Greiving a death yet to come
I know you're having a hard time bubba. I didn't mean to upset you by saying any of this. I don't know exactly how you feel but I know your hurting. You're probably feeling weak defeated and like it's not going to get better. But I want you to know you're never alone, I appreciate you, I love you and your life matters to me, but I love your death just as much too bc then you won't suffer here on earth anymore. I'll be your strength when it gets to heavy, I'll push when you shove and I'll carry you when your legs get heavy. I can't take all your pain away and I can't change anything that's happened behind us. Never look back, we don't go backwards only forward. Never go back where you came from or through the same door twice. I know you feel lost and like it's dark around you, but I can be the light that shines until you find your way back. If you must go and can't do it anymore, I won't be mad, I won't tell you not too, bc I understand souly and I've been there too. Sometimes it's the only way to stop suffering an only practiacal or realistic option at the time bc everything else is so far fetched. I won't blame you if you give up, I won't tell you not to, but that's not what I want all the same bubba.I would be the first person to understand and say that it's not a coward way out. Its the bravest thing anybody can do in my book. That takes some serious fucking balls bc it's uncharted territory and unknown. I want you to know I'm here for you, in every way i can be. My biggest fear is getting a message or call that youre gone, but as bad as itd hurt my heart bc this wasn't supposed to be our life, I'd be at peace knowing you got your peace and wings to fly with a pitchfork and horns lol.Youre my hero bubba, we can make it through this, but it's only going to get harder. I don't know anymore about anything but I know that I love you and I'm happy I have you in my life.. for what it's worth.If you feel any type of way bout doing a little to much or wanting it to end. I won't tell you not to if that's what you really want bc I understand and feel your pain inside me, but Id at least like you to tell me goodbye.Please bubba.And maybe hearing my voice will make you wait another' day or decide that time isn't the right time..Jus know that it'll be okay... Right now just isn't our time. But I promise you it's coming. Be strong, or I'll be strong for you when you feel like you have nothing left to fight for.©badderbitch209
Bust back bitch
I'm waiting up all night tripping and sipping on this nasty bottle of wine. Hoping youll find your way back to me before dawns early light. I don't want to argue but I feel you outta know this ain't right. If another nigga can pull me he can just keep me for his own, but if a bitch pulls you best believe I'm shooting up her mother's home. If you ever left me for someone they better have the chop ready, cuz I'ma pull up and and my aims quick and steady. Its been 10 hours and ain't heard shit for a update, you'll be right back is turning into some other shit and baby I ain't the one to play. Is she a boss like me, can she trap me like, hang a wreath up and turn it into a home like me? I know it ain't the pussy cuz I know I got the good, I know you ain't mobbin the streets cuz you ain't been seen in the hood.Tell me to hold you down and be your little wifey, I ain't no main bitch im the one, you don't get no side piece. All these little thots wanna bust down so quick, so who you fucking you daddy, you better give no other hoe my dick.I ain't the one man I'm telling you don't even try me, I ain't gonna let no nigga get over on me or think he can slide one to the side right by me.Ima shooter I'm fighter and Ill wreck you both, Come home soon daddy I just want you to hold.©badderbitch209
Rock bottomed out
Every body's gotta opinion of my life but nobody really wants me to succeed. They all say I need to do better but they're the downfall and destruction of me. I pick myself up after each time I trip, theyre sticking out their shoe hoping I'll catch a slip. The wons cheering me on are the worst ones I crossed, they say they want me to win but they do everything for my loss.
