I did believe in magic.. but now I feel it.. A poison it is..Yes, a sweet poison.. A poison that kills you, but to give you the most happiness.. I find it everywhere now..Everywhere I lay my eyes, I can see magic happen to me, for everywhere I see the same thing and hear the same name.. The moment my eye lids close, I enter a new world.. a world full of love, a world with blossoming trees, a world with daffodils and daisies, a world with beautiful skies, painted with the best of the shades, with beautiful stars stuck to it, a world with clouds reaching the ground, with the birds reaching the horizon, with my heart reaching somewhere it has always wanted to.. A world full of bliss.. The moment my eyes go to sleep, I find it.. The moment I close my eyes, I can feel magic..In the small world formed in my head..In the shores of my mind..In the skies of my heart..In the deep oceans of my soul.. It fills my dull life with beautiful colours..Tints of joy and hues of glee.. Everywhere, I can feel it, I can see it, I hear it.. This is what magic does to you.. It bewitches you..It kills you and takes you to a world you wouldn't want to come back from.. It gives you love. It gives you bliss. It makes you feel life like you have never done.
When I die, bury me under the shade of my childhood tree, beside the ever flowing river.. Plant blue asters and daisies on my grave.. Keep my paints and brushes and pallette on it..Let my grave breathe..In the arms of nature, in the warmth of the paint, in the love of the daisies and the beautiful blue asters..Let my soul unite, with the beautiful sunset horizon, the twinkling night stars, and the heartwarming auroras..keep some white chocolate there too..I will eat, I promise..Bury with me all my books..I would still need them to go to another world, even though I would have already gone..
My body will be stuck..In the small plot of a few inches..yes it will.. But my soul will fly..Among the painted clouds, through the storms, between the snow..Everywhere.. Then will my soul find peace.. Then will my soul sway its unseen arms and feet..And it will dance..Complete its wish of a beautiful dance, of creating a masterpiece.. It will finally do something only for itself.. Nothing will have changed.. My heart will have stopped beating, but i will have just started..Started with a new adventure.. I will be the happiest.. Time will have stopped..At a point where it would never change.. Time will no longer test me..Fate will have already done its work.. All that would remain would be a lonely world, which I would paint with life and make whole.. Forever more, I will live..
Dear soil, You remember, don't you? You remember that man coming with his Axe, a meaningless smile on face. He hacked and chopped me off, without a single tear. It was he who played under my shade, he who swung my branches, he who had hugged me.. We have carried his childhood memories. His childhood is imprinted on me, everywhere. His art is etched upon my trunk, the rope of his swing still clinched to my branch, one of his balls still sleeps in the hollow of my trunk, singing the songs of his past. I can still feel his touch, full of love. I can still hear his careless laughter. I have treasured the child in him. I have besieged his greatest treasure. His childhood, which he would never get back. Yet today he comes, to watch me die, and doesn't even flinch. All I gave him was love, but never thought that he would change so much. The knife of those echoes of memories pierced so hard, it hurts so much, that I don't even wish to live. These humans are so strange. They are once the zephyr of unconditional love, and then they transform, transform into nothingness, transform into something unexplainable. Now I lie in the scorching sun. Once it felt warm and soothing, today it is a step towards death. The sky weeps today. Maybe for me, I don't know. But I feel good. My roots are choking. They crave for water. But oh! Soil. They are separated from you. My love, you have always been with me. I thank you for that. "From birth to death, thou shall be with me. In thy palms shall be my last breath. I shall be honoured to sleep in thine palms, thou who hast given me everything. These words shall burry with me, and lie forever and forever in thy treasures." And now I will wither, choke, burn, throttle and soon sleep, sleep forever. I wait for my end to come, so that I get the pleasures of your love. Wait for me. I am coming. Soon. Soon.
Sometimes it is cyclones.. Sometimes just the silent sea..
It greets me....Everytime it comes, it doesn't forget its demeanour.. But, Sometimes it wears this cloak of enigmatic beauty capable of betraying anyone.. While sometimes the inner monster unfurls itself, capable of destroying anyone..
//Everything has masks..what we see is not what is true//
I like the sweet water of the beautiful waves. Love it actually. I enjoy getting drenched with it. I feel happy getting possessed by it. It greets me as an old friend.
But the cloaked wave. I hate it. It greets me as a friend in disguise. It uses me. It promises me happiness, but gives only fear. It lies. Its beautiful cloak vanishes as soon as it gains my trust, to disseminate a blood stained past, suffused in evil. It clasps me into the tightest of hugs. I look at myself, horrified of the blood all over my body. My body is borne with innocent blood. The wave is no more beautiful. It has turned into a viscous cyclone, ready to gulp me. "The blood, its all yours.. the blood you have reaped out of the seed you planted. This is all the sin of your hands." Said the wave.
//Every one has both good and evil. The best of the best might have a deadly past.//
But me? I am not even yet an adult. But it doesn't wait for me. It gulps me. Over and over. Over and over. I drown. And drown. And drown. All the way again and again.
But I still surprisingly live. I drown. Suffocate. Choke. Throttle. I struggle. Crave to die. But I live. And it happens all the way again.
