The cowardly woman.
Lately, I came to the realisation that beauty is both a responsibility and a curse. Men are approaching me more than I've experienced before. I have always thought myself as pretty, but I was never the pretty to turn heads and have many suitors at once. I have spent most of my adult life from one long term relationship to the next and the single-ready-to-mingle courtship game rules, terms and conditions have escaped from my comprehension.
Naturally, it took a certain number of mishap to figure out that men are drawn to beauty, and those ones, have for sole purpose having a bite or two and throw away the rest. These unfortunate encounter opened my eyes about a special man. A man I had never deserved and that the Universes had to save from the chaos that I constantly create.
His name is Gael.
Gael is probably the one man who at first sight, loved me for the soul within the body. Actually, not at first sight, when he first started courting me, we had never met. He courted me for weeks over the phone.
We were introduced by a common friends. He was sixteen and I fourteen. For the next fourteen years, we would be in and out of each other’s lives.
Until the ultimate time I broke his heart.
Insult was added to the injury, when I failed to confess the real reason I was ending us: I was excepting a child with another man, breaking up with the man I was to marry via email.
How indelicate of me! How ungrateful!
It took four years to realise how badly I have treated the only honest man who dared loving the madness and darkness inside and around me.
It's only fair that every man I've met sees me as a flower that can be plucked then left to die. What a Karma...
Gael is a decent human being and like most decent people, blessings follow him. He found his blessing in his wife. One might think I would be jealous or angry, but not only I would have no right to be so but how could I not rejoice when the one I have called my best friend finally found his happy ending?!
I was hurt however; I won’t deny it. I was hurt that it ended so badly, that I could not pick up the phone and congratulate him. I was hurt and ashamed, yet I am such a coward, that again, I couldn’t gather the strength to tell him how happy I was for him, that I always believed in him and that knew he would have the beautiful life he deserves.
Today, remembering how intimate we were, remembering the love and the respect he had for me, I should have never treated him this way. I am not talking about the cheating, I am a human and assume that choice entirely.
If I could turn back time, I would extend to him the respect he deserved.
I had managed to be honest and by told him I was seeing another man. This was the woman he knew and loved, the one who could look at him in the eyes and be honest with him, even if it was to break his heart all over again. But I was a coward. A miserable coward. I could not look into these eyes I used to enjoy diving into, I couldn’t look into those eyes through a computer screen, these doe eyes that loved me at my worst and tell him not only I was still being unfaithful but I was carrying the fruit of my infidelity; fruit that we wished would me ours some day. So, I did what cowards do. I hid behind the shadow of my screen and typed letters, sending him an email that was brief, cold and unapologetic. And that was that, he never replied nor called. Who could blame him? I had done so to him one too many times. I carried on with my life and so did he. A few months later, dialling his number by mistake, led to the ultimate time, we spoke to each other, or rather texted each other. He was polite and yet distant, who could blame him? He said to have forgiven me - to be understood as "I've made my peace with who you are and having wasted so many years with chasing after you" - and that there was no purpose for him to tell me what he thought or felt since he was never afforded the opportunity to speak his mind, why would he do so now? He was absolutely right.
I should have faced the music. I should have heard all the hurtful things he would have said, I should have heard the pain and the shame in his voice, I should have allowed him at least that. Selfishly, childishly and cowardly, thinking that I was doing us both a favour by avoiding confrontation, I lost the best person I have ever known. And in that single action, I lost his respect, along with that of every person who has known me.
I regret that it ended so awefully that now we are complete strangers.
I never had the occasion to congratulate him for his blessed union, I don’t have the option to send him a text, by fear it might be given the wrong interpretation; after all, who knows what his family, friend and wife think of me now? Who could blame them from wanting to protect someone like him from a person like me?
I just wished he knew, how deeply I regret not treating him with the same respect he had extended to me, the respect he was entitled to as the man who had shared the most intimate part of his life and soul with me.
But since I have no power to turn back the clock, I must live with my shame and regret and hope that one day, our paths will permit that he hears or reads these words.
I wish he knew that now I understand, how deeply sorry I am, how I wish and pray for the very best for his wife and their family and that he will always remain in my memory, a person worth keeping in my prayers.