“It’s cold in here. Time is moving slow, and I feel the seconds lash out like broken glass. My thoughts are racing so fast in my mind. And my memories clash into each other, but only the worst surfaces up. And I live in those tormenting moments once more.
I’m plagued with anxiety and stress. That I cannot lie. I feel I cannot move, and if I move then I will definitely fall. The whirlwind of inexplicable silent pain whizzes around me. I’m alone in this box of torture- calm torture, but it overwhelms me with excruciating pain. The answers to these existential questions lie unanswered. And I struggle to have hope, and be calm in the mind.
How often do I feel I can’t go on any longer? As if I’m running out of fuel that keeps me alive. Every moment is bitter than before, and my light flickers in the dark where all the air is sucked out. I dig deeper into my secret chambers of good memories, but it’s too deep and I don’t have the strength to dive in so deep. How often do I feel there is no way out of this suffering I’m living in.
It’s really cold in here. Time is moving slow, and I feel the walls pushing unto me; suffocating the hell out of me. These walls that I believed would keep safe from the outside world are now coming unto me with rage. And I’m so afraid that I can’t think straight. I’m afraid I won’t make it to another day of this suffering. There is pressure to let go and close my eyes into the monstrous darkness, and let it consume my soul, and wash away, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid that it will be more painful.
I look into the mirror and I see a broken heart, suffering with guilt and blame. My face has wrinkled and my eyes are empty. My lips are dry and there is no light left in me. My heart beats to no rhythm. And my soul trembles with fear.
I’m scared out of my wits as unwanted thoughts race in my mind with vengeance. At times it is chaos that consumes me, but until it expels all that pent up within it and quiets down on its own, I once again experience dead silence which is far worse. Not a single spec of hope, not a single whisper from the sky, and in this moment it even seems that everything around me has disappeared entirely. I’m in an empty world, and I exist alone, amassing the entire pain that was meant for other souls.
Things I so hate, blame and that hurt me so bad, liven up, and I alone stand in this little box of mine, scorched up with all the pain, my face wedged in the sky. It’s like woe runs on open taps that fill the little box with infernal pain; and I so drown in it.
It’s as if the sun rang and exploded above, flooding my mind with fire. Pain, guilt, suffering, blame, raging in the fire. And I alone is left to be consumed. Sometimes I want to scream out loud for help, but I don’t know how. Because it sure feels the world out there is far away and I have been left behind in this little box of solitude pain.
Sometimes I wonder why I continue living and trudging on in this path of darkness. Why shouldn’t I end it quickly?
In my prime wander much by chance, sinking in irresolute times, I feel the happiness I docked in my harbour has escaped. I’m now left alone, toying with dark thoughts of death fearlessly; my mind taking me to absurd levels of darkness.
Suffering is like a virus. It eats away the light in you, going for the weakest point without any mercy or decency, and breaking you bit by bit. Sometimes I tend to question if I should declare at what point that my life should end. And I know, it’s being impatient, ingratitude of me, and lack of courage. But tell me, suicide is a philosophical problem and it amounts to confessing that life is too much for you or that you do not understand it. To hell with it! It is too much for me and I too don’t understand it!
How much should I hold on to this void full of uncertainties and suffering!?!
Sometimes I look out in the sea, and I wish the waves wrap me in its cold arms and wash away with me forever. And take me away from this pain.”
How often do we feel we are all alone, and the world we knew has left us behind to solitude severe pain. Learning how to cope with depression is one of the most challenging tasks that we humans face. Of course, you are filled with pain, while also bombarded with guilt. And all these mixed feelings of anger and suffering are coupled with some actions that put us in bad shape- of self-torture and attempt suicide.
In reality, however, is us, humans, are fragile and prone to pain. But when we rise up from that perpetual state of pain and suffering, we get to view life as an arena, and ourselves as fighters. For sure we are; fighting for peace and greatness. And those things don’t come easy if your mind isn’t capable of harbouring positive thoughts that always propel positive actions.
Practicing mindfulness, gratitude, and contentment is very essential in living this modern life- prone to pain and suffering. Appreciating your life and other people is very crucial in having positive thoughts. Accepting that we are fragile, and not just to begin from there, but to actually base your growth in the fact that it only takes strength, determination and love. We should learn to talk about the experiences that hunt us down like an assassin, and which we struggle with as humans. When we keep them to ourselves, the issues pile up mentally and will definitely get out of hand. This I know, it is hard to banish negative thinking consumed with so much pain within ourselves. But you will need to substitute negative thoughts with more positive perspectives of how life can be bad, but also good when you embrace it well.
Speaking out from that point of exhaustion and suffering gives you relief. Because trust me, when you are depressed and hurt, or you feel as though you are alone, you feel like the sky, together with the stars and the moon and the sun are falling down on you. You feel as there is no point in fighting, believing and clinging to hope. You feel as though you are a bad code, and that it should be erased.
You have to stop accumulating those thoughts in your head. Everyone is going through hell in some way. You are not the only one, even if it feels like so.
― Regina Brett, “If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”
And she also said,
“No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.”
Open up. Go out in the world. Go in the open air and do something constructive. Occupy your mind with gratefulness, appreciate nature and beauty of life- even that’s left of it. Fill your lungs with fresh air. Open your arms wide and take long, refreshing walks and witness the beauty of infinite possibilities lying across the world. Talk to people and tell them of your ideas- of how you would wish to change your life, and perhaps the world.
Write about it, sing about it and create something about it, or out of it. More importantly, see yourself and the world with a positive perceptive- that everything you go through; be it pain, suffering, depression, is all for a wondrous goal, that if you believe in a far better person than being of all suffering, then you embrace every moment and rise up as it were a passage of the future. Because it is.
The beauty of your being is feeling your meat, not your skeleton. It is embracing, not overwhelming. Each of us is writing a book, don’t let yours consist of the same darkness defining every chapter. Light up!