• whitewings 16w

    So many times I didn't go out on weekends because the last time I went out, I saw a group of youngsters with their friends, while I was alone. So many times, I declined to go to a party citing the reason to be a headache or test for which I had to study, while the real reason was that I had no one to go with. If I went, it'd mean sitting in a corner in a dress that didn't quite suit the occasion, because I've no idea what to be worn in what kind of parties because I've not been to any. So many times I just said hello and went by, avoided a hand shake because the last time when I shook hands with someone, I was so lost in my mind that I forgot I had to have a grip if I had to shake hands. Hence, ended up in an embarrassing situation where my hand stayed in the air like a dead limb while only the other person held my hand and I didn't. So many times I avoided going to parks and restaurants with 'friends', because I felt they're inviting me just because they feel it'd be rude if they didn't. In their heart, they must be sincerely wishing I declined. I've missed out on so much in life. Because all these 'normal' activities remind me how empty my life has been. I avoid these. Because they serve as a mirror to the non existent life in my breaths. And reason has always been an insecurity that has been so deeply ingrained in me, that no matter how much I try, it just won't go away.

    ©whitewings