The last drops of tear
It's now been a year since you bid your adieus and left me a void I could never fill. I remember the last talk we had, where I was holding your soft but icy hand and you were encouraging me not to lose hope. You told me jokingly that I had but just a few drops of tears left in me and to save those for after many years when we both are old and frail. I have still held on to them and I swear each time my eyes well up, I push them further inside my withering heart and let it mix with my blood and run down through my spine.
Before you had left me broken and shaken you had run your fingers through my hair and told me how you'd miss messing it all up and watching me get annoyed at this habit of yours. I cannot find the courage in me to have my hair trimmed now, even if the strands constantly poke me in the eye and even if at night my hair just covers my eyes stopping them from glimpsing at the moonlight outside, thinking to myself about the nights we spent gazing at the dark black sky. I think even my hair misses you and has been cautiously trying to save those last drops of tear, preventing me from dust and taking the full force of the rain and snow.
Even if it's been more than 365 days since I have heard that cackle in your laughter that would throw me off guard and make me cringe. I would gladly give up my own life just to hear an echo of that laughter in the air, one last time. I know that once in a fit of anger and because you were frustrated you told me that you hated the sound of your laughter and how it reminded you of painful howling. I had wrapped my arms around you consoling you and I had said that i'd take that sweet torture for the rest of my life because I love you so much. I hope you know how much I meant it but I guess you did not. You just stood there in my embrace and called it a night. You should have really heard me place emphasis on "rest of my life" because that's how long I had imagined us to long.
Life sometime has a sick sense of humour. I remember pulling up a prank upon you about how I have little time to live and I saw pearls of emotions lining up inside your eyes because you thought I was a buffoon to joke around death. Right now when I write this whatever, I feel those pearls mounting up inside my eyelids and I just want to tell you that you were right. I was stupid and I kept my tomfoolery going, and little did I know that fate would pull up a mirror right in my face. I wish it wasn't a mirror but a reflection, I wish it was me and not you. Because I bear this pain in silence like I always have and like I always will and you knew that.
You were there to coax the emotions right out of me like yanking carrots out of a kitchen garden. I remember feeling so light and so relaxed because you would be there as my personal whoopee cushion to bury my face in and let my emotions go wild and rampant. Now, here I am holding all of it back, all the feelings penting up inside me and I can't explode because I don't want to obliterate those last droplets of tears inside of me that I have promised you i'd hold on to. But it's hard. It's so damn hard.
I have been writing this for the past three hours and I don't know if I have gotten anywhere at all with it. I will probably end up erasing all of it but would that help? Would I be able to clean the slate I have inside of me. A slate that you and I had decorated together and made a tacit promise of never wiping it clean. We decided to put all our memories there like that damn scrap book that I gifted you on your birthday, which had all our conversations since the day we met neatly scribbled onto pieces of paper meticulously stuck in a classic messaging format. I remember the look on your face when you started reading through those texts. You just did not want it to cease at all.
Now what do I have left to show from it? Perhaps one day, when I am old and recollecting upon my life, I will mentally go through our conversations like in that scrapbook because I have them seared in my brain like etchings on a moon ruin that shines under special moonlight. It is only then that with the last breath escaping out of my lungs, I will let those last drops of tear fall out of my eyes and onto my cheeks hoping that when my soul moves on, I see you sitting there wiping that droplet from my cheek and smiling at me like you did when we saw each other after a few days.
I hope the first thing you do when we see each other is laugh at me with your signature cackle and tell me that I was a buffoon to have pulled that prank on you. Now, I will leave it at this hoping that as the years go by I live up to the promise and that this pain and vacuum that I feel right now gets a little sweeter. But, you and I know that while wounds heal, scars never really go away. You have left a scar on my heart that even the worms in the ground can't scratch away after I have been put to rest. So, so long my dear friend and I pray that your soul rests at ease. I will love you forever.
Your crazy stupid friend,