Just wrote this in an email I didn't send.
It'll feel good writing this here as though I'm going to send it anywhere other than a diary, cut and paste after the fact. Now I don't know where to start. I need
to start thinking I am going to send this. I need a miracle at this point. The world has been after me so long and my dad blames me for all of it. Well, the smallest part that I've told him since mostly I let the world do what they will to avoid my dad telling me he'd rather i die than to protect me or help me protect myself. I only cry cause my pain is my son's and my mother's. I'd rather, like my dad, i were dead too, if it weren't for them. I didn't mean to go crazy and I'm sorry i did. These night terrors weren't in my plan, although my dad would say they were my making and you seem to blame me also. But I'm sorry for them. They were in my head alone and it's my fault I'm not handling them with grace, but rather with fear and cowardice. It is my fault I can't benefit from therapy or from the friends who do seem to care. I put all my eggs in one basket and I know better. But I can't change the way I feel and what I need to change my reaction to all that is so far gone now. I can't help it. I've tried and I just can't cure this need to get support from the few that are deadset against giving it. I think that's the only reason I need their support, because I know I can't have it. If I had it I wouldn't want it. Not even my dad. So maybe it is me. A narcissist posing as an empath. Ya think? Well, maybe.