I'm barely holding it together as it is,
can't you see it?
You met me, I told you I was psychotic, so don't ask me where I got your location.
I'd dig deep and burrow myself in your brain, so you think of me late at night when you lie awake.
Either that or you have me cornered in my own mind, hand around my throat, saying "mine."
All my thoughts of you, every day it's like they are brand new, smile when I'd wake up with a text from you.
You're covering my eyes with a million different lies, can't you see it?
They're seeping out of me, soaking the floor and driving me crazy, you never should've promised me. It took me a while to realize it, the pain that I really truly was in.
It hurts to look at yourself fall apart, it hurts even more to not realize you've lost yourself.
I spent my days, in a blurry haze, searching for someone who would meet my gaze.
It was always me obsessing, or them clinging, never a real connection.
I was always bored, they were always such a chore.
I hate the attention but get validation from the fact that someone out there might need me, long for me. It drove me to the brink of insanity.
I hold myself true, I accidentally got lost in you, in just about every little thing you do.
But I've never ever ever cared about anything, truly. Not enough, it's kind of sad, actually.
Round and around, I spin around my room, looking for the answers to questions about myself, because I'm the one that really needs the help.
I either don't care or I'm obsessed, so much so that it makes me stressed.
So stressed I forget to eat, I don't know how to sleep, and I forget what it means to be neat, I become a freak.
The point of it is, I don't know how.
How to not care about someone else, more than myself.
Which isn't that hard if you couldn't tell, my lack of self love isn't hidden, welcome to my show and tell.
I think it's why when I do love, I love so fucking hard, because I don't have any for myself.
I take all of me, risk it all if you let me, and I will be yours to keep.
It is not true what they like to say,
"You have to love yourself first."
No, it's not true at all, because I loved you with enough to suffocate you, with enough to last a few lifetimes, and with enough to forgive you for anything you could ever do, just about everything.
I still do.
That just doesn't go away, but you lie to me, say you feel the same, because I make you feel okay, so you want me to stay.
I loved you, love you, loved, love, past tense just doesn't seem fair, because it hasn't gone anywhere. Without an ounce of care for me, I was devoted to making you happy for as long as you'd have me, praying every day you don't get bored of me.
But that's not okay, it's really not okay.
I need to think of me for a second, because I'm in Hell and I'm holding you up to Heaven.
My heart breaks every day I don't see your face, and it shatters every time I have to watch you walk away. I can't stop you, but you come around and suddenly I just can't move.
So I have to go now, before I ruin myself waiting for you to make a good decision.
I have to go now, because maybe then you'll realize for you I would've held it down for life.
I have to go now, because I love you and it scares me that you'll probably never really mean it when you say you love me too.
I have to go.