I guess sometimes it's hard to swallow, errors in judgements. Some, much harder to digest than others and what needs to be learned from. To do better.
Trails of Time
When can I go home? Oh, never mind. This is supposed to be it, right.The place within myself, would be the only one to feel better about.I see nowhere else anymore.
There's a very fine, complicated balance within.Though there is only the surface that might appear as somewhat balanced.
Is it strange that it seems like so many people need a label first to understand something, instead of listening to understand as well? (Rhetorical )
Trust Yourself but Acknowledge When Wrong
Is it worth it to reveal yourself, when nobody can give what is needed at the core. Just, learning to take care of ourselves and once we do, perhaps help those that may tread similar paths or can give answers to.Save them the time, confusion and whatever else, when you already lived it and can give a fully lived answer. One where you're on the other side of it. If it happens. Personally, I don't want to live for no reason, something more important than myself but perhaps it all starts with healing, acknowledging and reclaiming ourselves. Then other people if we want or can.I don't see a reason to not give an answer to another person, that could save them the same personal pain and journey, which amounted to only self-destructive tendencies. Save them the time, maybe give some answers if they match for them, give or take, because we can't control anybody else's decisions or frame of mind, only what we can do and can choose to do.(Just felt like writing something )
I guess I really did miss out on something crucial. The building block foundation of a healthy functioning human being.Any parents. Please just raise your kids, emotionally and psychologically and care for them. In a perfect world, I guess that would be granted but instead, there'll be children that grow up to be adults, that hide all which ate away at their heart and soul from the inside or much worst. In a battle that was never witnessed, perceived to be make believe because it's their own fight they had to take within themselves. Whether lost or won.Everything that never was, yet was most important, still silently in queue waiting while buried alive and mourning, yet somehow still having never truly died. Stuck in unreal, undead cycles, perhaps instead living it's life out of thoughts in dreams, that missed way off course in reality.I guess becoming a life's mission to rebuild our own heart to salvage, to become self-reliant, not lost on what was needed but never truly delivered. Which turned into a ravenous black hole, consuming everything in it's path and leaving tatters in it's wake.
Question To Me
Do I believe I'm lovable or deserving of being cared for? Why would I, I hate myself and have always been useless. If I feel that, why should anyone else have to deal with my self-loathing? Fix it up from where it came from.Must have been from a very long time ago, building up ever since, from when parents or someone should have exercised emotional care and have someone to raise me but now it's time for me who needs to raise myself, like nobody else could. Which should've started years ago. To be my own parent from the child that never got raised properly, that got way too lost and never found my way back out of it.(Rhetorical question to me and self-reflection of sorts )
When It's Okay Again
When I think about the question "You are okay?" Or something along those lines if directed at me. I could contemplate the answer being "No." Quite resolutely but also realising there is no help from the outside. The help needs to be done and fixed by me, for me. Someone I never especially cared about, honestly.
Pit of Pity
A gravity well that constantly pulls towards the negative, assures no growth can happen as the pity floods and fills the well, with nothing else but that. In a recurring cycle that doesn't change.
I guess the only proper connection I'll have, is the one to be formed with myself. A connection, anywhere, the only real thing that could save me. Otherwise everything is pointless and meaningless to live, for me.My life has always felt meaningless.