_komal

somehow, all of this mess is just my attempt to know the worth of my life.

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  • _komal 2w

    I feel a sense of despair swiftly,
    Sweeping it's way into me.
    Carving it's path meticulously,
    Tugging at masked insecurities,
    Shedding light on long buried insanity,
    Blindsiding a carefully constructed reality.
    Forcing me back into the darkness
    That now surrounds me,
    Choking on words and,
    making it hard for me to breathe,
    Hoping to be swallowed by the ground beneath me.
    I feel a sense of despair taking over me,
    Slowly but completely swallowing me.

    ©_komal

  • _komal 5w

    I've tried to break free from
    The shackles of this cruel mind
    Playing wicked games,
    Showing me that, which doesn't exist,
    Hearing voices that, which only I can hear.
    I refrain from looking at the mirror,
    I'm scared for what I might see,
    Will I remember the one staring back at me?

    How do you even know what's real?!
    Do you seek answers as I do
    Why can't you see what I'm trying to show you
    Can't you hear me screaming for help,
    When I'm perfectly seated across from you,
    Not moving an inch,
    Begging you to notice,
    I'm dying out here, don't you see?

    ©_komal

  • _komal 7w

    Inspiration - when we feel young by when chai met toast ( the music video is a delight)

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    As we lay there,
    Under the moonlight,
    With trees on either side,
    The fireflies lit up the sky.
    You turned to me
    With the brightest of smiles,
    You held your hand out and
    Crossed your fingers with mine.
    And I swear I could see it in your eyes,
    No moment would ever come close.
    Oh boy, were we in love.

    ©_komal

  • _komal 8w

    Can you..can you will yourself to love me?
    I wish I could go back in time and save you
    From this heartbreaking misery.
    I would save you in a heartbeat.
    I'm here and I’m hoping you’d say
    Your piece and by the end of it all,
    You’d come back to me.

    Do you think it's in you to forgive me?
    I know I’ve hurt you terribly,
    And my words won’t ever come close
    To make you believe me. 
    But I'm here and I’m hoping you would
    Take a leap of faith and come back to me.

    I know I broke you but hear me out, will you?
    I’m flawed in ways that I cannot explain,
    But I’m trying to change, I shred pieces of myself.
    some, I am better off without and
    some,very reluctant to let go of.
    I’m here now and I hope you come back to me?

    ©_komal

  • _komal 11w

    Isn't who you were a part of who you are?
    Maybe but not as much as the person who I'm trying to be.

  • _komal 12w

    I'm not looking for a forever with you,
    I'll find my forever in those little notes
    that you leave behind,
    the not so sticky ones
    that eventually find a home
    in the jar by the bedside,
    next to the alarm that
    gives up every morning
    trying to wake you up
    Only to be snoozed, religiously,
    yet it is set for the next day.
    I'll be happy with the stolen kisses
    and the cuddles under the sheet
    and the regular walk down the street,
    I'll hold your hand and rest my head
    on your shoulder and
    promise to not look for you
    in the people I meet and taint your memory.
    On days that I long for your presence,
    I'll order in your favourite chocolate chip ice cream
    and find comfort in the neatly folded shirt,
    placed just out of my reach.
    I'll find my forever in the words that were never said
    or just read between the lines of those that ring in my head.
    I am not looking for a forever with you
    I have found a forever within you.

    ©_komal

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    I am not looking for a forever with you,
    I have found a forever within you.

  • _komal 24w

    Journal entry


    There’s not a day that goes by without me wanting to be someone else. Anybody but me. I'm stuck here, in my head and it’s not a place you would want to be in. I spend hours and hours, praying. Hoping that somehow all of this would go away and I wouldn’t have to be in this hell hole anymore. I am trying to change, believe me, I am. Waking up every single day not being able to look at my own reflection. Questioning my very existence and still putting up an act of normalcy. That everything is fine. As though I didn’t contemplate and come up with a hundred and fifty scenarios of how better the lives of everyone would be if I just didn’t exist anymore. I am sorry. I truly am. I am so so sorry for being this.. this fucked up, for not being the person that you deserve. For not being enough. I am sorry. I started going to therapy because you deserve better, you deserve a better daughter, a better sibling, a better friend, a better partner and a better human. Believe me, I am trying to be at least half-decent of what I should be. On days I feel like giving up where I just can't see myself doing this anymore, I look for your kindness that while I am on this path, I still need your help. I ask you, Don’t let me give up? Not when I’ve come this far. I don’t deserve your kindness. I know I don’t. But because I wanna live and not just be stuck here. I wanna live a life like yours, for once, I just wanna live and be better and believe that someday I will be worthy of living.

    ©_komal

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  • _komal 25w

    I haven't learnt to let go yet,
    Is what my therapist had to say after an hour of our first session,
    That I look for you in all the people I meet,Hoping you wouldn’t abandon me this time,Hoping this version of you will not deceive me, To make me feel worthy of love without having to do anything and not spend hours and hours working on making this person happy, so that they don't let go, so that this void in me will not jeopardize my relationship.

    I've never learnt how to communicate, because you were supposed to know right? Without me saying it out loud. You were supposed to be there. I was under your care, constantly looking for your approval, your love, trying to adapt your mannerisms. You were my hero. I was nine.
    That nine year old me is stuck in that abyss,
    Hoping you’d see me. Hoping you’d notice.
    How didn’t you hear my silent cries?
    How did you not know what was happening under your roof?
    Will you be able to forgive yourself if you found out?
    Will you be able to live with yourself?



    ©_komal

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  • _komal 27w

    This unsettling feeling crept in
    When I had to say goodbye to you,
    I didn't know what it was,
    In my head, I was gonna see you again,
    And the hope that one day,
    I wouldn't have to let you go.
    Your eyes were settled peacefully on mine,
    While my arms lay around your neck,
    Asking you not to go,
    To stay for five more minutes,
    I wish I could go back in time,
    I'd hug you a little closer,
    I'd cry a little harder on your shoulder,
    I'd have kissed you a minute longer,
    And pray that this would be the only thing I'd remember.
    I don't know what hurts more,
    Losing my love or losing you completely.

    ©_komal

  • _komal 34w

    I'm staring at this void
    Crawling it's way closer
    With every blink,
    Clutching my arms a little tighter,
    Almost like holding myself in one piece,
    From falling apart completely.
    Every attempt I make at looking away,
    I fail miserably.
    On most nights,
    I find myself on my knees, shattered,
    Torn,
    Broken.
    Forcing my eyes shut, counting my breaths,hoping all of this would disappear.
    Until I fall asleep, to be haunted yet again.
    This knot doesn't seem to go away,
    This knot isn't going away.

    ©_komal