Mirakee
Love (notes on my experience)
Some reasons why I love you and will always love you ❤️
The way you caught the snake in our backyard, bravely, with no hesitation to protect our little dogs and me. And most importantly, the kind way you drove to a vacant field to release it unharmed. Similarly, the way you trapped the mommy, daddy, and baby rat and drove into the wilderness and released them unharmed, and with some food to start their new lives together.
The way you look at our first born doggy as if she owns you (which she does). The way you spend money we don't have on a tiny tiny parrot so she will have all the toys, houses and foods and vitamins and vet care she needs. How you lay there patient ly letting her pull and tug your beard hairs as she preens you with adoration.
The way you help me when my body fails. Bring me ice packs or rub my head, back and neck in absolutely all the right places without me saying where.
How you let me stay home while you work to support us. This is huge and so selfless of you. The way you stayed with my Abuelita, in her kitchen that year the family was screaming and scaring her. How you held her hand and comforted her and then on top of that, you stood up for me and got me out of harm's way. No one had ever stood up for me before. I will never forget those loving gestures.
The way you drove me to all my doctor's appointments after I could no longer do it myself.
How you told me everything was going to be ok, and it was.
How you used to hold me through the night until your arm fell asleep and still you kept on holding me. How you hugged me and let me cry into your chest after my night terrors took my mind and wouldn't let go of it.
How you accepted my brokenness, even though you had no understanding of the how's or why's.
How you called me a rockstar each time I clumsily plunked out a 3 chord song on an out of tune guitar. How you then would faithfully tune my guitar because I refused, stubbornly, to learn. Maybe because I wanted that connection with you.
How you dance with my son, the rescue pigeon, to the radio and coo at him so he has joy in his day. Or how you tenderly, and carefully trim his beak when it overgrows. Talking to him so he isn't scared. Or how you worked so hard to build him his two giant houses so he could still fly without the hawk taking him.
How you used to run your warm fingers up and down my back to comfort and love me.
How you never ever leave without saying you love me. How I never need to worry that you might abandon me. How you tell my insecure mind that you aren't going anywhere, you are here to stay.
How you used to throw the ball for the puppy in the yard and watch her race to me and then back and forth. How you cared and loved my soulmate dog when we first started dating. How you still love him even though he is long passed. I never thought anyone else could love him as much as I did, but you did. How you lifted him up when he couldn't jump, snuggled him inside your sweatshirt when it was too cold in our rented room with no heat. How you woke early to lift him out the window so he could have his morning pee.
The way you love the animals I love has made me love you more and more each day.
The way you forgive me for getting angry sometimes. You forgive so easily. The way you have never screamed at me. You've never raised a hand to me, never once called me a cruel name or even cussed at me.
You take care of me when I can't care for myself and encourage my creative ideas.
You keep me surrounded with my animals because you know that is my happiness in this world.
You listen to me ramble about the jumping spiders I love and look at photos I take and compliment me. Even though I'm aware they all must look the same to you.
You are kind, gentle and loving.
You are so strong, smart and handsome. You are a puzzle solver, thinking outside the parameters set by others.
You are a creator.
You are a lovely person. I wish we had more time to have adventures in nature. A hike a sunset or stars.
You bought me a motorhome, my absolute dream. You worked so hard trying to fix it up. It's my bucket list. Without you I never would have been able to get it.
Thank you, for being yourself. Thank you for sharing parts of you with me.
I love and appreciate you sharing this life with me for these past 11 years. I could not have survived without your tender care. Thank you, with all the gratitude I have. I love you.
For M.K.C.
My partner in this world.
©mmbftd
#mmbftd
61 posts-
mmbftd
7w
Read MoreClearly not a poem or even story. I just wanted to express my love for my partner in life and decided to just post it. It's just my experience.
#love#gratitude#animals#chronicillness#pain#partnership#care#tenderness#gentle#kind#smart#adore#handsome#family#caretaker#comfort#sweet#stable#thankful#mmbftd#marriage#dogs#birds#happiness#goodman#protector#professor#teamwork#rideordie#thoughtsonlife#awomanslove#woman#age#time#bestfriend#confidant#listener -
mmbftd
9w
Read More
Migraine experience.
#chronicpain#migraines#headaches#sick#hopeless#hopeful#unwell#brain#skull#demons#pain#help#lost#decline#depression#anxiety#fear#suicidalideations#physicalpain#sufferring#screaming#crying#healing#time#darkness#momentum#gratitude#healing#heavy#headspace#mmbftd#strength#endurance#lifeMigraine
Today is a new day
The day after
The bombs were dropped
Inside my head
I felt a fissure there
Deep in my skull
Though no one else could see it
And as I became twisted
Wreckage of human
Caught up in sweaty
Uncomfortable blankets
Suddenly too rough on my skin
I begged all forces unseen
To release me from my anguish
Even death was a welcome
Suitor
The throb of my eyes
With every weak heartbeat
Smashed my face
With such force
Tears poured out of me
But crying made it worse
So I detached into a wiggle
Back and forth
As I lay on the couch
No comfort in that either
Only a way to mark time
In front of me.
