• cleoangel 15w

    What depression was like for me...

    I felt like I should write something like this... And let people know...
    That yeah I was always a happy child and I always smiled. And you never seen me sad.

    But that isn't really true.

    I remember back in kindergarten
    I didn't know better...
    I would play by myself every single day.
    Without any play mates.

    And I was always that kind of child that was a loner with people who faked being my friend.

    I remember I wanted to play with the other kids but they didn't like me and always ignored me. I use to think that they were busy.

    But I still had that smile on my face and kept doing whatever made me happy.

    Over the past years when I was growing up I thought I did had friends and people liked me. And I did everything to make them laugh.

    But I soon realized they used me...
    I guess my sadness started because of elementary school. It got to the point when I was at highschool it got worse...

    At elementary...
    I was always a loner...
    But I didn't get people there.
    They told me the nicest things they did like...
    "Your smile is beautiful"
    "Your eyes are beautiful"
    "Your eyes brows are so cool"
    "You have a nice body"
    "Your so cool"
    "You have cool drawings"
    "Your so nice"
    But yet.... They all made me feel so alone...
    and empty even if those were the positive compliments I've ever gotten.

    I should've been bullied...
    Well I did, kinda from the boys...
    But that was it...

    It didn't made any sense to me at all...
    I was always over thinking and trying to figure out why did I always feel this way?
    I do smile and laugh but as soon as you leave....
    I'm different.
    I'm always sad. And left out and lonely.
    And I sometimes cry to myself.

    I remember everyday when I was at the park alone I would always cry. But I tried not to.
    Cause there was a lot of kids around.
    And I didn't want to cry in front of the little kids.
    Cause they don't deserve to feel bad or feel sad and do the same.
    So I would make them laugh....

    The people's lies
    The people's compliments didn't matter to me anymore
    The loneliness
    The emptiness
    The feeling where something hits you right into the heart and chest and you start to burst out and cry.

    I should've been more positive and more active and ignored everyone around me and told myself I don't need friends to make me feel better...

    People used me and pretend to be my friend because there friends wasn't there and left me...


    I remember that day where it was so cold outside.. I was sitting alone, freezing...
    And kept thinking these horrible negative thoughts...

    "What if I freeze myself to death?"
    "What if I died right now?"
    "What If I didn't exist"
    But I snapped out of that fast!

    And never thought about it again...

    As I gotten older... Going to highschool soon.

    I thought... It would get better. Cause I had a few friends and people who really cared about me.
    But... I never knew why it never felt enough for me.
    I was still sad. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave. I didn't want to go to school anymore.
    I wanted to be alone.

    It just kept getting worse and worse and those words I remembered the guys said to me kept hurting me over and over and it just kept running in my head for so long.

    YOU can't tell me to be positive after the things I had to go through.
    You CAN'T just say ignore them.
    THERE WORDS HURTS!
    DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH THAT SITUATION AND ACTED LIKE IT Was all "okay"

    I use to tell myself everything will be "okay"
    And I knew it Wasn't.

    I was lying to myself...

    Now that im in highschool...

    It gotten even more worse at the beginning of the year...

    I cried more often.
    I thought about stuff I shouldn't think about.
    I thought about hurting myself....

    And let me tell you guys something.
    Teens. And adults DON'T EVER DO THIS!
    EVER IN YOUR LIFES!

    I ran to the girls bathroom and cried and cried and couldn't stop.

    I wanted the pain to end. I wanted the sadness to go away.
    I wanted to smile and be happy without faking it every day.
    I grabbed something...
    I didn't know what I was doing.
    And and slit my arm... A few times....

    And I stopped.. And I kept crying and screamed...

    I stopped cause I knew it wasn't right...

    But there's more to the story... I didn't want to put any details there cause it'll for real make me cry again and make me think about my past......

    Ever since I kept thinking and calmly thinking.
    I realized I had a family that I love and loves me.
    And I had friends who cares and loves me.

    And my best friend...when she found out she was so pissed off and started crying...
    I didn't mean it...

    But I kept talking to my friends and it made me feel better. And I'm in a girls group where we talk about girls stuff.
    And that helped me a lot to.

    And I was able to express my feelings and talk about stuff that I wasn't able to talk about before...

    But I NEVER told...my parents or anyone else that I've cut...
    Only.my friends knew....
    Cause I didn't need a stupid therapist...

    It was a mistake that I've hurted myself....

    Like I said theres more to the story but I don't want to put more details...

    Today I'm actually happy and positive.
    I want to help people and I want to make people smile
    And forget the things I did...


    Depression isn't just sadness...
    I don't know how to explain it
    But if you go to Youtube
    There are kids and teens who explains what depression was really like!

    And I felt the same way!

    You can go ahead and search it up IF you like.

    Hopefully you'll keep staying positive and enjoy life.
    And don't do what I did...

    https://youtu.be/ek0sABh_9os
    There's only one link I could be able to find that's good I guess? But yeah...
    Stay positive!

    ┬ęcleoangel