Pilot to copilot
Our dates are always fun but somewhat stressful. They are never just a dinner and rush home kinda affair. More like, leave for morning coffee or to grab a pizza and we end up 2 states over masked up with helicopters in the horizon coming to report our activities back to headquarters. Ride or die or something like that..We were posda just go look at a house, and I don't even remember what else honestly. I know for a fact it wasn't driving 2 hours up north ish and blowing all our money at the casino, dumping a entire commerical shipment of cheezits ln the car( we are NEVER going to get them all out).. or commiting our first GTA together. I went to the car while he tried his luck. And covered up so no body could be seen. I was invisible under that thermal sleeping bag, I liked it so safe and snug.. I passed out so quick but i kept getting awakened by the dam people being obnoxious coming out the casino and anxious to get in to fuck with lady luck. Soo. There was some cheezits. A whole brand new box. And I was hungry. well not hungry hungry.. have you ever slept ate cheezits?? Judge me. Idc. God is, so why not you too. I didn't realize that the box had tipped over. So my next half conscious attempt at a handful I kept fumbling wit the box. I thought only a couple fell out. The box was lighter but after all it was like the 5th snack I had grabbed. So I popped them In my mouth after making the box do cartwheels and flipps tossing cheezits all over like confetti without being aware of the mess I was creating.I fell back to sleep. I was sleeping so hard and good. Where your internally warm and wake up still half in another world. And I hear babe you okay to follow me. Here clean the se......Wtf...why is there cheezits all my seat.Wait. Where did you even find these.Still drooling and unable to keep attention I drifted backoff and he grabbed my arm and said babe you gotta drive. And I said what whyHe said I got the Honda. I still oblivious to what he was saying snapped to reality. And said what?He said hurry up baby the car right next to us I got it. We gotta go.You okay babe? You gotta follow me c'mon we gotta go.I was not expecting this. So we proceeded back to the trap, our little kingdom that we are king and queen too.And we're mobbing. Still trying to wake up i almost hit a median right in front a cop.He hit his breaks but we were long gone before he could turn around. And lightweight I was sick at my stomach and upset bc I didn't want to lose him over a car. Or catch another gta case this year.Mashing down the freeway we hit 95 mph. Out past covid curfew. Only mother fuckers stooopi enough to not only be out on the roads, and at that doing 95 mph escorting and piloting a stolen vehicle. .Wat the fuck. There were approximately ten felonies times ten In the car I was navigating. I'm on the most wanted list as of this week. My home county hitting 3 houses for me. And he's out on bail for something along the lines of kidnapping and high speed pursuit. Once again it's not as bad as they make it sound.And I follow him off an exit.We pulled up at the gas station He grabbed something out the car, his flashlight.. and walked around the block where I picked him up and his appearance was completely different. And said good job baby. With a devious smile on his face looking over his shoulder and mine to make sure nobody suspected anything. But nobody was around but us. Crazy as fuck. Usually this is me able to pull that off so good.I was impressed. And swapped seats after a bathroom break and headed to the trap like nothing ever happened but the energy In the car was different. Lighter and deeper all the same time. And I thought to myself. dam... That just happened.©badderbitch209
If you lie to me.im going to take it more than personally.
Babe I want you to know that I don't lie to you. I don't mislead you, and I have nothing to hide from you from anything In my life. Past present future. If I wasn't happy I'd whine in hopes that we could fix what's wrong. If I wasn't in this whole heatedly I wouldn't be here. I'm not here bc I have to be or have nowhere to go. I'm here bc I want to be and I want you.I'm so into you it's crazy, I'm not worried about what other guys, bc I'm focused on you and this.I know every girl has done you dirtyy. Resulting in me paying for their mistakes, but it's not fair, bc that's them and they aren't me. I try to reassure you that I'm in this, and I'm sorry that you feel the need to remind me of basic relationship expectations. I'm not on some other shit i'm on our shit only.I don't ever want you to doubt trusting me, but you have to trust me or this isn't going to work. .I trust you...out n bout and don't question who you talking to or what you do or who you see. Bc I give you the benefit of doubt and hope that you respect me as much as I do you. I don't think you realize that this is huge for me. Letting someone this close, or nesting and trying to build a relationship with a solid foundation. I don't let people In my life, for reasons. I run as soon as it could move forward to something bigger and push people out. As bad as Ive wanted to run and not look back bc it's scary I'm still here thugging it out with you trying to make something outta two broken individuals. Its hard and frustrating sometimes bc your jus as damaged as I am but overall its worth it and not only am I happy but I'm content and it feels right. People don't change things bc it's fear of change. Out of their comfort zone, even if it's not healthy it's what they made okay and is normal. Instead of running from this bc of fear of change, I'm pushing through that fear to change things and have a life with you, that's healthy happy and content. But content doesn't mean settling or accepting things,. You always have to have goals or want better.and that's where I stand with all this..I want better for you for myself and for us. You're fucking amazing. And I swear the little moments that make me fall for you are what makes me want more for us as a team.You don't gotta trip babe I got you.©badderbitch209
I can't live without them, my love runs through their veins, my soul lives in their hearts and I cry out to them silently everyday. They are missing from me, a piece that's no one should have taken away, they know my heart beat from the inside, with each tear falling the deep sorrow and pain. They know me better than I know myself, after all they've heard my thoughts inside until it was time for them to come out of their shell.They've talked to me by just the hearts words, nobody can hear it but even miles apart Ive still heard. At night I talk to them too and it eases some of their pain, no matter anyone says I'm still a piece of them, and I'll never change that nor be ashamed. They've been my strength to keep fighting to get right, hoping that I will overcome this injustice and once again be there for bedtime every night. For now my arms are empty and there's just a sun with no warm happiness, I hope they're not broken like me from this twisted mess I know they miss me, and I miss them more, I hope theres a reason for our suffering but still we suffer even more
Even if you pop the lungs it'll still float.©badderbitch209
What you should do is let me outta bed … my heart sank for a second. Almost discouraged and a bit rejected, although I wasn’t trying to hard to seduce him.