Time, the only elixir for this
Evil malady
I tried everything over these years
Yet nothing helped but time
Darkness, noiseless, smell-less
Void.
No pills, shots, meditation, vitamin, nor amount of positive vibes could cure this.
And so I suffer and endure
One, two, three days on the calendar
Two maybe three times a month
And I lose those days
So I am extra grateful for the ones I get, without my skull demon riding me.
And there are so many hardships out in this world. My issue is so miniscule, and this I know.
But in my bubble of existing, I only think of myself at those times, and simotaneously trying to survive and yet welcoming death should he appear to take me.
And so today is the day after
My pain is gone enough to stand
Gone enough to sip water and see this light blaring into me.
But my mind is not sharp, not quick. I am a dumbed down version of my normal self.
Cognitive function very dim.
A few more days of this now.
I bend my knee and spout gratitude into the air around me and farther, into the universe.
My tears now in gratitude instead of pain.
I've survived again. As we are all trying to do.
Now what shall I do with this new precious time?
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
9w
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#fish#fishtank#bubbles#africancichlid#friendship#creatures#night#winter#fishtale#theoldwomanandthefishtank#love#coupe#freedom#family#compassion#intelligent#water#pond#nature#bonds#bestfriends#night#darkness#aquarium#water#rivers#sea#ocean#life#growingoldtogether#gratitude#solitary#loneliness#befriended#joy#mmbftd
Winter(or notes on a Fish)
It was winter
When I stopped sleeping.
A switch
A change in my body
Kept my mind racing
Magnetic waves
Strewn about from our sun
Reached me
Without my notice
Without an announcement
And so here I was
Upright in the dark room
Listening to the sounds of night
Fishtank bubbles
In their patterns
And then none at all
The fish himself
Who liked to jump at night
And splash through the surface
With such force.
He is a fast fish
Bright yellow
With faint black stripes
Vertical on his strong body
That darken when he gets
Excited.
I've had this fish; Coupe
Since he was tiny like my thumb
And a bright flash
Of electric blue
He was so beautiful and small
But always alert
And friendly
To me at least.
He ate every other fish
He was ever housed with-
Even his sisters.
A brother and a Chinese Algae
eater, a Plecostemus, an aquatic frog, assorted snails, two goldfish, and probably a few others I can no longer recall.
Trust me when I say, this fish wants to be alone!
He was so aggressive that once we thought we'd put him outside in our tiny pond to live free and have the chance to swim with bigger fish. Our once tiny goldfish, purchased as food for our Red-Eared Slider Turtle, had grown into 8 year old giant and beautiful want-to-be Koi.
When I gently set Coupe down into the pond so he could get adjusted to his new freedom, he would not swim away from me. He stayed at my side, me with my hand in the water for his comfort.
And he refused to go. In the end my heart was breaking that I had put him in the pond. I sat there petting this beautiful yellow bully of a fish and was in wonderment that he seemed to enjoy this.
I brought him back inside and returned him to his tank. That was years ago, and I can't remember how many years we have been together now? Seems like at least 5. I talk to him every day, sing to him, kiss him through the glass, wave from across the room, and feed him. I look forward to seeing him each morning and have grown accustomed to his splashy night sounds.
He builds elaborate nests of gravel, moving each pebble in his mouth and spitting it out with all the precision of an architect. There are vast hills and valleys in there, and ever few months he rearranges it all again. Recently he pulled part of the filter tube off ( it is about his size, 5inches) and pulled it to the bottom of the tank, into his nest, where he sleeps with it next to him. He confounds me. Is he lonely? Or not?
Well, I am lonely, and he makes me less lonely, so there's that.
I have such compassion for this fish. For all fish. I've always loved fish but he is the first I call my friend.
Ah, and now here is daylight in through my window. Night has gone, and I see the yellow flash of Coupe waking up. A gleam of quick -yellow zipping and zapping about. His day begins. I wave. He looks, straight on at me, staying still but for the gently wagging of his tail to suspend him. We aknowledge one and other.
And so it goes. An old woman and her solitary fish. A tale of two creatures co-existing. He is an African Cichlid fish, for those who got this far reading me random babblings on my precious Coupe. May you meet and befriend s fish someday. It can absolutely happen. I wish you well!
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
9w
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These are just my thoughts, and an ode to one of my very favorite short stories by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, called A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings.
