I write here to express or tell whatever I feel like writing about, in whatever way I see it or want to write it, without a large barrier in between.
I can understand why the most caring people can become the most hurt and damaged by living in this world, even without anyone else understanding why or what caused it. Because the causes largely aren't visible, can be invisible even if explained, clear as day.A cruel existence to care, where there is no care and only to be stomped on, used or taken advantage of, then expected not to complain but actually be grateful for being treated poorly and to always give, to give without limits and to those needy or careless yet act like harbingers of kindness even if they actually aren't, then wonder why you collapsed since they're the ones in need or crisis, as if another person can't and can't match their hurt. What a ridiculous life. But mark my words, whatever shit is in this life or crosses my path, even if I self-destruct or ruin myself, others try to ruin me or change me, control me, use me. I won't die from it. My will, won't die off. If that would ever happen, that would be the true death of me. The true last ending to my life.
This Became A Vent
Believe it or not, sometimes cutting someone out early can be the merciful option. Before it gets way more complicated and can't be done quickly or easily. Hopefully they don't turn out to be an obsessed crazy arse, that can't seem to hear or comprehend and always twists it in their view... Including your own views, that they are apparently free to take free reign upon deciding what you said means, being highly selective of that, apparently understanding and hearing what you mean, better when not saying anything (they don't), at what your own views or not are... Them claiming they talk straight, yet rarely do. Sometimes using double meanings, can't clearly see where they start or end. Claim they don't use metaphors... yet they do... Act like a know it all, and as if they understand you perfectly, yet never show that's the case from our own view, feels very off.Urghh, I'm not normally the type to take the sharp and blunt approach at anytime but bloody hell, it's basically forced just to make a self-defining important comment clear. Never met someone I could find so irritating and they can so confidently say something that just about doesn't match up at all, with the blatant way things are blanked out or ignored like it was never a comment, yet can acknowledge it was said when brought up, sometimes not. Annoying craftiness, that isn't actually smooth at all. It's actually bizarre how disjointed it can be, while acting like it's perfectly smooth, with nothing missing in between. When there's actually a hell of a lot missing in between, seeing it only build up more and more over time. To the point can't tell if they actually can't see it, or committedly acting like they can't.Although I can't help but think, we can be opposites, as we are similar, parallels. I wonder if I've looked similar like this myself, to another person in particular.
Take A Breath
Take a deep breath in, then breathe out slowly.Sometimes, that's the only thin line of relief available to have. To have just a little chill and calm.
Good Guy/Bad Guy
Sometimes, I really hate this world.
I couldn't stand up strong enough for you or anyone else that may have needed it, even when they go without saying. Though truth is, I could never even stand up for me. I was never a battler or a fighter in any sense, maybe a defender in some sense or a protector... of myself, defender of others but not myself. What a strange twisted way to be, plus many more.And all you'll hear, is what you want it to mean, or nothing at all. Because no one was there beside me, to understand what my words mean deep down, at my heart. If I speak it, that is. Where it's rarely heard, even when spoken, plain and simple. Your logic can't understand that, only information that makes sense, in a world that is imperfect and flawed. It's not picture perfect and making great sense, like logic.So bark your logic at me, claim I'm wrong for caring, feeling or how to feel, only to be rejected every time by logic, that doesn't apply to living it. To protect you, like I would then have to protect myself, from you and your uncaring behaviour.I'm only hardened on the surface, that because, it was necessary to survive, the rest of the way, is all soft.
Faded In Or Out
Is the world only black and white or shades of grey in between? What happened to all the colours, that I used to see.
Burning or Our Own Horizon Line.
A thought came to me today "I didn't burn the bridge, I just haven't reached out." I mean, I wouldn't say in all cases but in what I thought about, it seemed to ring true.
Spilled Meanings Mixed With Life
Would something such as, learning to be okay again, be a thing that can be learned, or we have to rise above. I guess depending on mindset, it could mean the same thing. To me, in my current thought process, I'm sure I would've thought or said about learning and rising above before, but right now I'm seeing the meaning of it differently than what I've looked at each of them before. What they both mean.
What if I said, it isn't calm that holds myself together, for the most part. It's the quietly controlled and adjusting sense of apathy, used when needed to be, in the right amount and times where unsuited for me to feel what I do. The thing that acts as a stabilizer to all of the wild, clashing and mismatched pieces within me, that makes up my heart and soul, or at times, feeling soulless and empty. Except integrated on a level where it happens automatically.Fading away but so too can inexplicably reappear. The pieces, not a whole or at peace but floating. (I'll find my way. Reclaim my feeling but under safer capacity, not while under threat of bursting out. I don't really know how to get myself from here to there but self-recovery and improvement is the only option forward)
More than annoyances and frustrations that niggle away, perhaps there's also beneath that, a flat bedrock of disappointments at myself and at the world. Hidden away from myself too and expected to deal with. Expected from myself and the world to always be fine.