• ashamuntha 6w

    Loving him wasn't easy.

    I knew what I was getting myself into cause I didn't fall, I walked into love with him, taking one step at a time.
    The promises he made to his lover, the moments he shared with other women slowly became these voices in my head.
    Sometimes I listened, sometimes I didn't.
    They always said , " Give him all you have but he is not here to stay "

    I was the best friend he could talk to; about the stars, his dreams, art and magic!
    I'd become his shadow when he felt desolate , his reflection in the mirror just to put a smile on his face everytime he felt lost in his world.
    I had become a protective mother and tried saving his beautiful soul from all the evil that's out there.
    I also became the place where he could set his demons free.

    " I'm becoming everything he'll ever need " , I said to the voices and they stopped messing with my head until the day I saw him with HER.

    The hands that I handed my heart over to.. were on her.
    The lips that said " I love you more " .. were tasting her smile.
    She held him like he belongs with her and he was so lost in her eyes. While she kept pulling him closer , he kept staring at her like she was magic and that broke me.

    The man I shaped my life around, the man who told me I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, the man I built a home for ( in my heart ) , the man I introduced to the universe and the mysteries within me , broke my heart. He picked one of those broken pieces with the sharpest edge, engraved the words " YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH " on my soul.

    I gave him my heart, my soul worshipped him hoping he'd love me just the way I did, but he just unleashed my inner demons & helped them become the strength of those voices.
    And now, the voices never stop screaming " You will never be enough " and the demons never let my wounds heal.

    I wish my love for him had the power to control his loyalty, but for him I was just a secret lover.
    Just another crazy woman.

    The only option the strong woman in me had was to walk away. But the woman who was so madly in love with him chose to walk away to punish herself.
    I knew living without him would feel like hell, but watching him with another woman after everything I gave him felt like death. Like it was the end of me.

    Oh, how I wish he knew how hard it was for me to walk away from the only thing I needed to feel alive, so I prayed, " Good Lord, give me all the strength you can, 'cause this is the battle I can't afford to lose. "

    He is the addiction that I'm fighting and the love I have for him is the poison that's eating me alive everyday.

    I still miss him, but every now and then I catch glimpses of him finding everything I ever offered in the people he's making new connections with ; who are slowly replacing me.

    I hope someday, he'll realize that the bits and pieces he's collecting from the people around will never match my soul that still worships him.

    Loving him isn't easy.
    ©ashamuntha