#shortstories#averyoldmanwithenormouswings#mmbftd#time#age#old#empathy#love#messages#timetravel#memories#books#tactile#words#epiphanies#authenticity#love#abuse#cruelty#captivity#trapped#torturedsoul#freedom#strength#perserverance#hope#friends#community#dreams#growingold#frequencies#philosophy#paradigmshift#ancientEnormous Wings
Enormous Wings
As in, a Very old Man With-
Was a story that stuck with me over the years.
I re-read it countless times
To myself
Or others
As we lay in summer beds
Soothing our beach skin
And drinking tea
With tiny chips of ice nearly
Gone away melted.
I empathized with that poor old man, sympathized, and wept for him.
I understood as strangers tried to size him up
He; dirtied and frazzled in the chicken coop.
As the people tried to make him something he wasn't.
Something they desperately wanted him to be.
They tried to mold him, prod him, poke him, hurt him, bend him into what they thought they needed.
Yet still he remained himself.
I respected that so much.
When I was younger, I wondered how he managed to do that?
How could he be so resilient in his being?
As I grew old I understood more, how it is always best to stay yourself regardless of how others try to sway or force you into being something else.
Wether we have wings to spread or simply feet to put one in front of the other, it is best to make a quick escape from those who would see you captured up in their snares.
It is dark morning here now, as I am up far too early, before the sun I hold so dear. And a very old man with enormous wings comes back to me from the past. He is a messenger for me, or perhaps I am making him into something he is not? Just like the rest?
I dust off my book, creak it open, smell the age of it, the importance of it. I feel the textured pages with my fingertips. How I cherish these physical books. How permenant I once thought they were. But time changes and degrades things and people.
The message I find in these pages changes too through my years. Different messages for different phases of my life. And though my eyes see blurry now, I read again and listen, for my message, my epiphany.
My empathy has never wavered for the old man, although now I understand the mean-ness and cruelty of the people a little more. Life let's you experience both sides the longer you go at it.
I sit with the story. Let it resonate like some ancient tuning fork picking up my frequency. I need adjusting. To find my way back to a more authentic me, without influence of others on my truth.
I sip my now cold coffee. I once loved it sweet but now prefer it bitter. Time spins me into new iterations of what I once was.
I close my cherished book. I wonder how sad it must be for someone to never have had such a tactile experience with words.
I fold my tattered wings, curl up in my blankets and try to catch a dream again before the sunrise.
And that old man, he smiles at me, from a past I used to know. Goodnight old man. I love you.
,
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
14w
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#nesting #nest #love #birds #mom #mother #spiders #compassion #care #architect #universe #nature #mmbftd #thoughts #mami #tenderness #webs #nursery #womb #cribs #babies #comfort #safety #introspection #people #overwhelmed #anxiety #isolation #quarantine #covid #buildings #thoughtful #fear #hope #gratitude #positivity #humanity #connection #architect #warmth #feelings #observations #salticidae #arachnids #jumpingspiders #lessons
Nest
What makes a nest?
Is it fear?
The need for comfort?
A warm blanket
Connected to thin cold skin
In the night?
Twigs and sticks
Constructed by miraculous
Birds as the frenzy to complete the task overtakes them?
Ignoring dangers
Hunger pangs
One singular mission
To complete on time
Before the sacred eggs
Join this world.
Nests are needed now and then
A step into a life often dangerous and overwhelming.
What makes a nest?
The care given in it's planning?
In it's very architecture?
The Jumping Spider creates
In perfect timing
Her nursery nest
With a secondary smaller version not far from the first, a small step away from home for her brood of teeny babies.
Her construction may look haphazard to those who've never had time to watch the process from beginning to end. But it never ends for the mother spider, she is in constant movement, modifying and improving her nest. It is pliable but steely strong. She moves her abdomen back and forth, back and forth, a dance of the universe. A movement she has known since she was born. Her white reflective lines of web deposited with the comfort of repeated motions; like the brick layer on the street, one brick on mortar and again, and so it goes.
Her web catches and refracts the light. It makes beautiful rainbows at just the right angles. And yet this nest has no angles. No hard corners, no theory of buildings here. And yet this is a caring nest. After a few days she feels it will protect her and her future, so she lays her eggs and they are in a ball like structure of golden yellow hung just right at the top of the nest, the most North it can be.
She will tend to hundreds of tiny spidelettes. She will care about them, guard them with her life and nurture them with foods she has spent weeks collecting and depositing around the inside and outside of the nest. Her brood will not starve. They will feel safe and know no fear for these first weeks of their lives. And mother's careful eyes will be on them at all times. As she restructures this nest to accommodate their growth. Pushing her body up and down to widen the structure for the growing brood so they have room to move around inside.
I watch in awe, tiny black shadows inside the nest, undulating like waves of life as she sits guarding, a larger black shadow beneath them, also inside.
She keeps the 3 doors of her nursery nest sealed up, and exits only to feed and collect food for them. She is a lovely and caring creature.
