The other day, I was crying. The other day, I was weeping. The other day, I was contenting with my sorrows. The other day, I was loving my tears. But,
That same day and no other day, The snow crawled down the sky, The clouds weeped. That day the sky left it's load.
That day I realised that the snow amalgated with my tears which were turned into frost now. I realised that the sky left it's load, so did I. I realised that I was to wear but nor did I but was it the sky!? I realised that winter was finally here! In this winter, let sorrows be frosted and your mindset and soul fostered!
I write this post today pushing my load away! I ask you did you feel the same someday and why?
Getting good marks is a sense of contentment. My father bloats his chest. My mother bloats her cheeks smiling. My brother goes crazy(I don't know if in jealousy or happiness). My grandfather sees me as someone who will take him to the moon and back. My grandmother says, 'Are mera pota hai na'. What a sense of contentment to all of them. They all are happy. But am I the same? Do I feel mirthful and contented!? Nooo. I suppose three years of scholarships will be a great experience. But I do still remember the thralldom of me being in class 3rd and moving on to class 4th and then class 5th finally. What a chubby, gourmand, affection-seeking, teachers warm hug-seeking and alot speaking guy I was. I remember the way I started drawing through oval/circular faces and rectangular bodies. They were my masterpieces indeed. So happy, so contented and being my father's beloved, I moved on to the 4th grade. A whole new experience and ambience. In the starting, I was a very slow writer and I did get scolded for it. I was quiet and yes, to be a teacher-favourite I never compromised with discipline till then and that's why maybe I was quite and calm. Never had I got more than 95% till then. Getting sixth/fifth rank was so contentful and I always competed for it. I always thought that I could achieve everything from moon to the sun and from a restaurant to a resort. Never-ending were my dreams. Never had I thought that I would suceed to the top place. But then happened something drastic, something alohic, something and many things. There was Shamita ma'am, my 4th grade class-teacher, who scolded me at the very beginning of the session and I scared from here and became disciplined(if it were terror or discipline:I don't know). But this quietness opened the doors to happiness to me. She made me the second chance monitor saying that she had never seen such calmness, quietness and discipline and from that day, she became my favourite teacher. Then recognitions and accolades came thick and fast and no sooner had I been the best monitor and got my class the best-disciplined class of the year than I got my very first third rank and 95%. I was more than happy. Oh yes, the drastic thing even included my very first exposure to coaching outside the thresholds of myhouse. I will never forget Sushmita ma'am #nickki didi although having left the coaching for almost three years now. She was the reason why I managed to get my very first trophy for the third rank. Although it's a teeny-tiny one and probably the smallest amongst all of them but that holds the very first position among all. Then came class five and my journey started. My moto was accolades now. I started the journey to the moon but maybe the fuel was a little less and so it slowed down in class 6th half-yearlys but the first time you comit error then it's a mistake, the second time it's a deed. I geared up and figured out my callousness. Then in class 7th, I got first position in half-yearly and that's the year I got scholarship. But don't know what's wrong with my life's car. It hit then the bumper of depression. I will be thankful to my father and my family for riding my life's car as the driver in my hardcore time and refixing it. I thank them all. Then, now I lay lyimg on my bed with so called good marks and a sense of happiness. But something feels empty. I don't know. I suppose some greater purpose is left. I'll sort it out. If you know it then comment down(my pleasure). I did not live up to my expectations but to others maybe including my family and maybe that's what makes me happy but not contented. The quest is still left. My very heart-7felt wish for 99%. But god is the way and the ray. Not this bit only but to explore more than my holm is my greater wish. But still something doesn't fully arranges the pieces of my life puzzles and that's what I want you to guess and suggest. It would ao pleasurable.
Thank you for reading one of my life's thralldoms.
Where the mind is with fear and the head is sighed down Where knowledge is captivated Where the world has been broken up into fragments By broad domestic walls Where words come out from the depth of falsehood Where half-hearted succumb stretches it's arms towards imperfection Where even the blurry stream of reason has lost its way Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit When the mind is led backward by thee Into ever restricting thoughts and actions From that hell of imprisonment Father Let my country awake. -guts(rutvi)
My version of Where the Mind is Without Fear By Rabindranath Tagore
*** "What's one superpower you wish you had?" The psychiatrist asked us.
One said, "Invisibility!"
"I want to sneak in people's life, know their secrets, and destroy them."
"That's evil," the psychiatrist said.
"Well, our whole life has been evil to us."
Everyone nodded in agreement except for me. He turned to me and asked, "What about you, Jess?"
"I would like to go back in time."
"Why, may I ask?"
"Obviously, so that she can change the damages done to her or she has done," someone said.
"No," I replied.
Everyone's eyes on me.
"Then why?" he asked.
"I don't want to change the damages. But, I want to trace back my footsteps to a time where everything in life was at an initial point. You see, the damages were nice for my personality development. But, I just didn't look at the positive aspects. I won't undo the damages. But, I would probably live a little bit more during those damages being done. "Somewhere amidst making choices according to what people said and not what my heart did, I have this heavy weight of guilt my soul carries, of not saying certain things to some important people in my life. "I wish I would tell my best friend that I have been so grateful to her for always being there, steady as a rock. When I was on the verge of committing suicide, she held back my daunting thoughts by reassuring me that she would always be there, and that she loved me. I wish I would have done the same when she was on the same path. Only if I knew. I wish I knew. "I wish I would go tell the man of my dreams that I loved him ever since I first laid eyes on him. Maybe, something would have changed. But people kept telling me that I am not pretty and that is why, I let him go. He didn't deserve me. I wish I would go back in time and just confess so that my heart, now, would not be as heavy as it is right now. "I wish the damages were done but during those damages, I would enjoy life, look at how I can get up rather than seeing that I am on the ground. Above all, I wish I would live in my life, and not just exist. I wish. And I wish that these wishes come true. But alas, no scope for irrational thoughts like these in this rational world."
My voice started becoming weak, my eyes started watering up. But I held back. I went back home. And the next day, I woke up to see something that had changed my life completely.
I looked at the newspaper, and I saw the date. 23rd October 2012. I was seven years younger. Everything had come to its initial point.
Life had finally given me one more chance. To confess to him, and enjoy the damages. It's time I start living, rather than existing. *** - Aradhya
I dunno if I should change this into a series or not. My heart is telling me not to because I want to leave it for the reader to decide whether it would leave it to her doom or to a life where she would not have any regrets. But do tell what you guys think.