She was, nothing special. Just an inch taller than me.
I remember how at the peak of June's summer she alternatively decided to grab a pair of scissors and dashed them through her own auburn hair. I objected at first, yet she looked at me as if I said something wrong, 3 PM and she was shining under the vacation leisure.
And there landed her heavy locks of hair upon my feet. I kicked them off, with absolute disgust. "Its nothing personal darling." She winked at me.
We were standing under the luscious mangoes, beneath the cool shade of Mangifera indica that has grown with every bit of us since we were toddlers lost among bedtime stories. I don't remember the cause of ours to sweat our lips and that of allowing the sun to suck the tad amount of immunity we had; but I can't help yet to recall the mischief that wasn't shameful enough to even try to conceal itself in her eyes. The wicked smile smirked 'Eureka!' and I tell you, she isn't the most holy person you'd stumble upon.
What I mean is, she'd be the one to stumble, while you'd be fixed perfectly on your two feet, gazing at my face, you yourself standing upright. The odds vary if it's me along her side; stumbled already upon a levelled ground, laughing at her mocking face. Either way; you'd have no chance to embrace her, she would rather choose to lie down and giggle herself out till our cheeks hurt and this pair of lips go chapped.
We walked over further, fancying our rustic pants and much of a masculine walk. She wiggled her palm through her leftover hair and a few more strands marked our trail.
There was a street artist down the lane, rushing his gentle fingers over an acoustic guitar; I took hold of her wrist and made her run over to the classic black guitar case lying beneath, supporting the card board indicating,
" I need no money, just smile along :) "
Those were the merrier days while I had a smile tattooed over my face. A slight sense of forgetfulness often took me somewhere that I probably hadn't deserved. It was another time to leave, on my own, when I finally understood what you or anyone else could've tried to say. I had nowhere to be as the world didn't know where we were. 2 AM and I was still in my own arms, and when I opened my mouth, it was all you could've wanted me to utter. It could've been; all you've wanted me to ever say. All that I could've understood; and perhaps back then, I didn't have a silver lining yet to stitch it into something she wanted me to.
I used to feel my glass was half full while now all I can stream into is the despair of discovering; that it actually is half empty. I still get high on mineral water; it tastes the same as your regular liquor, just when I have nothing to choke on, my tears are efficient enough to make me lose my mind. It's still way too early to know where this could go; it still makes me look over my sleeve, and I wish I had seen it before, but the heart has now disappeared from over it.
A random stranger held my hand and pulled me through the crowd that generously clapped along our steps as we snapped our fingers and tip toed upon the tune that seemed to have painted a beautiful path over the cemented pavement. I smiled; he inclined. The pauses we took to laugh in between interruptions were grilled along by the short twisted twirls and him complaining about my hair splashing over his face. The guitar refined as the evening seemed to slow step towards us and I could hear the happiness of the good Samaritan behind the heart strings through the notes ringing along my waist.
I turned around and rotated into a spin of a planet out of its orbit. Didn't I tell you, I'd stumble upon any levelled ground, with my socks snucked inside my sneakers? That day; however, was elliptical. That one time, she didn't fall with my applying laws of gravity, instead, she held me upright and flowed along the sarcastic ukulele tunes replacing the sober country guitar.
She diced my partner away and yelled at his face, "Its not personal brother!" I cupped my hands around my mouth and spoke, "You made me ditch my partner!" "Don't complain 'bout me now." Pushing her away and pointing at her protruding collar bones I lip synced, "You're sweating beyond control." And she replied in unison, "Who cares hon'?"
We laughed along, danced along. We lived along. She pulled me closer by my waist and whispered in my left ear, "You've lost weight, haven't you?" My apparel leapt around me and wrapped me in the most affectionate touch; the sweat made it impossible for me to separate the clothes textured along my bust. Her uneven distorted hair dashed like surf turfs; like a wave of a tide I've never seen before, her heart for once bigger than the moon we were yet to witness that beguiling night. All of a sudden, a jolt made us drift away from our sole purpose, the beats seemed to fade away as a flower bud blooms, the solitary loon screeched loud and She took three steps towards me, an all over ugly mess. I won't lie to you my friend, she was the most beautiful imperfection I'd ever get a chance to witness so close that I couldn't distinguish our breaths into two.
I demanded to take a generous hault and she coughed her breaths, running short of the smoke she couldn't resist from the summer heat. And then she indicated an action I was against of since I had explored her beyond explanations.