He looked at me, expressionless, then that devious smile pressed his lips as if he knew how much of a brat he was being..our eyes met. And he continued.
I’ll go upstairs and buy a sack, and while I’m doing that, maybe you could throw on your favorite outfit…?
I seen that look of desire in his eyes, his blue eyes had dancing flames in them, and I knew it was sin everything this man longed to do to me.
I was shocked, and sat there for a minute registering what I just heard, then flushed over blushing and giggling.
So I started bouncing and acting a fool In excitement rushing through my bag but in no means I’n Any hurry.
He looked amused, and was watching me with this playful smile filling his cheeks, curious as to what I was going to chose.
I stopped, and sat there looking at him, and he looked confused.
Don’t you have somewhere to be? …..he chuckled and said your procrastinating me.
….no, your procrastinating yourself… get going..
And as I stood up, I slowly took off my shirt looking at him with a authoritive look pressing him out the door.
When he turned his back I unclipped my bra, and when he turned back my direction I was only covering my breasts with my hand.
I could feel the sexual tension between us as I moved right past him.
As laid on the bed I undid my belt. And when he got up from where he sat, he lifted an eyebrow realizing with every step towards the door I was meeting him with rewards. So by the time he got out I would be laying here naked, but he shook his head laughing…
Check mate. Aha touche. She’s good he must’ve thought as he shut the door and I was laying back just meeting the matress with my naked flesh. As soon as I heard him round the corner down the hallways I jumped up knowing exactly what I was going to wear. He’d never expect this.
I grabbed my emerald green silk robe that screams emerald citty royalty and my come fuck me pumps, shiny black plastic with a 6inch stilleto looked at my lip liner and dark brown eyebrows still perfectly in plae from hours prior… I quickly fluffed my hair still crispy from yesterdays leftovers. Then content and satisfied i slid into the bed…
And here I am writing this, waiting…..©badderbitch209
Hearts don't breakeven
Hearts shaped snitches, can't ever trust no bitches, snakes in the grass bite you when u not on you think you've slipped on past. They don't really love you it's all the same, thirsty little thots tryna get your hood fame. Can't even close your eyes, might even cost your life, can't come up of the floor when your shadows taking more. Heart shaped kisses, but when you leave that bitch switches, fuckin with your crew but it'd only hurt if you knew. She gets mad and tips the police, now your bails revoked and your hiding not to be seen. Never think it's your girl she's supposed to ride with you til your ontop the world.Coming up short n she's barely around, date with your partners pillow she's screamin his name out loud. Burnt your connects and fucked off your business, such a bad ass bitch but now she's on stand as a witness. You fell so hard and your trips were always right, now your sitting in a cell while she's out with the next nigga gettin high. Trapped so hard that bitch became a thug, the the streets and game taught her one thing, chose money over love.
We made a trip to my home county. We were starting our voyage right as the sun rose, both of our favorite times of the day.
And we proceeded into the start of the new day. It was beautiful. Pink and orange and purples all swirled
Together w the silver clouds. The sun was bright orange, and I bet if it could be squeezed it would taste like the orange juice we’d freshly press back at my childhoodhome. There was a chill in
The air that pierced through one side of your body and out the other side, although that spark between us was lit and warming our souls.
We decided on visiting my dear friend, and Chloe, the four legged over sized pup that hasn’t grown into her body yet… who was more than thrilled
to see me was indeed my furry companion. Once she realized that it was me In that car she couldn’t contain herself and acted like a toddler on a first shoogah high all jittery and outta control with no comedown in sight.
