• hotmessconfessions101 6w

    Cool

    I longed to Have friends and be loved like Josh. I don't think I will ever understand what makes me so hard to love or accept. I would practically do anything for some attention and potential friendship back then. There were a few girls in my school that were the click. You know what im talking about. Regina George tennage drama queen movie type. Everybody wanted to be her. They were perfect. I still don't see what the fuss was about. I think as adults they're still the knobby kneed skinny twigs that look like ironing boards with there own beauty, as they were as kids. And inside isn't much prettier. But still. Popularity, and friendship. Best friendship. The kind that makes you gag bc they have the perfect life perfect family, perfect home. And then there was me.
    Some of my memories are still hazy the but the pain is so devastating it kills my heart. I never want my child nor any other to experience the humiliation I've taken.
    So somehow the girls decided to Give me a challenge in order to become "one of them"
    I was so excited I couldn't wait. Scared obviously of failure but this was my chance to shine and god dammit i was going to prove them wrong. I could do just as them, bc I'm as beautiful as them.
    Anticipation was killing me. Even them associating with me was enough to dissipate school torture.and I could finely try to eat my lunch, instead of starving myself hating myself for being hungry, shaming and ridiculing for contemplating a single small bite. And even better, it was with them.
    Recess came around and we all gathered at the track. The queen laid it down while her girls reinforced the rules. I had to do it all no hesitationno stooping b.c that would mean I was not capable of holding their standards. I agreed. Already dripping sweat. And I thought you myself, this is going to be the death of me. But give it all you got. I believe In you.
    And there i went. Pushing my little sausage legs in my neon purple sweats that went to my belly button. Down the track and around the bind. The girls kept beside me, yelling at me that I couldn't stop or I didn't make the club. Your fat just give up, loser. You Re just gonna stop huh. Wanna be cool come on you got this, if your cool.
    And I dreamt I was flying soaring around that track. Tellingmyself I'm strongerthan they think and they'd be humiliated at my expense. I about died. So winded gagging almost bc I was overheating in that mid morning sun. Like I had chained smoked a cartonof primetime blueberry, and had copd.
    They insisted on sooo many pushups and stitups and you know what I don't even think hellweek for cheerwas as crucial as this.
    But fuck yes. I believed and I did
    Omg when I got done i was so excited tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. Looking for there approval or acceptance maybe that they were proud of me too. I did it i did it i jumped and shrieked. Salt burning my puffy eyes, and drenched like I'dbeen playing inn the rain.
    And in that moment I asked if I made it, jesse told me in his harshest voice ever, your fat your ugly noo one wants you and you'll never be good enough to be cool.
    And I sputtered out butt i did it. And then all started laughing and pointing there fingers. And many kids saw what they did, as this turned into a elementary school rally of fitness. I've never watched a episode of the biggest losers challenge or whatever it may be. But I could only imagine what there's is like vs the physical pain I just endured.
    Everybody laughed and pointed and i stood there humiliated and confused. I kept my end.
    Even if I wasn't cool enough to be a friend couldn't wehave a mutual respect?
    I said but Dena. .
    She giggled ssnd looked at her friend's and said you heard him
    And my heart landed in my stomachs hands and droped to the floor. That feeling was a knife cutting into my soul, and it hurts so deep. I bawled hysterically and took off running. It's hazy from then until the classroom. Mrs Macy had been chewing my was bc I was late to class and had a poor sport attitude. I was trying to hold it in and not let anyone see the damage and control thry had over my emotion. But Cory did something that forever embeds in my heart. I never thanked him enough, but I wrote him recently. He never replied bit at least I got it out. Thank you, and this is what I said.
    Hey you... I don't know if we've talked since elementary school or high school lol I can't really remember. But if we did I feel the need to enlighten you on how you impacted my life. One memory is all i have of you that stick out, and it's a memory that floods me w emotions. Not negative persay, but bittersweet. Thank you as well, because you'll never truly understand that what you did for me is something ill forever hold you higher than the average sinner for..
    Much higher...
    I don't remember everything, I guess I've had allot of mental blocks over the years, but as this nightmare unfolds so many have came to light.
    Thank you Corey, for standing up for me and telling the teacher what fellow classmates had done to me. My brothers popular friends made me do a physical test to be apart of the cool kid club, and I did it only to be told that id never be good enough because I was fat . You told MrS. Macey, and no apology was heart felt or sincere was given. But you standing up for me, you are one of the only people in my life who stood up for my feelings and for someone doing wrong to me. And with everything going on right now, im crying thinking about it, God. Because of Josh and my medical issues that were neglected which made me severely fat, my school child hood was hell until I started taking off on boys and girls who made fun of me, but even then it still continue. I don't know what I'm trying to say, so my apologies for the rambling. You doing that that day is the only time anyone's ever stood up for me, besides 2 others, out of all the painful wronged shit that's been done to me. Thank you for making me feel like for once in my life I mattered and someone cared. Ok I'm going to shut up now lol, sorry kid but seriously. You're a good person. I love your life.