An open letter to an abuser
Dear Ass Hole, Liar, Thief, Abuser,
To The Dick that destroyed the woman I once was,
How do you feel about yourself? Are you proud? Happy? Do you feel any guilt whatsoever? What goes through your mind, as you lie awake at 2am, unable to sleep? Is it remorse for destroying a happy girl? Or is it about your next lay, or maybe your next high? Do you even give a damn about the damage you leave behind, or are you too caught up in your own pain and you’re blind?
I used to be so much more carefree, confident, Smiley. Yeah sure I still had some struggles. After all, I’m only human. I had a history of trauma but it was so far behind me. I had healed and learned to cope. I was okay to be alone, I was thriving. I didn’t feel broken. I wasn’t lost.
I didn’t know what it felt like to have mind games be played on me. I never had someone destroy my sense of reality. Up was up, and down was down. East and west made sense to me, north and south was where they were supposed to be. I had a sense of direction you see? But like a lot of other things you stole that from me.
Stealing, thief; two words out of a thousand I feel that fit you perfectly. Stealing the life force out of a young girl. A thief of happiness and dreams. Stolen peace, and sanity. No, you didn't just steal materialistic things. The most important items stolen were those of the mind. The material I need in order to survive.
Destruction of the mind. What a hell I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. The anxiety that was left behind, far worse than when you were mine. Destroying any hope I have of the love I find. Crying in a man's arms of the damage that you left behind.
If you think this letter was written because I miss you, you are sorely mistaken. This letter was written to tell you that I hate you. Hatred towards you for the hatred I have towards myself. Hatred of all of my aches and pains. Hatred of my confusion and loss of security. Hatred of the exhaustion that has overtaken me. I’m tired.
I’m tired of my lack of trust in the world around me, or the man I wish so desperately to stay and stand next to me. I don't trust the ones I love not to destroy my life in the very same sense that you tried to take mine.
The fear I felt that night, a type of fear that I never thought I’d fathom. The feeling of the oxygen leaving my lungs like deflating balloons staring at eyes as glazed as the moon is bright. The pain in my face seething so red and tight. Trapped in a single room house with nowhere to hide. You tortured me day and night
The battle I faced when you spent all that time committing the crimes yet I was the one justice seeked to find.
A year of fighting, and another year just trying to survive the aftermath. The vicious cycle of feeling like I’ve healed and the next revisiting the fight. A year of praying to God you don't kill me, and a year praying that I don't have another nightmare tonight.
You, The reason I feel scared at night, faced alone with new battles to fight. You, a memory so distant, yet so profound. The person I blamed when I lost my Sweet that night. Because the battles I have to fight are far more than anyone can right.
One day, you won't haunt me at night. And I can finally have something right in my life. One day you’ll be forgotten and I can love soundly and bright. And I’ll trust him and I won’t be the one alone at night.
With hatred and nothing kind,
The girl that's left to fight.