If I could travel back in time, I would go to that day. I would tell myself to stop for once, splash some water on my face, call my best friend. If I could travel back to that day, I would still be alive. Alive and breathing. Maybe heartbroken, maybe broke, maybe homeless. But alive. And when there's life flowing in and out of you, there's hope. Even when you feel this is the end of you, that nobody loves you, there's still hope. Perhaps you can't see it. Just like I didn't on that day. It was the 12th floor. 12th of December, 2012. She had left me after 12 years of relationship, understanding, trust. I had lost my senses, my career was failing, my dreams broken. But there could have been hope. If I could travel back in time I would hold my feet. I would whisper, mimicking my dead mother's voice "Don't jump, beta". (ghosts can do strange things )
I would tell myself, this isn't you. This isn't what you will be. Things change. Just like people do. Haven't you learnt that already? Even if you don't have a family, you have you. You don't have a right to take anybody's life, not even yours. Life is not about the money, the love, the family. Life is. It IS. There is no way to justify it. But it's something that's lost everyday by someone unfortunate. Don't be a fool. How will you know what's written in your story if you don't live to read it?
I would tell myself, life isn't quite great in the other world. Actually there isn't any life at all. Just death, the depths, and the disfigurement.
I can't bring myself back, I can't travel back in time.
But if you're doing what I did on that day, STOP.
God loves you. If you don't believe in God, this wandering soul loves you.
I love you. I love all creatures living. Sometimes I feel it's better to enter the body of an ant, or a butterfly. At least they live as much as is destined for them. They take life as it comes, however short it is. They don't kill themselves.
If you're thinking of taking poison, jumping off a building, hanging by a rope around your neck... Look in the mirror once. Smile. I know it's hard. But you have to try. Smile. Laugh at yourself. How many people out there live with nothing but a smile, and a heart that doesn't give up. And you, privileged that you are, think you have the authority to take your own life.
STOP. YOU MATTER. YOU ARE LOVED.
I can't travel back in time, if I could, I would save myself.