• mzqjay 14w

    Condolences

    I remember when I Used to crave attention...
    Not the negative kind, but a familial kind.
    I craved a positive, understanding type of attention from you.
    And that you never really gave me. (Over the last 6 or 7 years)

    You see,
    I have written poems that Could be classified as odes to you, but I doubt you even noticed.
    I am a black sheep in a white flock...
    The odd, unwanted one.
    Yes.
    I get that vibe from you.

    There is only support when it is what you want...
    It is right vs wrong,
    And me... I am always in the wrong.
    Without fail.

    It is one of the reasons why I have grown to adore the tranquility that comes with being alone.
    Relishing in the thought of slumber to get away from the arguments that plague the day.
    When I'm too nice, it's a facade... But when I'm not nice it's outright disrespect.
    You see,
    It's difficult being around.
    It's difficult being apart of you, when for a long time I have felt cast away.
    You see,
    You won't understand that because you only look at the good you did...not the negative.
    But for me...it's the opposite,
    Negative outweighs the good when you look me in the eyes.
    I see it you know.
    That misplaced emotion that sleeps at the base of your skull.
    The slight twist in your lips when you look at my face...
    It's not hatred..no..
    But it's distaste...and disturbance...
    Like I am the cause of all things wrong in this world.

    I used to be sad...so sad
    Mostly due to the fact that I would never live up to your expectations of me.
    Putting the negative thoughts of myself into the minds of others.
    Making me feel insignificant...cruel...evil..yes..evil.
    In a way... You also made me hate myself.
    Because I knew that I was never what you wanted.
    Never who you thought I would become.

    So my sadness turned to a feeling teetering on the verge of nonchalance and slight rage.
    At the fact that you never even gave me the chance to be myself...and make you proud.
    So now I'm tired...
    Because all the years of the constant belittling,
    And lost time..wasted tears..lost energy.
    Was for nothing.
    What could be my successes...my praises...my awards.
    Would mean little to nothing too you... because it is not what you want or expected of me
    What I choose is never what you want.
    And that's sad.

    But you know what's worse...
    The fact that when I look into your eyes...
    I see lost hope..of a daughter you wanted...
    But never received.
    My apologies
    ©Abeje Maxwell