Nowadays I feel like its far better to talk to the diaries of pages, rather than people. No no, this one's not because people hurt me, it's because I hurt them. It's 5:00 in the morning, and it's true that I never woke up this early the entire quarantine. And I should say I rather woke up with a heavy heart but I'm happy that I'm learning how to empty that with words which I say to myself and to my little friend diary. There are some lovely people whom I met here, just as a stranger and they're like a total blessing in my life. One of them is Vaish. She never misses what I write and when something's wrong, she'll text me everywhere. And if I'm offline, even in the message app too hehe, this made me smile for a while, and I poured my heart out as soon as I opened her text today. Honestly I felt far far better.
I realized that I hurt people, most of the times, and many of them. But that won't happen again. And this hurts me so bad that I couldn't help myself. But I always wished this all would change somehow. Maybe I'm good at pointing out things which hurt people, which makes them go away without giving it a second thought. I feel like I want to feel the same pain so that it could change me and I'll remain this way forever. But as long as you stare at the abyss, the abyss will start back at you. I needed to divert myself so badly. Luckily I got these funny creatures in my life called Whiskey and Mimosapudica. Don't worry, I don't drink and I'm not into scientific names stuff. It's just the Nick name of two lovely evils( my friends) I got in my life. They made me watch all funny movies. I didn't have to explain everything to them, nor they would force me. They just knew that am sad somehow. I always felt everyone should feel only happy because of me, and if it is at odds, then I let them walk away :)
Okay, I honestly feel really bad right now, cause maybe I am. Sometimes I could do nothing but feel sorry and guilty of what I did. And the thing that I couldn't undo or do anything about it, is what makes everything more painful. I regret everything so much, and it really hurts. You always say that you're grateful to be my friend, but the truth is I should be. And I am. More than you could ever imagine.
"But u didn't want to talk that time That day was the most heavy day for me I felt like bad for myself"
I'll mark these words of yours, and regret that forever, at least that's what I could do. I told you to go away from here, and look! Here I am, reading what you wrote. I feel that I could never take this back, I'm done. All I did was to take advantage on you. I ignored you, I spoke what I shouldn't, I hurt you, and I made you feel you're hurting me. I feel I could never recover from this. You deserve happiness, and you got every reason to leave. And I don't deserve a generous friend like you maybe. I hate myself.
I always threw you far away from the start, by my words and told not to blame me and you never did. But now I'll do that to myself. Blame everything on me. I deserve that. And the times with you are the beautiful and blissful moments. Thank you for that. And remember that I wolf you brownie :) thank you for everything. And I don't wanna end this with a full stop...,
I often think that I'm going off track from what I really am. Like how Dory loses her track in the movie Finding Dory. There's nothing constant and my mind couldn't fixate the thought so that when something occurs, it feels like my mind playing the song "changes" over and over again. It is so much that every single occurrence or incident in my life takes me back to every shit that happened on the past and makes me regret each and every decision I took.
Sometimes I feel guilty of what I really am and the other time I feel like I made so much comfort zone for everyone that each and every person in my like only uses that to take advantage of me.
Things were so better when I never expressed what I felt. When I was important to me. When I never gave a fuck about anything. When only I knew what I was thinking. And when I never shared anything with anyone. Now I realize which hurts and which don't. It hurts when you trust people and they break it. It hurts when you say your insecurities and it's underrated. And it never hurts when ONLY you are there for yourself.