the words I don’t say

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  • emily16 4w

    From 2019 to now

    24th December 2020
    I find a picture of you from last year, and you’re still by my side.
    You’re older now though, in every way- we know even just a little bit more about life, about one another.
    You look less boyish than in the picture, stubble on your chin, taller with a stronger build.

    This time last year you were giving me a charm for my bracelet. It says ‘I love you’ and it still hangs from my wrist.
    A love to take me from a girl to a woman- or a person- who knows, a bit more, what she’s doing.

    A year has grown us. It has beaten us down, made us cry and weathered us. Who would have thought 2020 would try to keep us apart? Who would have known though, that it was never going to break us, but make us stronger?

    This time next year, I wonder where we’ll be. If this year was the weather, it would have been a hurricane. We stood in the centre of it together.
    We can do anything.


  • emily16 10w

    Missing you

    I just think of you- and I’m home.
    There’s a you-sized gap in my bed and I’ve felt your absence for too long.
    Missing you is like missing a part of myself.
    But I can’t fill that space with anything or anyone. It’s waiting for you and only you and I’ll just think of you, until then.


  • emily16 18w

    missing someone I love

    Falling in love with you was both the best and worst thing I’ve ever done.
    It was the best because our love is beautiful, it blooms every day whether I’m in your arms or not. I watch it grow through the seasons, just like I watch the green leaves start to wilt and fall in Autumn. We change with the tides and every sunset. It’s the best because we’ve grown together for nearly two years. We were just kids and now here we are. Look how far you’ve come. How far I’ve come.

    Falling in love with you is the worst because it breaks me. Never before have I been so ready to love someone. It breaks me when I know I can’t be in your arms anytime soon. It makes me cry on a random Tuesday evening because you’re far away and I miss my best person by my side.
    It’s strange watching Summer fall into Autumn with you not here. The evenings are already darker and I just miss being able to love you in person. I can’t wait to be in your arms again, when it’s cold outside and the seasons have changed, once more.


  • emily16 21w


    I don’t think I can say a half-goodbye.
    I’m not sure I want to leave the door half open for us to walk in and out of every few months when we have the time.
    I think that I might need to be strong by myself and I can’t do that with a door left half-open.
    I can’t wait and wait for you to appear in the doorway and focus on myself at the same time. But I don’t want to decide to not have you in my life anymore.
    I can’t have someone think it’s ok to keep that door ajar, when I’m inside it, hurting this much already.


  • emily16 28w

    The next love

    I can see it now. The next love buys you flowers on a Tuesday after work and takes you to watch the sunset at the park. He asks you on dates again and again and he reminds you that he is just as in love with you as ever.
    The next love picks out dresses to buy you for evening dinners and picnics in Summer, and he makes you forget your name and the last love’s name simultaneously. He is mature and classy but playful and your best friend. Nothing else will be important, when the next love comes- I can see it now.


  • emily16 29w


    How do you know when your heart is breaking?
    He’s my best friend and he can’t even look at me in the eye, jealousy is a green monster but anger is something else completely.
    My heart feels like it’s breaking. My whole body is throbbing and squirming with physical pain and it’s like he doesn’t see.
    I wonder if others notice I’ve been crying.
    Is my heart really breaking when I’m still in love with him?
    I’m in love with the very breath he inhales, his floppy hair and arms that even from a distance I know only hold me.
    And it’s because of this, that I break.


  • emily16 39w


    Tell me why I keep on letting the same boy break my heart over and over again.
    Tell me why I keep tissues by my bed at night, because that’s how often I cry myself to sleep. Warm face and pain in my head, asking me if he’s really worth all my tears. Is he?
    Tell me why he’s all I can think about.
    How I tell myself I’ll be strong and then crumble in his hands. Tell me how I could let myself do that.
    Watch him push me away because I’m the only one that’s close and then reach out with both arms to grab me, pull me closer.
    Tell me why that’s ok.
    Is this how I know it’s real love? The way my heart spins precariously like a carousel? Because I come back for more once I’m left broken again.


  • emily16 39w

    I have to stop loving you because I’m running out of poetry.


  • emily16 41w

    Short fuse

    Shout at me, curse and scream- tell me everything I’ve done wrong. Lose your nerve.
    It feels as if my I am being strangled by your words. They flow over me uncontrollably.
    Come back and apologise. Say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness, because it will make you feel better about your actions. It will bring you content to be forgiven about the words which ran over me and made me feel so small.
    Apologising is just another way of showing regret, but you cannot take back your fuse exploding, can you?


  • emily16 42w

    He called at 10:30 and went straight back to sleep

    It’s been fifteen days since I last saw him and we hadn’t spoken all day. What was there to say? There is nothing too much we can do love, apart from distract ourselves with sun, peace and poetry. It’s half ten and I return your missed call.
    You picked up and fell back asleep again. But I stay on the phone and listen to your heavy breathing, strangely comforted by this alone.
    Recently, I seem to be breaking my own heart, missing you- over and over again. It’s a habit I must break, knowing you’ll be waiting with open arms when this is over.
    I’ll be there when you’re sleeping, when you’re angry, sad or confused. I’ll be there when you don’t want to talk, when you feel the world is against you, when you want to scream until your lungs dry up.
    And I’ll be there in the morning, on the eighth hour of our call.