//The waves keep coming.// And everytime the cyclone comes, it kills me. And the silent see follows, soothing me.
What happens when someone departs? Not for a few days.. but forever..somewhere unknown. Towards the untold. The tales of which have been heard. The symphonies of which prowl with all different tunes. The symphonies of death. How does death feel? ... Does it feel like a sweet fruit? A fruit of freedom? A fruit fully ripened with fresh flavours and warmth. A deep feeling of worthlessness. But it feels good to be worthless here. Does it feel like a careless life? Or rather death? Just moments of bliss with the melodies of heaven ringing in the ears and a handsome scenery to be watched?
Or does it feel like a bitter fruit? A fruit filled with the poison of regrets? A fruit grown with hatred or may be grown with love but eaten with pure evil? A feeling of deficiency. Soul full of unaccomplished dreams. The soul still pottering the world that killed it. Does it feel like a worthless life? Or rather death? Just moments of tears and the voices of the mind eating up the thoughts and creating hell?
How does death really feel? A bliss of freedom or a regret of life? I wish to know how death feels. But I will have to die for that. ... I still wish to feel death. But I don't wish to die.
You say the ones who love us never really leave us. Did you ever realise what your leaving meant to me? Did you know how I felt? What's life without a bit of risk? Wow! I laugh about it now. I understand what taking risk can cost. I took a risk for you that cost me you. The first time you called me James was also the last. Same was the joy of feeling it. "Get away from my god son!" It still rings in my ears. I really can't imagine I ever felt like killing a person who did this for me. I failed to realise that you weren't a bad person. Just a good person who bad things had happened to. I have always been lucky Sirius. To have you. My eyes always craved for your smiling face, those soothing grey eyes and your embrace full of love. They still and they always will. Someone told me that the person you cared the most about was me. True, is it? I hope it is. You know.. you took away with you a part of my soul. The base of it. Now I feel baseless. Really. My soul is black. It's lonely. It seeks you. But you are nowhere to be found. I still hate the moment when I decided to come searching for you. If it hadn't been for my stupidity, if I had realised that padfoot is strong enough not to be captured, then I wouldn't have lost you.
I simply miss you. Your expressionless face, with its eyes on me, falling into the unknown, is still imprinted in my head. I can sometimes even hear you. Out of nowhere. The knife of your death pierces deeper with every passing moment. The pain is terrible. It is. I no longer desire to be human. I want to bleed to death. But someone said that the fact I can feel pain like this is my greatest strength. Sometimes I feel like coming to you. To the land of the dead. But I know you wouldn't want me to come. Not there. So I won't. I am happy you got back your prongs anyways. After all death is but the next great adventure. I got really less time with you. Now all that is left is a few shards of memories. Short, yet to be preserved lifelong. Blurred, yet terribly close to the heart. I hope I still had you. Sorry for being a coward today. After all you are the only one whom I could share everything with, who was my star in the night sky. What hurts the most is that the soul reason for your death was me. I would have rather died than watching you die. But again I know you wouldn't want me to. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being a father to me. Thank you for being in my heart, where you will always be. Thank you so much for coming in my life. You will always be in my heart, from where no one can take you. Have a great birthday. ♥️
Yours lovingly, Harry.
*FOLDS THE LETTER AND KEEPS IT IN HIS CUPBOARD WITH THE MIRROR THAT SIRIUS HAD GIVEN HIM, LIKE ALWAYS, HOPING TO SEE THE BRIGHT SMILING FACE OF HIS IN IT, ONE LAST TIME. PRAYING THAT THE WORDS REACH HIM, AND WAITING FOR THE REPLY THAT HE KNOWS WOULD TAKE A LIFELONG TO COME. HE SIMPLY SMILES AND CUTS THE CAKE, WISHING SIRIUS HIS BIRTHDAY, TEARS ROLLING THROUGH HIS EYES.*
" .....and she left me " " Did you eat, Shahbaz? " " No I don't feel like " " Okay let me tell you a story. Odysseus lost a bunch of his friends during Trojan war. They were eaten by monsters. He along with his remaining friends on their return journey through sea didn't have anything to eat. After days of struggle they reached an island where they cooked food and got their stomach full." " And you know what they did next ? ", I added. " What? " , he asked with a childlike curiosity almost forgetting his tears. " They cried bitterly for their friends " " You are such a literature nerd. You can never say things directly. I am going to eat " , and I felt his faint smile through the cellular device.
● Dusk of August, 2019 ●
" Why did you stop writing? " " I don't feel like writing anymore, Shahbaz " " What happened to the girl who wanted her stories to change the world. Everything changed just because a guy like me stopped responding. Why do you love me so much " " You know Kamala Das is one of my favourite poetess. At sixty five she fell in love with a Muslim guy and converted to Islam for him. She started remaining behind veil thereafter. But before death she stated that sometimes strength is about surrendering yourself to a thing you never thought you can and yet what she did , she regreted because according to her no man deserved that , not even the one she loved most " " Why did you go silent " , I added. " You haven't changed. "