Recognition of the Process...
I recall having grown up, yearning to be fulfilled with this insurmountable love.
Curious as to where it’d stem from, I searched relentlessly.
As above, so below; I recited tirelessly.
False hope from certain outlets leaving me numb.
I began to succumb to the belief that I wasn’t one to deserve it.
My father hadn’t shown, nor given me any form of love, therefore why should anyone else?
A lingering question, festering amongst my internal shelves.
The very fibre of my existence grew cold... envious for said form of love.
Each of the friends around me, having grown together, passed a boundary I hadn’t experienced.
Of course, my mother relayed unconditional love to me; she’s my mom, she’s forced to inevitably.
Or so I had thought.
I hadn’t the ability to grasp and empathize at this age: to realize the genuinity of the love my mother had given me.
My thoughts, emotions, and essentially my entire being, was heavily wrapped up in obtaining this “love”.
Beginning to grow faulty.
Friends resembling foes, I felt thoroughly alone.
Thusly resulting in the damndest.
Regarding and desperately searching for this “love” in boys, at way too young of an age.
Mustering energy to engage myself to place attempts to fill a void, left behind by Troy.
Piece by piece, I began to crumble.
The further I chased, the deeper unto the dark I was lead.
Becoming enveloped with insecurities, demons, fears; all swallowing my soul.
Each false preposition of care and love, deriving from a physical desire.
Fear continuing to transpire, I questioned the potentiality of whomever had the audacity to conspire these events.
These kids were far too young to grasp what I was severely needing.
As was I.
I grew exceedingly confused; my turmoil immense.
Coming to a point of sending nudes.
Where a year later, I was raped by the same dude.
He manipulated my fragile being.
He diminished any fragment of light which remained for what I was searching for.
Used me, as though I was an object fit for the making.
Yet, you remained.
A past lover who truly understood the love, which I had searched for.
You caressed the carcass of my being... you helped me heal a bit.
All having occurred when we were at the age to begin to fathom what was going on.
I split this off.
I was destined to fall once more.
He was devilishly awaiting, ready at the foot of my rickety door.
An occurrence which beat me down the most; while falsely building me up.
A sociopath at its finest.
Scaling my psyche with an axe, hacking away, inch by inch.
Cycling through commotion, drug induced, psychological erosion.
The aforementioned light within my being knew I had to leave.
To the unknown.
He was destroying me, prior to me even having a chance at success.
I dove unto my family and friends, in distress; all I had left.
He fought to stay.
His tightly bound control commenced to wither, as did he.
A fiasco of where to go.
I avenged myself.
Terrified, nimble and numb.
Grasping my best friend's thumb, being lead to comfort, to refurbish.
So I did.
Weed became a companion, yet being cut after my dependence days, I felt revitalized.
I sought after my truest forms of psychological damage.
Introspected and released all.
Beginning to tumble and fall.
I was blessed with the profundity of strength.
Understanding to head forth with courage; standing once again.
Through examining my damage, inflicted by others, I realized that the love I was chasing, was awaiting to be enlightened within.
Therefore my journey of becoming myself begins.
Meditative experiences, divine occurrences.
I began to ascend.
My best friends having been there through the brunt of it all, became my kin.
I made sisters throughout the country.
My love for me, made me capable of loving life and others.
Conclusively, yet not finality.
You arose unto the equation.
A divine knight in shining armour.
We encountered one another beyond the physical.
You showed me how it is to love me, you, us.
Thank you for you.
Shall this flame never wither.