She grabbed a whole entire tree as a gift to me in gesture that she was very pleased with
My unexpected arrival and the company I brought.
But secretly I had nervous jitters inside as opposed to Chloe still vibrating from the inside out and combusting with excitement. I mean if you think about it, I brought him home. Because Matty’s the only
Family I have around these parts. I wasn’t necessarily looking for approval, but I indeed
Hoped he’d give me his blessing. Seeing Matt made me unexplainably happy, like always.
People don’t understand our friendship but it’s not negotiable or open for discussion To
Compromise. He really seemed to understand that Matt was no threat and love me dearly
Because of the things we have gone through together, as my right hand man, my partner in crime
And very best friend.
After departing we made a impulsive decision to head out to the casino, merely breaking Chloe’s heart that I didn’t stay for a sleepover like the usual routine.
This mans mind is quite expansive, and he continuously surprises me with his intelligence and extensive vocabulary. He showed me his tantic to winning over slot machines and hitting major jackpots. And on God, it was no fluke. He won quite a few jackpots but, all in all, I’m the one who scored. I’m insanely lucky to have someone like him by my side. We compliment another and work together not against another like most items do in this era.
I tend to get wreckless and not see things for what they really are. And he brings me back to practicalilty and reality. I often feel chaos inside, nerves or a hysteria I can’t control like frantically escaping something or searching for something I can’t find. And when I’m with him, it all just makes sense.
He’s amazing. He brings peace to my soul and soothes my inner chaos of the shit storm I call my life.
His cash out ticket I spun on 1 hit on a slot, and it ended up at 22. His number…
Weirdly enough I just realized my lucky number 11, adds up to 22 or is 22 divided in half.
Hmmmm. Checks out. Coincidence or irony, a sign of some sort?
And then uhmmmm?
And then… we met up with my brother.
It went okay..
I only lost a few tears. But no one seen them, I think.
My brother and him were dam near two peas in a pod. I was harping on my brother for his in appropriate behavior and Tee nonchalantly made light of the situation and echoed his sound effects back.
It was a baby step in the right direction on the road of healing and repairing a very fragile situation, I don't think I could have been as ok as I was after we pulled away if I didn’t have this man right by my side.
You can’t go anywhere until you take the first step, being unsteady and unsure of my steps it’s a beautiful feeling to know that I didn’t have to take the first step alone.
And then we peeled back the entire ignition. Hidden along side the horse trailer. Trying to be as quiet as we possibly could, so no one would see that we were determined to get this truck off the property without raising suspicion, the two of us using an impact gun w tweaker lights in the dark while the gods shed their tears down upon us. Sadly enough. We were in my driveway, trying to fix the ignition that was seized. Im a cold piece, i cant help it. My poor Gramma already thinks shes going off her rocker, and today i helped tighten that straight jacket up a little bit more and really though. Im sorry gramma but i gas lighted the fuck outta you today. You are not crazy, i snuck in your jacket and took back the keys that i had given back to you. .To avoid Revelation of a
Who are you
I guess it depends on you really. You cant have evil without the good. Just like you can't have dark without light. I'm just me. I don't try to be anything im not, everyday i try to be a better person than i was yesterday and somedays i break even. Backsliding is still progress as long as you learn from it and don't stay there. As long as i can look in the mirror everyday and be okay with who's looking back then that's all that matters, because others opinions of me are not my business, and they may judge me but not reciprocated because i have never walked in their shoes to make decisions and live the life they've lived. In the end it's my own judgement day. As long as i can reflect my life and forgive my own wrongs then i get that ticket into those gates. Forgetting what society the law , morals, and bible said whats right or wrong.. it's what i can be ok with. And that may be more or less than another soul. I maybe bad, but I'm so good at it. I may be good, but i maybe bad at it. Or i could be the good kinda bad. And the bad kinda good. It depends on whos looking in
