I've been lying to myself about my feelings for you for years now.
Defense mechanism? Now I'm for sure.
Protecting myself from my favorite human being that I have ever come across in 30 years.
Because I don't factually know if you are capable of feeling real emotion, or if you're the most skilled and dedicated liar I have ever had the pleasure to know. A genius. One of the most adaptable, manipulative, convincing, and creative beings ever to exist and impact me with the weight of worlds. You, my beautiful monster, remain still, the only one who has ever kept their word to me.
But the most frightening thing I know about you, is that you take immense pleasure and fulfillment, bringing deepest fears and most dreadful nightmares to life. You make it seem easy to hurt another. Left pleased.
From my place, I have always accepted you, sociopath.
I love, constant and steadily, to believe you treasure me in a peculiar way, with the same concern and dedication, as whatever you have left in New York, hidden amoungst Coney Island Beach, with held obligation combined with imbedded desire to always go back and see.
You come, you love, love more, then leave.
In patterns and segments only, never to stay.
Beautiful, yet fleeting, like the breeze.
I know EXACTLY who you are. More so what you are.
You should scare me.
But when I think of you, when I'm with you, it's not fear, but safety.
Whenever every single other human neglects to answer my desperate 3am telephone rings, you are always, each tragic, empty time, the man who saves me. A vacation from my tormented and weak days.... Im sorry if I have never thanked you for that. You're always there for me.
I speak publically of you almost as a God I worship, the single entity who taught me and guided me to be convinced of almost every detail of what I have come to believe. A higher power, who most importantly, taught me to love and to respect each and every part of me. And I have always come to or prayed to you, simply just to guide or teach me the things I never know that I need, and not lie.
But for years now, I have been witness to all of the evil that you have caused. The lack of sorrow when standing above people that you have made bleed. The lives that you have left to suffer. The complete lack of effect that your actions, solidly destroy, everyone who is weak. I keep the secrets of your confessions, granting you cleansing like a priest. But never once, have you tried to hurt me.
All this time, It's me, who I found, not just believing, but I have been living undoubtedly in my own lie that I convinced myself to truly be. But today, I looked at you, and knew differently.
I have irrevocably, infectiously, and undeniably been in love with you the whole entire time. Just afraid to have to ever face the possibility that you are incapable of recipricating emotion, and once again, lose what has always been most precious to me. But not once, has my treasure ever really been mine just to lock away and keep.
I'm in love with you, sociopath. There, I said it. For today, that was alot to muster up to say. And though I fear that only the simplist mishaps may further push you away. It's hurtful, in the most instinctual way.
But to you and for you, I always pray. The closest thing I could ever compare to my version of strength, providing the two things I cant give myself, validation and a safe place for my wounded heart and paradoxical mind.
Without you, I have no solid confirmation that I would still be alive.
I lost you once. I don't want to live in any world, without you in it anyway.