Understand that regardless of how many times you assure me that you won't, I'll always keep preparing for when you decide to leave.
I can't help it. Something broke in me everytime one of the people who had promised me forever, woke up one fine day and decided he/she didn't need me in his/her life anymore. It happened so many times, it had become a pattern, a vicious cycle and I decided to break it. I didn't know how so I just broke it with another pattern - I left before they could.
I won't be left behind anymore. I would leave. It's okay if you don't get it. I didn't get it either when people left me behind but I hope, unlike me, you will have the maturity to understand that it was never really about you (there's nothing wrong with you!) but about the one who left (in your case, that would be me!), that if you do the same to someone else, you're just be creating another damaged person & the world already has too many of us.
If there was just one person among all these abandoned people who decided they won't leave, they won't become the pain that they were caused, we could all be saved. I hope someday, I can be that person. Until then, like all damaged people who have a way with words, I will hide behind my words hoping you'll forgive my wretchedness & understand that even when I leave, it is just to ensure that you don't leave me first...or ever. I become the bad guy to save myself from the bad guy. And yes, it really is that complicated inside my head.
But then, my love, I'll always be this person- the reader, the dreamer, the kite-chaser, the star-gazer.
I will never fit in, not because I intend to stand apart but because I "can not" and "will not" limit myself for people who don't believe that we are made of stardust, that we are the universe contained in a person, that we are... infinite.
I will not bend myself in half to fit into the small box that is this world's idea of an ideal girl, a proper girl. I will laugh as loud as I want to, dress in as baggy/short/revealing/bright/dark clothes as my heart desires.
I will cry whenever the urge strikes me and I will not let people tell me that I'm weak for doing so. I will NEVER back down like so many people want me to.
I have a voice and a strong one at that. I will raise my voice everytime I stand for something I believe in, something that is right (regardless of what the world believes) & I won't let it be drowned out by hatred and criticism. I WILL BE HEARD!
If I chose to be with you, it'll only be because I want to. I will never need you. I'm sorry but I never will. If you want a damsel in distress, you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm a lot of things but I am not someone who needs to be saved.
This is my normal and if you were to fall in love with me, I think you should know that.
I no longer know if you were even real or not Yet you seem to grow louder in my head every winter And every moment of beauty that I have ever experienced, you were right there, intangible yet I could've sworn I could reach out and touch you. I no longer know if you abide by the rules of existence or if you're just a mirage and I've just been in love with a dream all these years, I no longer know if it's the void your absence left that I try to fill with all these words or if this void was always there and your absence just made me aware of it. Do my words come from you or do you come from my words? How can this world possibily make sense to me without you? But am I ever really without you? Have I ever really been without you? I am convinced that the very notion of my existence must've been conceived for you. I don't see any other reason, any explanation for the unfathomable inarticulate emotions that you invoke in me. It was with you that I understood that you can belong to someone even if you don't belong with them. You will never come back. I understand. I always did. Your lack of a goodbye was as absolute as my 'forever yours' And I accept things the way they are even though don't understand why they are this way. You were so many things to me- a life lesson, my personal forever, the warmth of the sun on a chilly winter day, brown almond eyes, stupid jokes, my muse, the scar wherein all the words and poetry entered and flowed through my system but most of all- Most of all, you were my definition of love And, fortunately or unfortunately, definitions are as absolute as goodbyes.
You don't believe me when I tell you- I am not an enigma, I'm an open book. You tell me I'm written in encryptions you can't decipher And alas! You can't find the key no matter where you look. However, love, I could tell you that observation is the suit wherein you're weak And all you needed to do was observe to have every answer you seek. If only you looked closely, you would know that sometimes when I seem distant, I wear my kohl a little too loud You see that's how I cope with the darkness in me that I can't drown out. If you watched me closely on the days I laugh a little too much, you would easily guess That it's night is one where I am bound to be an inconsolable mess. If you noticed that the nights when insomnia haunts me are the ones where I usually write You would understand that with the demons in my head, that is the only way I know how to fight. If you took the time to know me, you would figure out why I put up so many guards Reason says that there must've been a river where there are now only ice shards. If you read between the lines, you would be horrified at the misery my verse hides And you would be swept off your feet as you realise that sorrow always comes in tides. If only you knew as I do that articulating can make things worse So when I wish to say "I love you", instead I send you a little verse.
I have seen you being the life of countless parties, gatherings, what-nots. I've seen people look at you, talk to you, talk about you, get awed by your confidence, infected by your gurgling laughter which was always funnier than the joke (always!). I've seen you stand at the podium and take a crowd of hundreds by storm.
I've seen you single-handedly handle disasters not many would dare delve their toe into. I've seen you do it for yourself and I've seen you do it for the ones who need it and can't. There's so much I've seen you conquer, so many feathers added to your crown but then everyone has, haven't they? At least that's what they choose to believe and you let them.
I've seen every person you spent more than an hour talking to, assume that they knew everything possible to know about you. I've seen you allow absolute strangers and age-old friends be gulled into thinking that you are an open book, that you're just as much as meets the eye and, in your case, the ear (because of course, the extrovert in you talks too much when he/she is in control). I remember someone asked you once why you let everyone believe that when it is far from the truth, when they didn't have any idea of half the person you were. I remember the look you gave them as you shrugged as if in nonchalance and feigned a laughed. "And what makes you think they are deluded. What makes you think there's more to me?" When they said that it was obvious and that anyone who cared to notice would see that you're like an iceberg and people only see the part of you that you allow them to. I will never forget how vulnerable your eyes grew as you faltered, as the mask slipped away for just long enough for them to see that they had been right, that there was so much more than you let on before you realised what had just come to pass and looked away, waving your hand to dismiss their ideas as ludicrous. "You think too high of me. I better put you on the list of prospective people who are going to write my eulogy." And you hid behind a joke, like you always did.
You are strong, almost too strong for your own good. You never tell people how you take days off from work just to go some place and be on your own, how socializing- the thing you excell at- wears you down and you need to unwind when it gets too much, how you write under a pseudonym because you have an image to live up to and you refuse letting people know that you're so vulnerable, how you never really tell anyone how damaged you are, much less talk about what or who damaged you, how you are everybody's favourite yet have so few people you consider as your friends, how you are everyone's confidante yet you only had a handful of people you trust enough to confide in, how only those trusted few know there is so much the others have no clue about. You are enigmatic without them knowing it and that's just part of your beauty, your charm.
I know what you go through, how tiring the act gets sometimes but I know you won't change it for the world because you refuse to abide so you let them believe what they want- extrovert, introvert- to each his own. You let them believe whatever they choose to because you don't care about labels, you have too much on your plate to concern yourself with such trivialities and I wholeheartedly agree.
Do you know how I know you so well? Because, love, I am an ambivert too.
The following is an opportunity for NEW MEMBERS ONLY or older members who are struggling to establish a readership and get their work looked at.
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