And what makes a nest?
Four walls and a crib?
Two arms and full breasts?
A womb pulsing with two heartbeats. Hot blood whooshing as a lullaby?
Twigs and sticks, buildings and bricks, webs and slits. Feathers and fluff to cushion the bed.
A nest is needed. It is required. For us to all become.
And we yearn for such safety still, even as time makes us big.
I want to build a nest. For myself but also for you. I will use my love for it's base and my careful eye for it's walls. I will use my compassion for it's size, it must be big enough to comfort everyone.
And though I've never been a mother, I will use the templates set out by nature. Whether nurture or that. It's all around us. This primal information passed down in instinct. I hope we don't forget how to build nests for each other.
What makes a nest?
Love.
Let me start with that alone.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
25w
August Was
August Is
Well
October is coming
Now is the month
July reminds me
And here is August.
August was a fury.
His blue, wicked eyes
Undressed my mind
Whenever we'd meet
He could read my thoughts.
My body
In perpetual anticipation
Of his
Near me.
His low growling voice
Pricked chills up
On the soft nape of my neck.
He bit there
Never drawing blood
But as if to carry me away
Like a lion
With tender cub in sway
To safety
Away from where I might
Hurt myself.
And though I have always been
The cub to his lion-like ways
It was more passionate
Than paternal.
We longed for each other
Like the characters I scribed
Or the lifelike sketches
And paintings he created
With those strong beautiful hands.
Our fire spanned decades.
It's orange-yellow flames
Burned on in secret parts of us.
We had only once chance
Long ago
To be together
Age has erased what went wrong or why
Neither of us cared. The fire, the Magnet the pull of stars and suns
Still gravitated us to one another.
I kept remembering the way that July sun lit up your blond beard
Your lips within
Buried there
And how I wanted them on mine
Like needing air
I needed you.
Ours was not a consistent type of knowing
As years passed
We stay vanished and silent
Until we don't
Then it all comes back to
how it was
As if I am sitting too close to you at that table
Me in my 20's: the huntress
And you needing fixing
I watched you sketch
My character
So effortlessly
So full of talent
To make paper and pencil seem real
You started with the negative space, and went from there.
I liked the scratchy sounds your pencil made against
The paper
as my stomach reacted to your handsome face with such excitement and energy.
But beyond the primal, physical wanting
was a deep connection.
We saw each other and then we simply became. Like links in chain, one needing the other to be.
You have always been that to me. Over 20 years and nothing about us dims. I'm still your number one fan and you still cut me with a loving truth only you can deliver. I trust in you. More than others. I cherish you more than others. Our history is testament to our connection.
And I'm not deluded. We know we are both disasters in different ways, and that is OK. That is called acceptance, or love, or something close enough to desire.
It's valuable.
August, you are breathtaking.
I'm still in awe. As are you. I love that for us. Shouldn't we all have someone so perfectly imperfect to hold onto?
I'm so grateful.
Eternally yours, m.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
41w
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#quarantined#freedom#sadness#loss#tyranny#fear#family#nature#cursed#isolation#coronavirus#covid19#comet#atlas#incoming#sky#clouds#quiet#yellowsun#bluesky#people#chemtrails#solarradiationmanagement#geoengineering#weathermodification#jets#planes#cognitivedissonance#idonotconsent#remorse#timetravel#Mandela#quantumphysics#mmbftd#memories#simulatedreality#identity#irrelevance#oppression#irreversable#now#nwo
Damn You
First you took my sun
It used to be warm
Inviting
Energizing
And calming simultaneously
I remember that color
Golden yellow to citrus orange
So easy to stare at, that our parents had to remind us not to!
Coconut oil on my tanned childhood skin
Floating in turquoise chlorine water
The scent of oil mixed with the scent of the thin plastic innertube my skinny childhood body floated in.
I watched all the wavy sun lit lines travel across the bottom of the pool.
They hypnotized me, until my body floated in time with the tiny water movements of the pool. Undulations.
I stuck my bottom in the hole of the innertube and faced the sky.
A rich deep blue like my best friend's eyes.
Brilliant white puffy clouds
Slowly drifted through the sky.
But you took that too.
Damn you for taking my blue blue sky.
And smells
like fresh flowers, green grass and fresh living dirt.
And now
You took my family
And friends
You took my human touch
My hugs
My soft embrace
My healing hand holding
Damn you
You took anything worth
Living for
But damn you
I won't let you take me!
