I once read there is form off self hate that is so strong, it can turn you Into a socio path. I wonder if I have it. If I did that to myself. When I think about it like this I feel like a mother worrie selfr diagnosing on web md. Turning a cold into corona. Giving myself major health disorders.
Blame the internet.
But can you hate yourself that much? Is it even possible? It actually sounds logical. A sociopath as far as I understand is a manipulator with no empaty. Also a liar. I've lied a few times just typing this far. Though I wouldn't say just hate is the cause, more a factor.
But if someone really hates who they become, or things they've done. Wouldn't they hide from it. I mean who want all those negative feelings rolling around 24 7. The mind would defend itself to survive. So You murder your feelings. Kill what you feel all in order to live with yourself. I guess....Maybe…..
Still it would only be one factor to making a sociopath. I'll freely admit it. I know I feel nothing anymore. I cant relate. I see no reason why my moral compass would be considered so wrong. If I ever truely said what I think you would say My empathy has died. A long slow death yes, but it is gone now all the same. I look in the mirror and it's like looking at you.
Who are you? You, there, behind those eyes, who the fuck are you really?.
…who am I?
2 months ago I was locked up in a triple c. That's a State institute for parolees almost back in society from doing time upstate. The guy who was on the bunk below me.
Was a 6'8 300 pound something black man named zues who just did 19 years for a mixer from Allentown. That bottom bunk, It used to be my bottom bunk.
No, he didn't rape me, make me his bitch and make me take top bunk where I went to sleep curled in a ball sucking my thumb massaging my asshole. Staff asked me to move, not him, as he had a medical reason. And he was a sweet guy eeally. But If he has asked me to move uimself. I fucking would if, they don't give the name like zues out in jail for no reason. And he just did 19 years in huntsville. Taking powdered cow steroids and lifting weights all day. For 19 years! of course I'd move!
But you have someone like him there, and someone like me, who never did more then 8 straight months in jail and technically only ever had one felony in his life. Technically.
Anyway, a triple c has locked doors not bars. And only locked to get outside or of the unit.
Your there to get ready to go home, or if you don't have a home, to the other side of the building into a halfway back. They are getting you ready to go out into society. If you just did 19 years your learning what a smart phone is. There's only 1 fence, with shitty barb wire, and a septa bus stop is close enough to hit with a tennis ball if you grabbed it off the Spanish always playing wallball.
I sat all this to say that a triple c is a wide variety of people and a big disparity in criminal. But so is jail period. I've been on a cell block with a mass murderer, a child pornographer, a mafia bosses son who was a capi, and a guy with 2 dui's. Who really knows with the system?
One day As we walked to snacks an older guy stumbled into the walls , seizing up. He hit the floor a few people in front of me. The line stopped and everyone stopped to gawk and help. Later on, after he died there on the linolium floor surrounded by strangers, I found out it was a massive stroke.
people gathered around, and I found myself caught in the logjam. And so I I had a moment to pause and consider my next move. what did was thought out , not reaction. Which might make it worse .
I looked at the man on the floor. People are helping, I can't save his ass. I look at the doors to snacks. I knew they would lock us down while they tried to save this guy. I was hungry, I acted. I pushed past the people in front of me, nudged the guy knelt down next to the guy. So I could step over the body and be on my way. I seen my celly touch the fallen man’s leg as I go past. I hear “he cold yo, he dead “then I was sliding through the doors into the hall on to the cafeteria. I won’t save you. I’m hungry. I survive. A minuite later the building was locked down. The ones stuck over there got an apple each. I spent an hour wasting money in the vending machine, h8gh on k2. The man died, I didn’t know his name, I still don’t. I didn’t feel bad as I did that either. Where's your conscience you might as. My buddy zues did, he thought what i did was really fucked up. he killed someon. I havent.
Gogogogo, do it now before they lock down.they starve you here. Jalapeno burgers. Go
Yes there was a voice in my head that said to help. A much more pragmatic voice answered. Help, help how? You a doctor. Anyway your going to miss snacks, your starving so go.
It's common sense. Is that sociopathic. I don't know. What is a sociopath but someone that has a moral justification for anything. A ready made perfectly good excuse for thier actions.
What is a sociopath besides being a great liar? A great manipulator? Of everyone else but mostly of yourself. Explaining your feelings away and then burying them deep. Then convincing yourself they were never there and forgetting.
Lying until it's the truth. Have u ever slightly changed a story to make it more interesting when telling it. You like the story, so you tell it a few times. Eventually when you tell that story you don't pause to think of what you added in. You tell it like it has happened. You believe it happened that way until you remember it is partly a lie.
What if you can convince yourself that something is nessacary. And believe it. In the end, when it comes to human beings, Everything bow's to the weight of nessaciry. The ends have justified the means since we first learned to survive.
All I know is though the voice that said help and the voice screaming go. They both sounded like me. But the pragamatic one. The voice of justification, the voice that says go is the one I think off as myself. I think of as my voice. The one saying help is just a thought.