Nothing like a little GTA crack thirty in the morning. The sun's barely lifted it's sleepy eyes over the hills, the early birds are stopping to grab a quick cop of Joe. And me? I just crawled through the back of a camp shell and busted out the back window, sliding through and opening the doors. For being a tweaker, this nigga has no tools. I feel like ive been swimming in the high school boys locker room dirty laundry during foot ball season. I knew i smelled ketchup, and I'm pretty sure it's still in my hair. Enough to make my throw up. God men are pigs who could live like this? I started munching on some crackers that weren't soggy and smelly like a wet ass unbathed dinosaurous dog but that made my stomach ache worse i started gaggjng. I was determined, and im pretty proud of myself for not a single flat head screw driver to be located in this landfill on 4 wheels. Come to save a doggy from a jail sentence she doesn't deserve, another case of guilty by association. A clear reminder that who we surround ourselves with portray an image back on us just beccause your not doing wrong, your still wrong by an outlooker. So i get there and puppy was hauled off in cuffs with her jaycat con owner.And i go inside to ask the owner if the truck would be ok for awhile. And he barks at me it better be off his property within the hour bcause the redneck hoopdie had been there all day. Why he wanted to knoa so bad. Of all places this nigga couldawent. The lake. Thebaseball feilds above town.... Idk he coulda taken a bckassroad and park where the horsetrailsare.butFicking idiot. Posted up at the main intersection of a small town w nothing but thug mouth and 911 fingers for population of 3553 including those who have four legs and feathers.To top it all off, this truck screams hey uhmm hello bullshit and badged im right here.tinted windows darker than a nigger on a 3am winter night... You cant even see if theres life in there even w a flashlight.Its end of rag maroon red, with a black camper shell and it looks like life took a nailfile to it. This fool had warrants how did not think that this would happen. Hes actually quite intelligent l will give him that and he has a mouthpiece and acting skills that put adamsandler to shame.apprently his warrantsweresignificant enough to extradite 4-5 counties north and it his poker face sob story didnt work out this time.What happens next?©thatbitchisme100
We're stuck in the past and days continue on, time doesnt stop for a soul that never belonged. Frozen in time on the darkest day spent, the day our soul betrayed and left us when it went. Things aren't as innocent as they once seemed, our hearts corrupted, demons fill our dreams, it all comes down to in the end we lay in that box alone, no one comes with us, we can take a piece of this world we call home. It doesnt even matter how hard we fought, the things we believe in or things we bought. all it is is this, say i love you and remember this is it. each day that sun will rise after your dust n say your goodbyes. everyone was born to live life but born to die, nothing more than that, just Staten facts think boyt it no no one makes it out alive. life isn't as fun as it seems, its not all it can be its what it decides to bring. We're not fully at fault for what we get served. sometimes good people get a hand dealt they don't deserve. all i know is what i know for now, i dont know i dont know it til i figure it out. one thing im sure of after my time ends, i dont wanna come back and live in this world again. all hell is gonna break lose at heavens gates when its my time to choose, the gates of hell are locked for all time, god better have answers for this life of mine.
lifes what you make it, and its a cold journey when youre alone. 4 walls and a mailbox dont make a happy home. when the bottoms finally hit you, thats when others true colors are meant to be shown. you give your love so freely for others to take more than you have to give. until you walk around broken and take for granite that chance to live. in the mirror theirs a reflection but thats not who you feel you are, youve become so distanced,taking the numbin g way to far. you jeeo trying to push forward hoping theirs a switch here somewhere, that hallways dark and scary, theres gotta be a door ferrying you oitta there. you know youre different than the others who don't understand the life youve had, somewhere someone else has it worse so it's not that bad some people don't get a beautiful life its not written in the stars, no matter how determined they are its outta their reach a bit to far. they don't show their demons fighting in their heads, they don't show how heavy that load is they just keep adding more sacrificing their hapoiness for others instead. the late night hours seem like eternitys clock has stopped, keeper of the time fell asleep or the time he could've forgot. in the shadows lurking the whispers are so loud, their trying to pull me in so I'm nowhere to be found. i look over my shoulder bc i swear somethings their, but wondering drown the street the world just laughs and stares. they cast judgement on something they kno nothing of, so when they get their judgement day theyll be ashamed of gow they was. somethings are not meant to bee answered all the questions ones soul must have, so when you think you've had ebiugh remember life isn't that bad.
