Syrup is still syrup in a sippy cup

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  • awsm_lavender 6w

    Nowadays I feel like its far better to talk to the diaries of pages, rather than people. No no, this one's not because people hurt me, it's because I hurt them. It's 5:00 in the morning, and it's true that I never woke up this early the entire quarantine. And I should say I rather woke up with a heavy heart but I'm happy that I'm learning how to empty that with words which I say to myself and to my little friend diary. There are some lovely people whom I met here, just as a stranger and they're like a total blessing in my life. One of them is Vaish. She never misses what I write and when something's wrong, she'll text me everywhere. And if I'm offline, even in the message app too hehe, this made me smile for a while, and I poured my heart out as soon as I opened her text today. Honestly I felt far far better.

    I realized that I hurt people, most of the times, and many of them. But that won't happen again. And this hurts me so bad that I couldn't help myself. But I always wished this all would change somehow. Maybe I'm good at pointing out things which hurt people, which makes them go away without giving it a second thought. I feel like I want to feel the same pain so that it could change me and I'll remain this way forever. But as long as you stare at the abyss, the abyss will start back at you. I needed to divert myself so badly. Luckily I got these funny creatures in my life called Whiskey and Mimosapudica. Don't worry, I don't drink and I'm not into scientific names stuff. It's just the Nick name of two lovely evils( my friends) I got in my life. They made me watch all funny movies. I didn't have to explain everything to them, nor they would force me. They just knew that am sad somehow. I always felt everyone should feel only happy because of me, and if it is at odds, then I let them walk away :)

    18th August, 2020

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    And I should say I rather woke up with a heavy heart but I'm happy that I'm learning how to empty that with words which I say to myself and to my little friend diary.

  • awsm_lavender 6w

    Okay, I honestly feel really bad right now, cause maybe I am. Sometimes I could do nothing but feel sorry and guilty of what I did. And the thing that I couldn't undo or do anything about it, is what makes everything more painful. I regret everything so much, and it really hurts. You always say that you're grateful to be my friend, but the truth is I should be. And I am. More than you could ever imagine.

    "But u didn't want to talk that time
    That day was the most heavy day for me
    I felt like bad for myself"

    I'll mark these words of yours, and regret that forever, at least that's what I could do. I told you to go away from here, and look! Here I am, reading what you wrote. I feel that I could never take this back, I'm done. All I did was to take advantage on you. I ignored you, I spoke what I shouldn't, I hurt you, and I made you feel you're hurting me. I feel I could never recover from this. You deserve happiness, and you got every reason to leave. And I don't deserve a generous friend like you maybe. I hate myself.

    I always threw you far away from the start, by my words and told not to blame me and you never did. But now I'll do that to myself. Blame everything on me. I deserve that. And the times with you are the beautiful and blissful moments. Thank you for that. And remember that I wolf you brownie :) thank you for everything. And I don't wanna end this with a full stop...,


    16th Aug 2020
    2:00 am

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  • awsm_lavender 10w

    Sometimes, regretting what you did at the past,
    And panicking bout what's gonna happen in future,
    Won't change a fuckin thing
    Except ruining the moment you're living in the present.


  • awsm_lavender 15w

    I often think that I'm going off track from what I really am. Like how Dory loses her track in the movie Finding Dory. There's nothing constant and my mind couldn't fixate the thought so that when something occurs, it feels like my mind playing the song "changes" over and over again. It is so much that every single occurrence or incident in my life takes me back to every shit that happened on the past and makes me regret each and every decision I took.

    Sometimes I feel guilty of what I really am and the other time I feel like I made so much comfort zone for everyone that each and every person in my like only uses that to take advantage of me.

    Things were so better when I never expressed what I felt. When I was important to me. When I never gave a fuck about anything. When only I knew what I was thinking. And when I never shared anything with anyone. Now I realize which hurts and which don't. It hurts when you trust people and they break it. It hurts when you say your insecurities and it's underrated. And it never hurts when ONLY you are there for yourself.

    Don't mind if it doesn't make any sense

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  • awsm_lavender 18w

    Someone wrote this for me. Nd I couldn't help it but read it over nd over again. It made my day��

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    Now I need you badly. Maybe it's because I had hurted you. I might've been compassionate to you. Did you take it up seriously? You know I pinned your chat waiting for your reply. The day when the single tick doubles and tinted with sky blue, with you shining radiantly in your dp. You are really magic and gives a relief and rejuvenate the shaken spirit. The only rose in my garden of cactus is you. You're the one who got the most patient ears to head my queries. You are love! You are beautiful! You are my love duh. But uncanny too. The perfect love my naive heart shown on anybody is you. I wonder if I'm special as you're to me or just another pest in your field who was fed by your love.

  • awsm_lavender 20w

    I've been acting weird lately,

    Just to turn to a human - a bit unkind

    Thou turned my eager to reluctance,

    Part of me believed caring ain't horrible,

    Until it's only you.

    You shall see the world throwing their vicious blames,

    To quench their satisfying thirst upon loyalty.

    The time when you should become wiser,

    Is when minimalist turn to miser,

    Show some love out of hardships,

    But why to enter the battlefield?

    When the battle is about kindness.

    Make your hard past into poetry,

    And thou shall stand up to thyself,

    Else you'll never realize the breeze slowly turning to storm.

    And love slowly turning to hatred.


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  • awsm_lavender 20w

    Sometimes everything falls apart
    Like you never imagined
    Rapid thoughts run in your head
    And it's never easy to control everything
    And act like nothing happened, and convince yourself and everyone

    1:49 a.m
    8th May 2020

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    Calm down you just need a break from everything


  • awsm_lavender 23w

    You can't simply call 'heartless' without knowing the pain it went through for eighteen years.

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    When a heart is so wounded,
    And when there's nobody to take care of it,
    It eventually dies, doesn't it?!
    Yeah that's why heartless people like me still exist.


  • awsm_lavender 24w

    Sleep fights not only cancer. But also heartbreaks :)

    11:56 p.m
    14th April, 2020

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    Sometimes it feels okay to cry,
    It feels okay to act strong,
    It feels okay to hide everything,
    It feels okay to caress yourself.

    It feels okay to shut everything down,
    It feels okay to escape the reality,
    It feels okay to dwell in the past,
    It feels okay to smirk at the future.

    It feels okay to live in solitude,
    It feels okay to hurt the one you love,
    It feels okay to move apart,
    It feels okay to forget everything.

    It really doesn't feel okay, does it?

  • awsm_lavender 24w

    I know am acting mean.
    I feel extremely obnoxious,
    When I act like corpse while you respond with care,
    But I can't imagine the harm I could cause,
    Whenever something hurts you,
    All because of me.
    And suddenly this phobia grabs me towards its way,
    Where the tables turn to the dangerous path.
    I could never imagine any other go than this,
    Forgive me.
    I could never hate you.