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
52w
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#fear#panicattack#anger#guilt#shame#sadness#alone#anxiety#majordepressivedisorder#seasonalaffectivedisorder#agoraphobia#mentalillness#relationships#marriage#hig'hsandlows#aging#loneliness#love#tears#pain#burden#suicidalideations#mmbftd#wife#men#strength#tolerance#monotony#moody#defeated#hope #love #friendship #life #thoughts #diary
Silent
When you begin
Your anger welling up
From within
I don't know where to go
I want to help
It's my first reaction
When you are angry
Or frustrated
And you yell out
In absolute
Exasperation
Because the world presses down on you
And me
In different ways
And you don't let me help
So I want to run away
Or cry
Because every thing is
My fault
Always
And always was
And always will be
From the time I was small
Till this time now
Being old.
So. I have learned (although it goes against every single part of me)
To stay silent
Or go away from you.
Because I get angry too
And I need to remind myself
How much it affects you
When I do that to you too.
Although I rarely get angry with you
It is life or other people who continue to hurt me
But I cannot escape them
I am bound by obligation
Much like you feel you are to me
And your silence far outweighs
Mine
And it hurts to never speak or be spoken to
Now your anger has passed
As my panic has grown to an undeniable pitch
Until I spill out of myself
In tears and choppy
Barely sustaining breaths.
So I hide from you
To allow myself to be possessed
By the other spirit
Of chaos
Created from toxic shame
Guilt and self-loathing.
It tells me your life would be so much better
If I wasn't here-
And my life would be better
If I wasn't.
You and I would be free of this tether...
But I shush those voices
As I always have
As I always will
From a young girl
Until now
An old woman
with wrinkles mapped out on a face that carries sadness like it is all she has ever known.
I cry into the silence
And look around
As the chaos spirit
Lessens it's hold
Around my soul.
I am alone, and once again-
Silent.
Just the way you prefer me.
And the way I was always shown.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
53w
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#mmbftd#youth#society#thoughts#fittingin#destroyer#sad#women#men#relationships#facade#dreams#strength#value#authenticity#voyeur#age#wisdom#sociology#manufactured#passions#identity#personality#sex#front#fake#climb#grassisntgreener#independent#proud#love#selfrespect#tribe#family#illusions#hope
Fitting in
No one talks about it
When fitting in
Doesn't fit
Did you get in?
Trick em so they didn't realize
That you don't fit in
To their group
Of sunny smiles
White teeth shining
Colgate grins
Like Cheshire cats
And pussy on display
Is this where you wanted to be?
Is it everything you thought it would be
To be seen?
Collected and molded
To shapes that hurt your tender body
Contorted
And bent
Till you are on your knees
Get up
Get up
Stand
You don't need what they are selling you
Polished and manufactured
Smooth lines
Fresh wax
Reflecting your pain
Are you a car
Meant to floss your worth?
A woman is not a display of a man's power
Don't fight so hard to get in there
It's twisted and delirious
The pain numbed over
By powder up your nose
And fire into your vein
You sleep
Wake up
Do it all again
And I'm only watching
From the sideline
An old voyeur in a world
Turned mad
Kids are not kids
They aren't allowed to be
They get processed
Into someone else's
Commodity
And it makes me sad
Because I do remember
What it felt like
To believe I was on the outside
But you've got to find the right tribe
Where it fits and feels like the family you never had
Where they lift you up to be what your passions scream
Listen to those
Because nobody talks about
How fitting in hurts
Once you fake it to get there
You can't remember who you were
Don't fight so hard
To exterminate
Who you really are
You are no one else's commodity
Stand up
Fight for your self
You matter.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
53w
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#life #thoughts #poetry #nature #mmbftd#sunsim#lookup#memories#nostalgic#technology#changes#society#relationships#mortality#philosophy#notmychildhoodsky#sun#nature#simulation#Mandelaeffect#dreams#analog#records#vinyl#needle#theories#reflection#existential#reason#words#repeat#blueskytowhite#yellowsunisagift#mourning
Simulation
Do you remember
Analog?
Like yellow Sun
And blue skies
Those days are gone.
Do you remember
Vinyl skipping?
Needle dropping
Love sharing?
No likes
Phantom figments
Of manufactured adoration.
Do you remember
Soft touches?
Like fire's spark inside
Combusted.
And there were 2
Not many
1+1=2 is now insanity.
I'm a throwback
Vintage queen
Wrinkled rockstar
Pretending to be seen
I come and go
When I want
I'm not connected
To your lightning cords
My birth is a legend
No test tube
No clone
No DNA collected
No vaccinated sickness
Represented.
And do you remember
Analog?
Like yellow Sun and blue sky
Those things were meant
To die
I mourn their loss
And mine
Look up
This is
Not My Childhood Sky
It's something
Streamed in from the SIM
I'm out of lives ready to die
I'm ready
Put the needle down
And it skips, skips
And starts again
Do you remember
Analog?
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
69w
Slow
Tonight is slow
Like a drip of
Cold honey
Unmoved by my desire
For it
I want the hours to be minutes
So we can be together
Again.
