Thoughts of chaos

Why do things like this keep happening
I ask my self as fall appart once again in the same old room
The same old memories
The same shadows
And the same pain
Why do the things i love most have to be the source of my pain
Why cant i just be happy once again
I keep having dreams about them being taken from me in the most horrible ways
And in the end im always the one who starts it
My emotions get the best of me as my voices take control of me
One second its my hand around their neck and the next its only pain and regret
One second he is hanging by a thread the next he has fallen down dead
I tell myself thats not me
I would never hurt them
I would protect them till the end
But how can i keep them safe in this dark place
How can i avoid hurting them if i cant even control my own pain
How can a make sure i dont fuck up and say something ill regret if i cant even control my own thoughts
Stop comparing them to the people who came before
Stop telling me that they will leave me laying broken on the floor
Things are different now
Thats what i try to say
But sometimes things dont seem that way
They might be small but theres no doubt theyre there
The little things that remind me of the ones i used to know
The ones who tore me appart
The ones who broke my heart...
It causes doubts where there doesnt need to be
It creates a void that stays empty inside of me
The thoughts that kill and the shadows that feed
Why are so many people so full of blind greed
And yet i still feel selfish
Knowing this is all my fault but i do nothing to change
Knowing that all these thoughts are only playing me like a silly game
Dreams of things that could happen and the shadows that take them away from me
Fear of the future and the past
Fear of the night and how long it lasts
I miss the people that used to fight with me
But somehow the place i once called home has only left me all alone
The shadows created by the ones who came before
And the dream of a bright future has thrown me out and locked the door
I dont know what to do anymore
I dont want to sleep and dream of things like that
I dont want to think anymore
Why cant my happiness just last
Why must everything be so chaotic
Cant i have just one day where nothing goes wrong
Just one day where im happy or just calm
One day where i dont think about the past
One day that nothing else happens and i can just live in peace
©blueroses77