I wrote this letter to my ex on his birthday. More than anything else, through this letter, I wish to talk about how difficult it is to lose your first love, how shattered it leaves you, how scared. You may be 14, 20 or 50 when it happens but the loss of your first love is going to crush you. People have different ways of dealing with it. Some are better at it than others. I was 16 and I dealt with it like the irrational, high-on-fiction teenager that I was (basically, I dealt with it in the worst way) but....it passed and it made me stronger. So if you are going through something similar, specially if you are a teenager, I know it's really excruciating but please understand, you'll be alright and I'm not just saying that for the sake of it. I mean it. And this letter is as much for you as it is for me. May it help you find the closure I did.
It's winters again, love. It's your birthday today. I felt this crushing wave of nostalgia as I used up every ounce of self-restraint that I had to not call you or text you. You had made it abundantly clear last time that you didn't want me to and unlike all previous occasions where I used to text you despite you telling me not to, last time, something changed. I realised how stupid I was being & I felt disgusted with myself. I felt disgusted with how low I had stooped, how my self-esteem and confidence had become non-existent, how I had buried all my dreams & aspirations- all because you won't love me too. It sounds irrational, juvenile even yet it had seemed so justifiable to me, so...natural. I loved you & I would have done all I could in my power to make you want to stay, to make you love me too & I did...and I failed. You can't make people love you but I didn't know that then, did I?
Looking back, I don't regret anything, love. Could I have done things differently? Definitely. Would you have stayed if I'd done things differently? I'm not so sure anymore.
It rained in our hometown tonight. It rained a fair share considering it is the middle of winters and there hadn't been the slightest hint in the whether of any upcoming showers but it's your birthday and I am here, alone- literally and figuratively- as alone as a person can be.
I felt a strange kind of gratefulness, a sense of understanding as if the sky was weeping in solidarity. At least, nature understood. I drenched myself in the rain, even swayed around a little, pretending it was a dance, pretending you were leading me and for a while, it felt like you were. It poured harder and I found myself breaking into a song, humming a tune in rhythm with the pattering of the rain around me. I allowed myself to be with for a while even when I was not. I became words and feelings and emotions. I became the rain that might touch you someday, the wind that would play with your hair, the moonlight that would caress you. I became what I have always been- yours. I smiled and cried and whispered, "Happy birthday, love!" and set it upon the winds to be carried to you.
And when the rain subsided, so did the ache in my heart and all was calm, within and without. All was silent. And I was still yours, yes but I was mine too and after you left, I knew I was all I had.
There's this person in my life and I love him so much. I have to confess that I love him in ways I don't completely understand. He gets me, all of me. With him, everything just seems to fall into place, like it's all going to be alright. He isn't my lover and he isn't supposed to be but I think he did spoil all other loves of my life because now, I know what it can be like. It can be like it would've been if he and I were lovers and that would've been heaven. That would've been...everything!!
The problem is that, if at any point, I feel like I can't get out of it, I will leave for good. It's not about whether I want to or not but about the fact that I have always needed to know, in every situation, that I can leave if I want to. The moment I get the feeling that I might not be able to leave as and when I want, I start feeling powerless, in over my head, I feel like I'll drown. I need to know that I can leave and the minute I start feeling that I might not be able to, I do.
I've kept you alive through my words. If I were to give you up, I would give up writing...I would give up everything. You are all my words & all I have ever penned down has been about you. It will always be about you. Happy birthday, love wherever you may be in this huge wide world. I hope you are happy, loved and blessed.
Because we really just want to believe that it gets better, that there's hope, that love really can be unconditional. We really just want to believe in something that we wish would exist. We are mortals, after all.
We hold onto our belief so tightly, like a child clutching his blanket to his chest, like if we believe long enough, we might be able to will it to be real. We hope against hope. I do, too but then, once you know, it can be really hard to forget.
Understand that regardless of how many times you assure me that you won't, I'll always keep preparing for when you decide to leave.
I can't help it. Something broke in me everytime one of the people who had promised me forever, woke up one fine day and decided he/she didn't need me in his/her life anymore. It happened so many times, it had become a pattern, a vicious cycle and I decided to break it. I didn't know how so I just broke it with another pattern - I left before they could.
I won't be left behind anymore. I would leave. It's okay if you don't get it. I didn't get it either when people left me behind but I hope, unlike me, you will have the maturity to understand that it was never really about you (there's nothing wrong with you!) but about the one who left (in your case, that would be me!), that if you do the same to someone else, you'll just be creating another damaged person & the world already has too many of us.
If there was just one person among all these abandoned people who decided they won't leave, they won't become the pain that they were caused, we could all be saved. I hope someday, I can be that person. Until then, like all damaged people who have a way with words, I will hide behind my words hoping you'll forgive my wretchedness & understand that even when I leave, it is just to ensure that you don't leave me first...or ever. I become the bad guy to save myself from the bad guy. And yes, it really is that complicated inside my head.
But then, my love, I'll always be this person- the reader, the dreamer, the kite-chaser, the star-gazer.
I will never fit in, not because I intend to stand apart but because I "can not" and "will not" limit myself for people who don't believe that we are made of stardust, that we are the universe contained in a person, that we are... infinite.
I will not bend myself in half to fit into the small box that is this world's idea of an ideal girl, a proper girl. I will laugh as loud as I want to, dress in as baggy/short/revealing/bright/dark clothes as my heart desires.
I will cry whenever the urge strikes me and I will not let people tell me that I'm weak for doing so. I will NEVER back down like so many people want me to.
I have a voice and a strong one at that. I will raise my voice everytime I stand for something I believe in, something that is right (regardless of what the world believes) & I won't let it be drowned out by hatred and criticism. I WILL BE HEARD!
If I chose to be with you, it'll only be because I want to. I will never need you. I'm sorry but I never will. If you want a damsel in distress, you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm a lot of things but I am not someone who needs to be saved.
This is my normal and if you were to fall in love with me, I think you should know that.
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