But time is crawling
Tonight
Like freshly hatched Salticidae
Across my chest
I watch the air
Move inside and outside of me
My skin rising and falling
Tiny chills prickled my flesh
Waves
Chopping at me
Currents
Taking me
Hiding me from the usual
Passage
Of time.
Now all was slowed
As the orbit
Became a stretched out
Ellipses
Warped, elongated
A tube, as it rolled over into itself
And time began to speed up
And slow
Immesurably except to those of us who could feel it through our bodies.
And tonight dragged on
It took my body with it
A hostage dragged by chain-
Clanking loudly in my mind
Echoes thrown
All around this empty home
Sounds that should not be-
Are here.
And I glance nervously
My eyes straining to meet their sources.
I know I won't see them, I rarely do.
I feel the earth trembling
The quakes have increased
And much like time
They are mere markers of it.
Warped or not
Time is moving so slowly now
Like cold honey
Without the sweetness...
And somewhere far away
But close enough to seem like it is over my head
I hear the rustle of shiny black raven feathers
And it calms and frightens me
Simultaneously.
I miss you my friend
And those little sounds you made while perching for the night next to me.
You helped me with my passage of time and your feathers in my fingers gave me so much courage and love.
I could almost accept
That time was broken now.
And honey is cold and not sweet and you are gone forever and there are noises in this house and I am alone and waiting...for time to snap back into place again.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
74w
For Poe
(This is Poe) R.I.P. my eternal friend.
"Every spiderweb
Became my gift
Because they caught your feathers there-
Where I could not reach
A part of you
I was never meant to keep."
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
74w
Poe
Every spiderweb
Became a gift
Because they caught
Your beautiful feathers there
Where I could not reach
And long after your passing
As my heart breaks and morphs into something
Stronger, hopefully-
I can admire your black shiny irredescent feathers that were starting to show
And your fluffy baby feathers
I watched you Preen as you grew
I will watch sunsets again
Now minus you
Their beauty dulled dramatically
By your loss
Because we loved each other so
and shared wordless hours
In mutual appreciation of each other
And these spiderwebs
Are now my gifts
All around where we lived
For they caught your feathers there
Where I could not reach
A beautiful part of you
I was never meant to keep.
(For Poe, a beautiful wild Raven who we lost much too soon. He was the light of my days, an incredibly intelligent, soulful, loving companion who I had a bonded relationship with for a little over a month. I spent hours a day playing and talking with him. He trusted me and I loved him so deeply. I beg my heart heals soon.)
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
76w
Read More
#organizedreligion#history#Catholicism#church#priest#mortals#God#Jesus#Mary#Holyghost#sacrifice#sonofgod#needlesssuffering#savingsouls#bloodofchrist#bodyofchrist#kneel#taught#obedient#pray#repent#sorry#freethought#control#masses#communion#divorce#cheat#liar#narcissism#abused#psychology#society#learned#cult#breakfree#mmbftd#ancienthistory#thinkforyourself#hope#loveyourselffirst
The Learning
I was taught to kneel
Before I could stand
Taught to beg
From your outstretched hand
Taught to fear
My own thoughts
Fear living
And decisions
And being unjust
I was taught that men
Were to be revered
In their white collar
And black suit
With the bread of Christ
As their trade
I was taught that the battered and bloodied dead man
Who hauntingly, pleadingly
Looked down on me each Sunday,
That he was dead for me.
But I never wanted him to be dead for me.
This made no sense to my innocent 4 year old mind
Being molded by the sculptors of the church
I was taught that this man's father
Loved his son so much
That he let him die a terrible, foreseeable death
Abused by so many during his life. I was taught that if you love someone so deeply, you sacrifice them to a horrible life and then death.
For others.
To save their souls of course.
Hmm?
Then I was taught to eat his body disguised as a thin styrofoam-like wafer that stuck to the roof of my mouth for the entirety of mass each Sunday.
Later, as I was older, I was taught to drink his blood, from a gold chalice dispensed by a special man who had powers beyond the mortals. He wore a huge white robe with gold and purple scarves and sashes.
He said this wine was blood and we all drank it up eager to have the blood of Christ inside us.
Later than that
I learned what cannibals were
And vampires
And narcissists
And I connected dots
And considered my history
How my brain had been washed
In unclean ways
How my own thoughts could actually belong to me and not God or Jesus or the Virgin Mary or the Holy ghost.
Before I could walk
I learned to kneel
Before I could speak
I was forced to listen
How I would not belong to myself-
I belonged to God alone.
How I should save my virginity because of God, because that is what he wanted from me.
How all my value was tied up in my vagina and how obedient I could act
With my parents and later my husband.
I learned that if the loving vows are broken in a marriage
And your heart breaks and aches for your husband
As he follows another woman around
Waiting for a chance to have a relationship with her, how once you decide to divorce the church sacrifices you.
