Me and you, we are arrogant but not selfish. We are stubborn but not inhumane. We are insane but not insolent. We are rude but not immodest. We are egotistical but not immoral. We are a mixture of a sea of feelings and qualities. But i was unaware of the fact that these qualities and feelings that we hold deep inside shapes us and the sum total of all these parameters is who we really are and we should be proud of it even if it makes you negative for others. So one thing i learned from you is that if following the real me makes me 'Bad', so be it. Even more, if following the real me defines me in any way, whether good or vice versa, the effort i should put on is to be best at being myself with pure originality. At least i am not fake. You taught me to never hide in layers. You have been an open book for me and for the rest of the world. And once i started reading you i could not detach my eyes. Whether others read and understand you or get you wrong is none of my business. You, my soul, is the best book because inside you lies the solution to all my problems and you have the perfect chapters i need to read to explore what i am and what life is.
This is my first ever New Year's resolution and i dedicate it solely to you. It took me time to know you. But now, standing on the verge of 2016, i resolve to abide by you no matter what happens, and will strictly stick by your conscience rather than anyone elses opinion. It's okay that i had a handful of people i considered close to me but few of them proved me wrong and left me for reasons only known to them. You are right that its not in our hands to deliberately prove ur trust to someone. Apart from you, only those deserve to stay with me who accepts me whole heartedly for who i really am! Because i know that at some point of time everyone is gonna part from me but, you and me, only death can separate us.
And a message to all those very few of my remaining closed ones. I have a big ego. I don't value others so easily. I don't respect others so easily. I don't give importance to anyone so easily. So if i am saying that i love and care for you, it means that you genuinely are important to me. But then again, if anyone of you have even a slightest of doubt on me, you are welcome to leave me because this new year is going to be the beginning of a new me. If you truly believe in me then just know that i will stand by you at all costs and won't ever judge you. But i will not be proving myself to anyone of you anymore. To stay with me or not, i leave the decision on your fine sense of judgement.
And you my Soul, I love you for being with me and teaching me that
All that I were and all that I am will make perfects sense when all that i will be.
- Elham Nazish