Home is a feeling i have never felt and maybe will never be able to feel.In few last years i have realised my senses to feel things are getting weaker day-by-day."Have you ever been in love"Jenny asked."Yeah twice -One was when i failed a test in 7th std and my geek classmate offered me his ice cream to console me and my weak heart -I fell in love with him though we never talked after that"I laughed loudly at her annoying face."And second was a kind of tragedy that happened to me "The same geek boy offered me his heart in college but i had already learnt enough by that time that : "You won't find a real home until and unless that home wants you too,Until and unless it itself invites you to colour it with your annoying habits and paint it with your happiness" and He is that kind of home that invited me but i wasn't the right person to make it one.But you know what the tragedy is by that time i realised "I was not meant to feel the feeling of home though he emits that coziness that one can define as home but that home doesn't deserve habits like "Me" Fuck !! I can easily toxicate the walls of his heart and weaken the boundaries, The plaster on it but I banned that feeling to intoxicate me because "He deserved a better person to live within his home and not me who'll ruin that happily ever after within seconds- He don't". I replied looking at the building on the other side of the road -I have heard he lives here where I used to live few years ago (I have been changing buildings since then - I still can't make those 4 walls a home -That feeling was never there//Never'//
Home can never be a person for me.I mean it take years for us to make a place our home and with humans the format is almost same but the thing is when you had a fight with a person you can just leave that person without thinking twice if your peace is at risk but what if you had fight with those four walls??Where will you go??There will no other "Home" for you to welcome you in at the odd/even hours.Where will you go??When a relationship started to becoming toxic -You can just break the fucking spell and leave the damnnn person but what if the ceiling start to question your existence,The walls start demanding answers of your decisions and what if the doors started becoming one sided -Just the exit and then no entry!!There will be no place that"ll accept you just like your old home did!!No one will hear your pleas of how you are sorry for not feeling the feeling called "Home" Maybe because you don't carry the same warmth they did.You are fucking cold just like ice and once if someone holds that ice for seconds their hands turn numb!!The same goes for you -The more someone tries to find home within you,The more you'll ruin them and turn them homeless.
I've been waiting so long for this. This moment. This moment, me diving in his soul. Seeing his beauty , his charm. His uncovered body telling me the stories of his scars. His veins. The blood in them. I love him. I've loved him all my life. This is the moment I ever wanted to live.This is the day I complete my story. I'm here. The other side of the wall. The other side of the world's right and wrong. Beyond the clouds. In the void where only love exists. Where skin is just a landscape. Where the soul takes command. Where the soul teaches you to listen to the sound you've never heard before. The sound of silence in this boulevard of the feeling no one could ever explain. The feeling people call Love. I was watching his eyes when he uncovered me. The eyes that were too shy to look at my skin. I saw his skin go red when his hand entangled me in his temple. The temple , where the cold air was soothing my soul. I was flying high without wings. I knew I was going to fall down on my head and die in his love. But I didn't care. All I wanted was these minutes of salvation. And then all of a sudden. We took the leap. All of a sudden , love was fulfilling itself. All of a sudden , we were no more two different body but just one soul. I was driven in his comfort. In his arms. When the scared heart tried to set back. I grabbed myself out of his arms. I grasped for my breath and looked into his eyes and a string of words escaped my mouth. "Do you love me?" "How can a soul not love its body" was his answer , to the question he's always dodged before. But tonight he was an open book. Or should I say, he was in the last page of his book, finishing his play. Moments passed. It felt as if spring was taking over the sky. I was laying in his arms. A blanket covering our body, hiding the secrets. The secrets the world was yet not ready for. It was the first time in my life , I saw his tears. I don't know what was those tears for. All I knew was that he didn't know it too. Our story was now completed. Our play in this stage was over. He stood up. His tears denying to stay in his eyes anymore. Falling down as a protest to stop him from doing what he was about to do. I understood. All I could do now is to look at him for the last time. Maybe I could remember him after I die. Maybe our story could find redemption and carry on the word. He opened the drawer below "The last supper" painting on my wall. He took out the gun. Pointed it at me. His eyes bursting out of tears now. With a heavy dead voice he tried to smile. "I love you. But the world isn't ready for us yet. Maybe in the next birth we'll meet and tell each other the story of how we were born just before we died." "GOOD BYE ARJUN" were his last words before his gun killed both of us.
I was so busy wasting my time on toxic people that I ignored all the good ones trying to make their way into my life. That is something we all do every now or then and, eventually we feel apologetic. Not that it'll refresh our systems and take us back in time. But it is a feel of freshness, even if that breeze was destined to be named as regret. We learn and fall for the toxicity that's much much weaker than the one we sunk in past, and that is progress. We need to pat our backs for improving our ways with our relationships. We are now so much better than we were yesterday and the poison is so much weaker than it was yesterday....
//to all of those who were never there, I don't hate you. You are my experience and I love every bit of my story//