We escaped behind the ruins of the dirty city walls around. The graffiti was familiar to me, since we began hiding out at five every evening. She sat down, webbed her legs in her tight pants, loosened her waist by unbuttoning the faded blue bottoms and showed off her chest with two top buttons open, struggling to hold on to her red shirt upon which I still could sniff lavenders. Her breathless hands trembled and searched for a pack of cigarettes meanwhile I crossed my arms and hawked at her.
A lighter flickered her preferred weed and she bit it off with her lips; the bottom of it still bleeding due to her constant roadside runts and a rodent habit of biting it off. She held my wrist with her sweaty wrist and pulled me down. I sat beside dawn; upon a shattered heart.
The smoke made me cough myself out and she smiled her half smile, the perfect dimple upon her right cheek peeked at me. She looked at me and placed her hand in mine, locking it into a messy knot, that still has left me loosened in parts.
She cupped my chin and there was something in the eyes she hid, a truth that had never sounded more true than in her hoarse voice.
"I feel for you." A car passed by, the streetlight flickered on. A street dog did bark at the end of the neighbouring street and it made me wonder if it was too late. I opened my mouth and we both just sat in silence. Frozen by three little words not yet uttered. And there was something behind her injured eyes, all I had to do was to remove her touch from mine.
"Just don't say love." I replied with wet eyes.
She smiled to herself, no tears behind her eyelids.
"I'm not trying to be difficult. And I've just never felt this before. I'm afraid we might lose it all at once."
She just heard me calmly and pretended to have been pretending all along as she continued to smoke every word she wanted me to hear out of her lungs.
"It's getting late. I get what you are trying to say. Give me the last goodbye, I'm leaving the state with my step father." She looked at me, a face as dull as hers, "Please?"
I stood on my feet again, without her help. Since then, I haven't stumbled again upon rocks laid out for me in my way.
"It's nothing personal, darlin'." I passed a weak something that shouldn't be called a smile. "You do have him to love; don't you?" Asked my idiotic curiosity.
"I'm not running away, it's just another time to leave on your own. I love him. I just love you more. It's so much more easier with you. Maybe you'd find a better breed to experiment your hidden desires. I'm a cannibal you see? I have two pillowcovers: blue and pink. What's not to explore? Tell me. You're the one thing I want that I never did have."
We laughed under our breaths; figuring out if it was appropriate enough to or not. She smoked over; I drifted off and never saw her again. Written on carbon pages, is our story and I'm still waiting, still holding on. Caution tapes around my heart have left me bereft of a feeling she could've made me feel; once upon a time.
I do feel a bit luckier than anyone else. It's nothin' personal, you see?
She was, nothing special. Just an inch taller than me.
nightwriter_i@bluebird Your presence is a blessing for me. :) Atleast I have learnt not to lie about such things.
bluebird@nightwriter_i good that you're being sociable. Me? Well I am pale just 'cause I don't get outta my room. At least I don't sparkle yet like Edward Cullen.
Look, your story and those of whom you feel connected to, are extremely out of my lane. My mind is a very dangerous place, I don't want people to be around it. I've no one in my life to be around me today when I need them. I've been through a lot; things which are not known to you people. And most of all, I break down terribly into any hands. People don't understand my world, and I've never met anyone who sees it the way I do. I hurt people more often than everyday, and they have a saying, "She leaves a scar that never heals."
At this moment, I am scared. I'm terribly horribly scared. Letting someone in is hard for me. I don't want to hurt you in any way, and my world is not based on a story of a fantasy, of a universe you'd be interested in. My walls are not clean and I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I understand your attempts to reach out. I appreciate them. It's just that it's too late. I can't be brought back from where I am. I'm sorry.
And school? I got over with it.
nightwriter_i@bluebird I totally understand you. And I really don't want to use a "but" here. And some of your pain is quite visible to me. I won't deny that firstly it was just curiosity but now its not the same. You don't have to feel bad about yourself. Why don't you write a book? There is this thing about you. Why do you have to feel bad about yourself? Idk about jasmine but bluebird is effing great. Why don't you use Bluebird to heal Jasmine? Instead of upload your write-ups here why don't you try publishing them via Kindle? You can self publish you know right?
nightwriter_iI am really sorry . I am mentioning this thing for the second time. Don't ever think of losing this battle. Never please. That was quite an impulsive response from me. Sorry again. ❤ don't take me wrong. Take good care. Good night ❤❤❤