i just needed someone to talk these are more than thoughts running in my head. ive been writing letters and coming to terms on a fast goodbye instead. some of youll get it as soon as im gone, notice all the signs that i was barely hanging on. some will say they never seen this come. they thought i was stronger now look what ive done. some will be at ease knowing i fought a hard cold war, some will say im the strongest person they know and how i kept them pushing when they were st this door. some will hang their heads and feel guilt in theur soul, knowing they did nothing but push me into this hole.some may mock and say tge worlds better off, celebrate this day and im right where i belong. all i know is what i dont know anymore, ive tried to hold on to something i never held before. im sorry ive hurt you, and that i left you all alone, i needed to rest be lay my head at home. this battle has been cruel, the times up over now, just know i loved you and its not your fault whst this is about. yoy never know when you have nothing left to give. ending this nightmare would be a deaths chance to live. wipe your tears and know im finally not in pain, just i loved you and don't think of my death as a way of shame.©its_lacey_bishh
I just love you
said there aint nuthing on this planet that compares to you, you aint nuttin like the things they say bout you, ill neva let noone talk bad on your name, i dont care what youve done i still love you the same. they dont know the truth about the you that you really are, as long as i breath ill never let nothing break your heart. theres nothing in this life i wouldn't get done, id rope you the moon, the stars and try to catch you the sun. id ride for you id die for you, id take a bullet, pull a trigga on my life no regrets on what i chose to do. if you gave me the green thats all i need, all i live for is for you to be happy. your sumthin special ma, your one of a kind, no one can take the love i was born to live for and find. i cant stop fucking with you, bc i know deep down what i feel is true. you make me feel alive when i thought i was dead, you made me change my thinking and priortize my head. nothing without you makes any kind of sense, all i can think about is your love when your gone and wonder where you went. it all seems pointless without you around, somehow i was lost but now i seem found. your that feeling of disneyland a free kinda high, im like dope sick junkie tryna survive. so wild and spirit young, helped me grow past the man i didnt know and i had become. your a firmilar feeling of home that ive had somewhere else, my soul knew you before we knew in another life dealt, never knew home would be two eyes and open arms, time skips like a rock until reality hits like an alarm. sometimes i think im crazy and you don't exist, untili look down at you sleepin on my chest. dont beleive in god so you cant be heaven sent, but whatever made you took the perfect time spent. if youre darkness magic and sent from below theres a few things i thought you should know ill walk through hell in the flames and fire, take the devils seat so its you i can admire. . two rights make a left so i know your the right kind a rong, my queen on our throne, w a crown is where you belong. fairest in the land and my happy ever after, your my favorite story told never ending to our chapters. once upona time we met in this beautiful place, along came you and it clicked when i seen your face. happy ever after is after the bullshit is served, ill take down any kingdom to make sure you get what you deserve. guardian angel a goddess, my savior, the amazing Grace, your mine and im yours until our next lifes days. So my love just remember one thing, ill never forsake you no matter what life brings.©its_lacey_bishh
Your screaming and yelling all these obscenities with your swearing. Pushing me closer to that edge, in looking down at the tryna keep myself on the ledge. You didn't raise me this way I've let you down, how could you raise me when you are never around. I have no respect and don't appreciate anything, I have no morals and your afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I learned by example I only know what you've taught, you can't blame me for you made me to be wrong. You've tried your best and don't know where you went wrong. But you didn't go anywhere you're right where you belong.©uoeno_i
"When its all over come find me..."We was hitting the back roads down the backside of the dam trying to make it to the country version of a trap.. At least there no one would think to look... They were following us, chasing us. I noticed them tailing right when he mentioned we had company. I didn't panic, I hit it and they sped up too, this time of the night no one should have reason to trail the same cuts as us. Rushing my veins my adrenaline was pumping. I haven't driven these windy ass roads since high school let alone at 65 rated for 25mph corners. Every cross we passed was a reminder of my friends from high school who's brains and blood tinted the asphalt. He says your doing great just be careful baby. Go go go!I cut out my lights and the road formed a s down the hill. At the bottom I floored it, who ever was in tail was still at the top. I almost blew the that intersection where those kids were killed doing the same thing I was guilty of but did a quick no cop no stop and the sound of the desil echoed up the canyon. We were 1 road away, I turned my lights Back on bcc traffic trying to pull out there driveways into the road way. . I cut that right, and we were right there. 