I look back on the past two months since my hopes and future dreams imploded.
I look back and see myself but also someone who is not me.
I see this piece of me, this corner of my heart that was ripped out cruelly and discarded.
I watch it wiggle, writhe, rise, and slowly take its own form.
This impersonation clings to me like a shadow.
Shoving its pain into the fresh wound of my heart at every opportunity.
I battle it, wanting to breath, wanting to move on, desperately needing to heal.
But it’s grip is relentless.
It keeps me awake in the long hours of the night, blaming me for its pain.
For not being good enough.
For being so easily discarded.
Why won’t I listen to its blood thirsty need for revenge.
Why do I always have to be nice, even to those who use and abuse me.
I listen to its wails, unable to silence their truth.
Who better to criticize me then my own shadow.
Who could better understand my pain than the bit of flesh torn from my very heart.
I feed it my resentment and bitterness and watch it grow. Then I shove it into the nearest dark corner because I am ashamed of it.
I understand it’s anger, it’s loneliness and fear, but I know I cannot accept it.
There is a time for anger and a time to heal.
I know my heart, confidence, and trust have been broken...yet again. But this is not the answer.
So I starve it bit by bit. Feeding it positive thoughts. Burying it beneath the mountain of change I welcome into my life. Suffocating it with cold hard logic
Because it’s time to say goodbye. In order to move on, be at peace and heal I have to let go.
It thrashes at me harder still. Unwilling to accept the end I have chosen.
I wait, arms wrapped around all the fear, doubt, and uncertainty until the flesh that was once a piece of my heart grows cold. Until the pain has become numb, and the love I once needed as much as the air I breath has turned to stone.
A stone that I will pick up with trembling hands. A stone I must kiss because it was not wrong to love as I once did. Because I know that how others treat me is not a reflection of who I am but rather who they are.
I will wait a while until the moment is right. I will wait until the moon and stars can bare witness; and beneath their sorrow I will add one more stone to the bottomless sea.
But that moment is not now.
Though the stars are bright and the waves beckon. My impersonator and I sit side by side.
Because no one else will understand my tears better than the girl who once was me.