My Imaginary Reality
I was young and not so smart with girls. I was on high school, still living in my home town. I had nothing to worry besides my exams and how to play songs on my guitar using only my radio and a lot of free hours, there was no internet or apps. I had a band with some guys from school, we were not good, but we were giving our best. Once, we managed to play in a little show in front of the whole school, it was terrible, but we had fun. And there was a girl, 2 years younger, charming, cute, nice, and she was in love with me. It seemed perfect and simple, but I was young and not so smart with girls. Her name was Mia.
I was in school break, as usual, talking to my friends leaning against a wall. When a girl came to me and said, “Are you Thomas?”, I answered yes, waiting for the girl to continue. “You see that girl over there? She likes you.”, she said while pointing at a pretty girl by the tree in the center of the garden. That was Mia. Her face turned red and she ran away. It was when I knew that Mia liked me, I feel pride of myself and my self-esteem was in the clouds. The moment I saw her I felt something different inside me, I wanted to talk to her, to know what she liked to do, which kind of songs she liked, wanted to ask her what she thought about my drawings and songs I wrote. I wanted to know her.
“Wow! She is so young! You’ll need to wait a couple of years. Hehehehe”, One of my friends said, as soon as Mia’s friend went after her. And all my other friends agreed with John. At that time, I took my friend’s opinions into account, actually I cared very much what they would say about me. “Yeah! Maybe in a couple of years.”, I said giving them a fake smile. Everything I said was untold by my eyes while looking at the direction where Mia went.
Mia waited for me to take the initiative, but I never did. She was frequently in my sight during school breaks, smiling to me and talking to her friends. I felt very good every time I saw her. I looked for her as soon as I got outside. I didn’t want to admit that I was in love with her as well, but I was stupid and I did nothing about this, cause I was always looking for my friends’ approval about girls. When I was alone, I used to build an imaginary reality where I finally went to Mia and talked to her. I imagined we talking for ours, I saw we walking by the river, showing her my favorite songs, playing guitar for her. We smiled, laughed together, I even went to know her mother. Unfortunately, his father had passed away some years ago. We were so happy, it was magic, my love was glowing more than any star, it could be seen from other galaxies. But at the end it was just a dream. Then I got back to Earth I felt very sad.
As the time passed other girls happened, girls that my friends approved. I dated some of them, but my heart was always elsewhere. When I saw one of Mia’s friends talking to her about a girl I was dating, I could read her beautiful lips. “Her?”, I saw in her face a disappointment expression. It hurt me. In the other hand, my friends were pride of me. “Thomas, you’re a lucky guy, you know! Liza is very beautiful!”, John said and I gave him an approval smile. I hope that my real dreams would come true someday.
On the eve of the holidays it was custom in my town to have our t-shirt and books signed by friends, once it was uncertain that we all would be together next year. After I had signed some of my classmates’ books I went to see my friends play soccer. Then Mia with her friends came to me. My heart began to beat so hard like I was the one playing soccer for ours. “Can you sign my book, Thomas?”, That was the first time she talked to me. Her voice was soft, pleasing, if a fairy could speak that would be her voice. I did not know what to do. She was standing in front of me waiting for my answer. “Of course.”, I said getting the book and the pen. I was lost, I did not know what to write, my mind was empty, and my hands were almost shaking. I did not know that I was so shy. And seeing her friends laughing looking at us made things even more difficult for me. It was like they were waiting for something to happen. I wrote “From Thomas to Mia”. It was terrible, I disappointed myself. I wished I could write my phone number or told her how I liked her, but I was a coward. As I remember, that was the only time we talked to each other so close.
I couple years passed. Now when I went to school, I usually saw her going to school just 30 meters ahead. Sometimes we also shared the same street when going to home after school. Every time I thought about getting to her and telling everything about my feelings. Actually, those were the perfect moment, as we were alone, no friends of mine or hers.
“Mia, among the others is the nicest. The other ones are kind of boring”. That was what my friend John told me when we were talking about the girls of the last year in school. “So, now Mia is nice?”, I thought while remembering all the times that he and the other guys told me to date other girls. Maybe they were jealous about me, about having a girl so perfect as Mia in love with me. “You know what? I don`t give a shit about what you think!”, I said to him, finally imposing my wishes and opinions. After that, instead of losing my friend, I earned his respect. Later, a beautiful girl of my class declared to be interested in me. My friends told me to date her, but I told them “No, she is not my type of girl.”, They got very surprised. I did know what was my type of girl, that was going to see after school.
That was me, walking home, Mia was about 20 meters behind me. I was accumulating courage to stop and talk to her. The waited moment was there, at last. I remembered my imaginary reality, I felt that happiness was very close, I just needed to stop and talk to her. But I was afraid to be rejected. “She is waiting for this moment for years just as I am. She is in love with me. Everybody knows that. I just need to talk to her”, I was telling myself in order to accumulate enough courage. At last, I had stopped, turned around and looked at her. She could not hide her surprise and I could see her smiling. That give the missing strength to tell her all that I felt about her. That was the time to open my heart, to be vulnerable.
“Hi Mia!”, It was much harder than I thought. “Hi!”, she said trying to hide her smile. It is obvious that she was happy. “I’d like to talk to you.”, I was really nervous, I was sweating cold, felt my legs shaking, but I could not run away. It was now or never. “Ok”, she said while still trying to keep her happiness under control. “It has been almost two years that we met. I gotta to admit that… since the first time I saw you… I got in love with you... I got myself imagining closing your eyes and kissing you… I was I stupid… I cared more about what my friends thought… than what my heart told me to do… I really like you… You’re so nice, cute… All I do is think of you... Sorry to wait for too long to say all of this to you.”, I talked and talked and talked, making a lot of pauses, and she stood still in front of me listening carefully every word I said. I finally got all my feelings out of me and I felt so relieved. I was smiling, looking forward the moment to finally kiss her.
“Ok. But it’s too late. I got over you. There is someone else now.” She said while still hiding her smile. Those words got me as a punch in my stomach. “That didn’t mean to be like this. What is happening? She likes me.”, I thought while trying to digest those sentences she said. I have never felt so lost, all my dreams went away. I did not know what to do, what to say. “Ok.”, that was what I said with a bitter smile letting my shame at sight. Then she passed by me and made her way home.
After 15 years, I am older and still not so smart with girls. I have a job, living far away from my home town. I have much to worry. I don’t play songs on my guitar anymore. But my imaginary reality still exists. While I write these words I can see her, she closes her eyes and I kiss her.