If I Were Born a Male (Etc.)
If I were born a man, there are two types of men I could see myself become. One is sadistic and evil (Solely), one is (was) a Dominant gentleman and a cynic (Emerson).
If I were more leaning towards the sadistic bisexual male side, I could see myself being an adult living in an apartment who frequently engages in sex, and forms cults and group orgies in the basement, next to the stolen infants' room (raising them strictly for child pornagraphy, which we sell on black market. (Optional; disfigurement of the child's face before relase so not to be paired with the photographs).
Or if I was the cold, nihilistic gentleman I wished I could have been at times, I probably would have devoted myself entirely to the wrong studies, wasting countless hours crumbling love letters I never send, drinking vodka and wondering what the point is to anything.
But no. I was born a girl.
And because of that, and the surroundings influences I chose and didnt choose growing up, I decided I was smart enough as a girl to take risks. I wasn't going to end my adventures with "but she decided not to, and went to work the next day, swerving her car in and out of traffic whenever she felt like stopping her own heart."
No. Instead, my next life chapters became: "So she said yes and drove down to Texas by late December, and there learned the terrible and beautiful truths about reality and herself, returning home stronger than ever, despite the new cracks."
I have taken more risks, but ones which I am fully capable and responsible for the outcomes. I know what I am doing and I am smarter than ever. And my patience and devotion and endurance pays off again and again by the abs on my chest and the growth of my fingernails; I see proof of improvement in the look of my lover's eyes, with every drawing I show him, every kneel that I take.
I am glad I was born the way I am. Because he sees me. He knows every inch of me, and loves me for it. I have a dress in my closet because of him; I actually feel beautiful wearing it.
Never in my life have I ever had someone make me actually feel warmth from a compliment; he is sincere, beautiful, and I love him so very much for coming into my life.
Now if by chance, for I know the risks, my lover and I don't make it, and we depart from one another's lives, I am prepared for that. I will not die.
I will take all he has taught me, and all he has said, and will carry them with me. And I will teach his knowledge to our children; or if years go by and I instead have children with another man, I will teach them the legends of my dearly beloved Daddee, and how he fell in love with a crazy Little Girl.