It took half an expected lifespan to get a current model year car. Some, forty some odd years and still paying the loan. Of course I don't drive anymore but Gloria deserves nice things. I love her so much. She is such a kind soul yet often hurt by us close to her. Her childhood eyes, melted me through a school yard photograph, yeats after we were together. I weep in pain, cursing time and questioning why.
True to form in the game of capitalism, the car was previously a rental but damn if it wasn't new to us. She really wanted a backup camera. Then, six months, in a recall is announced and sure as hell, that camera stopped working. She's been hit thrice on her rear bumper so far. Two insurance claims and a slow speed bump from a kid whos foot slipped off the clutch while worrying about coronavirus. We all are worrying, afraid of the future and dreaming of more time to fix our pasts.
Dad is recently gone, he was eighty-two. No funeral or mass, sadder still I still taste those same salt tears in my throst from when I was a boy. They were divorcing and alone as I sat in a dark closet. . Ma died last year as well, leaving us shattered and scattered. Again as we threw away our starter family furniture as my little boy went. I just wish, we could rewind time back then to a time on Augustus Ave. The painted yellow cobbestones border a long gone rose bush. She painted them sitting in the grass with a small brush.
My kids have their own sad baggage and breakage; the floatsum and jetsam from my wake. I'm sorry, will make a good epitaph if I get a stone. Apples from trees and fathering sins. Mama, please let me love you? Soon, that Nissan will be past being useful with its aging high miles and battle scars evident. I too am approaching the middle of the end as I recognize certain mandatory and inevitanle outcomes. Such unresolved emotions left raw and unatoned.
Sobriety ripped open the curtain with its clean saline stinging my skin rough cheeks and close grey beard. I wan't them all to know, I cared so much it still hurts inside. I always thought we would have had more time together. "Maybe everything that dies, some day comes back."