( Borderline Personality Disorder)
I hate you, I love you God please don't leave me.
She's crazy, she's angry so beware!. So many stigmas are so much shame. But no one gets what's going on in my mentally ill brain. One minute I happy then I sad and yes I can get mad. But what you don't see or seem to understand is just like you I don't really understand. I can't seem to grasp these changes in my mood and it confuses me and scares me just like you. I get everyone feels these emotions but what you don't seem to grasp is they are so much stronger in me. When I'm happy it's like im on top of the world, I smile, I joke I'm just me. But when my mood switch im completely different. I can be angry were I yell and shout or I can be quiet and just say I don't want to talk. Then when the sadness kicks in I isolate in my room for days where I cry silently and not say a damned thing. I don't want to eat because I don't want to and feel undeserving, oh but I guess that would be the self hate part of me. Now this part of my illness many of us hide because of the shame you see this is the part where we self-harm, we cut, we burn or make reckless decisions these are to just name a few. Why? Why do we do these things to ourselves and the truth is it's because we feel we deserve it, with all the guilt, anger and pain we seem to shut off when things get really rough. That's where the numbness comes in and we seem to feel nothing at all, our emotions shut off and we are like a wave in the ocean or maybe a zombie im not sure but all I know is that's when you want to feel something physical and that where self-harm comes in.
What a horrible illness you say now you're starting to understand. So why not do something about it?
Believe me, we try, be it medication, therapy or hospitalization we all three. It takes so much more yoy see we need you to try and understand us to see us as we are. We aren't the monster we are trying to find our way. We fear abandonment and that's why we can lash out. We try not to but fear takes over and we go into fight or flight and it's not easy.
Now add some anxiety and depression in with the mix and what do you have?
a living hell is what you get.