1 turn 4 houses down at the end.. Why didn't they just light us up. Or really pursue. This isn't a mistaken case. Is evident that they are in suit not far behind. As soon as I hit the button and the knob pushed in calaveras county's bullshit and badged came flying around the corner missing us by merely 5 inches. My stomach sank. I swerved and gunned it and they blerped me. I look over at him and tightened my grip ready to give them a run for their money. He didn't have to say anything. He shook his head silently telling me no don't do it just pull over. And said. When its over come go find me.... . I love you. I talked shit the entire time. It was cold my hair wet from wearing nothing but booty shorts a half shirt no bra and having to kill the motor because I'm convicted of being eluding runner and they didn't want to take chances. Normally for 1 little white girl it guns Drawn echoing over the intercom for the driver to step out and keep hands where they can be seen. .. 3 units deep pulling carpets out and too late to catch me slippin bc my trucks empty of anything incriminating. I told that cop to slide in so we could roll the Windows an turn on the heater. I had them laughing... Or at least they were doing their best not too. Probably thinking dam this bitch is nuts, a bag full of cats quoted like what the pigs say about me... Reminsicing to last year when I had 12 units surrounding my house, highway patrol shutting down the highway k9s and a 45 minute negotiation to get me to surrender and come out my house. Its not as bad as it sounds, I had my clothes in washer in dryer and my wigs were soaking. I kept that cop on the Phone for45 minutes because if I had to talk to them or possibly... Lets be real here.... Ok. Possibly. No Defintely going to jail I wasn't going without my make up done and i wasn't about to come out naked. Plus I hid my best friend under that House so they wouldn't find her and take her on warrants. But that's another story. He gave them his adopted name. Their systems were fucking up. My warrants never showed neither did his and they let us go.. And my truck... Hasn't been reported stolen as of last night. But today's a different story.The cop said something about next time drive with my headlights on and keep my leg off the door and dashboard so we don't "have accidents anymore with lights turning off. And to avoid accidents because he almost creamed me. I couldn't help it. It just slipped." pay attention next time".And the look they gave me. The audacity of myself. I'm hilarious. Now im wanted in Stockton and my truck plates are sitting in a cops inbox. Me, with only 1 wig that's pastel yellow pink and blue.... A big loud desil that's red and white bc i did a runout.. And my trucks going to be reported stolen anytime.... So what happens next. ?We don't have much options and don't have much resources. We need to make a plan. 1. Do we run for state lines and head up north to Oregon2. Minesota3. Drive north until we find a town we like a d start over washing our hands clean of here.4. Stay and try to survive knowing we know the system and the system knows us. Time is of the essence. Life's like a monoply game, and times running out. make a move. I can't believe theyre holding my stuff. Or that they'd do this to me. I've worked so hard to make them happy or proud and put off my life on hold. Now that i want to make a life with Daniel and grow being successful people working and thriving while taking care of them and the property without the bullshit of Josh they can't deal. They love him over me. They've ruined my life. I need to walk away from all of this and leave here start over and get my kids back. Just drive until I find that place. And then build home from there. With no contact to Stockton or people here©uoeno_i
And that was it. That's what did it. It hurt. My heart feels like it ran across a cheese grater. I've been numb for quite some time. Almost dissociated myself from what would be killing me inside. . and that moment it pierced my heart i remembered how deep it ached in my soul. Unbearable. Too much to live and cope with. Reminding me not to take the happiness and moments for granted when they slide my way.. Even though few and far between. This rawness is Telling me that when you hurt so deep you shut down.bc you can't feel any pain or allow yourself too. You tend to make everything happy and peaceful the best you can.. Bc 1 sliver of hurt makes the effeil tower come tumbling down or Niagara falls opens like a floodway. Every ounce hits worse than the last and allowing 1 gives the opportunities to make it more than you can hold breaking the strength you fight to maintain. Unraveling you, and that's it your undone. Its done. You've broken. Somethings are invetiable. Nothings invincible. You... .....fall apart. But... But. As hard as i try. It got me. I haven't overflowed the spillway and im composed in appearance.Im crying on the inside. My tears are falling my eyes burning from the hot cheeks that run down my face. I can't catch my breath and im curled up covering my head letting it out.all of it. Every tear filled with anger and sadness frustration and ... Each sob releasing the combustion of energy I've let stew deep inside..dying to be heard. Felt and free. But on the outside. My lips quivering. The tears swell up and go like the desert heat on a summer day. My expression left blank. Lost. Almost that wild unexplainable scary look in my eye. Unpredictable.Almost exciting and frightening contradicting as it may seem.1 hotmess whos coldness melted.. Making her undersand why somethings aren't meant to defrost and be refrozen. Theyll never taste the same again. And that's the way i feel for you .©im_that_bitch_100