They beat you down further in judgement and scorn and wiggling tongues like serpents in a basket.
You are excommunicated when you need support the most. And your value which was in your virginhood, is now gone for good.
You are worthless.
Nothing left to offer in this church-world.
Time to repent.
And I never did stop saying I was sorry for each little thing.
So, I'm sorry now.
Sorry for learning all the wrong lessons.
And I was taught with a purpose...to obey without questioning...
And I broke that rule too.
©mmbftd11 3 1
- silent_thinker_farha
- edilchristian "gold chalice" loved that part! awesome
- lizzylove12 I'm sorry you had such a poor impression of Catholicism. Unfortunately the religion is frequently misused and misunderstood, leading to such impressions.
-
mmbftd
77w
I won't
I won't take it back
Have you ever stopped
A moment
A pause
To contemplate
We never age out of what we were born to be
And guess what my youthful friends?
When you get old
You've less impetuous
To pretend
That you are ok
And just right
A perfect peg in the perfectly shaped hole
Sawn out from hardened aged wood
Teeth and blades chewing you raw
Can we ever fit in?
Do we dare to truly want that?
I hum along
To the distant mourning doves
Bowing and cooing
For loves they've lost
And I too
Pine
Pine
Pine away
Smelling the fresh needles underfoot
Coo-oo-hoo-coo-coo
I hum along
Until my mourning
Morning
Is done.
And don't you want to know?
My youthful wishful kin?
How it all turns out-
In the end?
We still want to be accepted
And loved-
To belong to those
With a prettier face
Than soul.
Surface
Floating
There's no disuading us
From the pining
Pine
Pine
Pining away
For those who knew better than to stay
As your cracks revealed themselves
Like golden sunshine
Catches light
In all the wrong ways
Like the wrinkles smashed into my face.
And I'm here to tell you
It stays the same
Your still the one
You were meant to be
You were that all along
Before they told you what they said you should be
In the end
That all falls away
Like lizard skin
And prayers to the unknown
You are left with yourself
And those who want the cracks in you
In a delicate way
An appreciative way
Realizing
Your authenticity
Is worth more
Than a mask
That hangs around your necks
Smile children
Get to know yourself
Let go of the sculptors tools
No creation required
You are already all you are
All you will ever need to be
Nerds geeks jocks cheerleaders gays straights and inbetweens
Models mentors and intellects
Anyone is all they are
Already
I know
Because I'm still that shy girl
Sitting alone at the edge of the room
Not ever raising my hand
Scrawling in notebooks
And dreaming beautiful dreams
Content to be away from everyone
Even the ones
Trying to get in
Surrounded by animals
Who need me
Looking up at the sun
And living
And I won't take it back
I won't
And you shouldn't either.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
85w
Read More
#joy#now#future#past#mind#memory#history#narration#storyteller#director#thinker#contemplation#hollow#moving#time#confusion#connection#sever#ties#bonds#creation#holdingon#baffled#existing#living#confounded#selfsabotage#shallow#avoidance#empty#mmbftd#depression#anxiety#seasonalaffectivedisorder#cptsd#writer#therapy#questions#searching#soul#insight
Is there?
Is there still joy?
I have memories of searching
And almost catching it
But I was fooling myself
I was acting
Playing house
With men who tolerated me
Until they couldn't
But by that time
I had beat them to it
By throwing them out
Throwing them away
Before they could deliver
Their dreadful messages of
Goodbye.
I remember experiencing things
Always in the future or past
But never in the now
I am incapable
Still
Of being still enough
In body and mind
To do that.
"Now" eludes me
Much like love
Or even knowing what that is.
Such a strange way to exist
Being a narrator
A film maker
Of my own life
Like never having any control
Only foreshadowing
Or
Recounting
Moments I've been a part of.
I used to plan elaborate things
As I lay in bed
On a school night
Plotting
What I might say
The next day
Should someone want to speak to me
I plotted how I would stand
And look in my clothes
How I would be perceived
By the other little kids.
The next day would come
I would follow my plot line
And it never worked out how I wanted it to
No one wanted to speak to me
No little friends
And had I made them
I wouldn't have enjoyed them
Being so incapable of enjoying moments.
Stuck up here
Inside my head
Reading the script of my life
Not yet lived
Or turning the yellowed, stiffened pages of my own history
As a bedtime story
For only me.
Tell me, is there joy?
I've forgotten to experience it.
Is it out there? Or in here?
I'm stuck
And slowed
And no wiser
Though the catalogues
Of my life are considerable now.
Tell me is there joy?
(She asks into the darkness.)
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
91w
I made a mistake
I made a mistake
I let it in
Trying to innocently
Get a breeze
To blow the demons
Out of our home
And unintentionally
Let something else
Equally
Insidious
Through our screen
This air
White
Thick
Acid lung stinging
Ears ringing
Body vibrating
Sickness.
I let it in.
Now it's too late to do anything
But breathe
What else is there?
I'm responsible for this
The sky is in our house
And now I can't get it out
Head throbbing
Pulsing
With purposeful
Rhythm
Assigned by those unseen
I made a mistake
So I must suffer
I'd rather live with the demons
Than breathe this chemtrail air
At least demons
Have their reasons
I've made a mistake.
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
94w
Read More
#sillyrhymes#analysis#nostalgia#hope#captivity#degrading#age#lookingback#lookup#photographer#singer#songwriter#lover#bestfriends#love#regret#growth#insight#thoughts#oldwoman#youngheart#creative#lonely#affectionate#eyes#writer#philosopher#future#introvert#anxiety#agoraphobic#depression#wakingup#grateful#backfromthedead
#mmbftdNot just
I'm more than photographs
Taken with my green blue eyes
More than music that I scribe
More than melodies
Sung to comfort those
Who've come undone
More than gentle kisses on your eyes
More than lover's bodies entwined
I'm more than what I've left behind
And more than silly rhymes
But blind men
Stay darkened
Purposefully
They take for granted
What they cannot see
And I'm more than an old woman
Who counts the years
More than a childless version
Of what society believes
I should be
And I'm more than phrases
You never heard before
More than the sum of all the books I've read
Turning silky pages
Cracking spines
Integrating character's lives
Into mine
I'm more than my breaking body
Now betraying me
Keeping me caged in the pain of captivity
For I would walk then run
Away from here
If I thought my body would carry me there
If I thought my splintered mind
Would let me finally decide
And I'm more than what I will be
In some future even I can't see
With my lens facing
Maybe the wrong way
Green blue eyes
What can I be today?
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
94w
Scars
Remember
When you didn't think
Your scars were beautiful?
When the slice in your skin
Made only by others
Consumed you
With horror.
Yet your calculated, deliberate
Slices adorned your feather white arms
Like sleeves of proof
You still existed
Your inner thighs
Held tight
To the belief that your marks could erase all who had been there inside you.
Remember when you didn't know who you were?
How every phrase a man uttered to you dictated the messy map of your future and your past.
Remember how that old voice
Deep like the chasm of your despair, beckoned you into your own demise
So many, many times.
Going back was never moving foward.
Remember when you saw a light?
You caught him in a mason jar and let him illuminate the pages of your life as you wrote your own story...for the first time ever.
Remember how we used to cry till we laughed?
Holding each other so tightly so we would never lose ourselves. We held each other together. Patched and glued and stapled until all we were was mismatched emotions with no cohesive bond at all. Remember how you were the first to love me true?
Remember when you finally looked in the mirror at your self, the way he looked at you, without judgement or critique.
With the eyes of belonging and acceptance.
Remember when I ran my finger over your lumpy stitches and told you that scars are beautiful markers of our strength and no reason to be ashamed?
Remember when you finally agreed?
And now
You are free. Scars coat us both. Some self inflicted some by other's incising.
But now, can you remember?
When you didn't think your scars were beautiful?
How long ago that was!
©mmbftd -
mmbftd
96w
Read More
#loss#Abuelita#sadness#grief#mourning#regret#remorse#shame#lost#garden#flowers#elders#teachers#growth#spirit#learning#reflection#insight#time#healing#hope#burn#sun#fear#unknown#self#depression#failure#selfish#selfhatred#missingyou#unloved#undeserving#lonely#karma#punishment#forgiveness#mmbftd#thoughts#outside#nature#earth#ashestoashestotrees#gratitude#grandma#love
I burned
Outside was sharp light
She knelt to capture
A yellow flower that reminded her
Of her long gone Abuelita.
The white hot sun
Didn't allow her to get lost in this moment
Of photographing water on soft petals
Of green, course leaves
With aphid tenants
This sun burned her toes and feet
Pale-skin-red
Like embarrassment
For not visiting
Before she left forever.
She poured hose water over her feet as she waited for the pain to subside
Grabbing the little white gate to pull herself up to stand
She looked out over her replica garden
Trying to be so beautiful
Like her grandma's
But she had never grown anything of her own
She took cues from all the elders
But could not break free completely
With her own direction and momentum
Burn
Burning
Her heart could not take this
Self assessment
Plucking the sunflower
She realized
Was yet another mistake she had made
Burned
Down into forgotten ashes
Kept on a shelf with a dusty photograph
Of a time less perilous
When the thought of being without Abuelita had never entered her mind.
Burn
Burning
Burnt
That sun
Is on me now
My soul is ash
My heart is unloved
And I cannot wait to bring her my sorry sunflower
Burned and blossomed
To our full capabilities.
©mmbftd