I open my eyes to the endless blue, there's no sun, no moon, no clouds to hide the overwhelming rains. Water tingles my insides as the river takes me in and then leaves, I'm unwanted. Yet it comes again, maybe to drink the tears falling effortlessly like the autumn leaves falling from the distant trees that witness my melancholy. Thier yellow edges blurred like a dream, yes, a dream it is. I can feel the eerie calm of the sky yet dizziness of my mind hums right here. Suddenly awake I get up, look around feeling every colour of this conjuring swirl in my chest. Feel the river, it's sapphire shades familiar to my heart's blue. I'm sitting cross-legged on a stone path joining the two banks. It's a little below the river's water level, little slippery, well, life has always been slippery. I'm at the mid I know, I know enough to tell that it ought to be this way. So I look at the two sides, one by one, the lucrative greens spread throughout the land with dandelion patches and smiling lavender petals. The sweet aroma lights up the surroundings even in the absence of sun. As I close my eyes it feels as if I'm one with the purple bloomers but my ecstasy. There's a tree, giant standing alone among these fields with a rope hanging down, dragging the branch with it's weight. It was once a swing, I remember I used to play there. But now it's a hanging tree with blood stains on the knot or so it seems. I turn to the other side and it's autumn gale caresses my rouged cheeks. I squint my eyes in hope to see clear but it's all blur. The more I focus on this side, an eeriness grows in my heart, there's something not right but I can't put my finger on it. The air feels familiar yet so distant. Second by second my heart yells louder, an instinct to fight, but I still can't figure out what is wrong. Tired of my futile efforts, I look away to find a huge wave about to engulf me. I try to get hold on the stones but it's like they've given up on me. The eeriness grows twisting my insides and I realize a little too late just before the wave hits me that I'm not breathing. . . . . . I can hear the sea and it's waves. With a little hesitation I open my eyes to find that I'm in my room. My phone flashes the wake up alarm and the sound of waves fills my head again. I rush to open my window, longing for a glimpse of the sun. There are flickers of orange and red, the sun isn't up yet but it'll rise soon. I find solace in the sole cloud taking its morning stroll in the blue sky. There are more waves coming to drown me, higher, stronger than the last one. I know I might drown this time but I do what I know, no one taught me how, it is innate, I BREATHE.
We breathe in the sky, Claiming it all But fall short, Letting go of the dreams That once lit up The undaunted eyes. There's nothing we can Hold on to, forever. The roads we designed Are lost in the clouds And we are stranded, In realms of reality.
Cacoethes of mind Drown in confusion, As we struggle To single out our thoughts, From the one's that Were breed to us By the society. Between the banks Of right and wrong, Our ethics flow in grey, Losing singularity In the race for superiority.
We are illusionists, Painting rainbows Over our scars. Carrying cadavers Of buried souls That rest in graves. -Soumya
The static hums of erratic mind, Scribble truth in black ink On parchment of chaotic nights. The wind is tranquil and heavy, Echoing the accelerated heartbeats. Heartbeats of shadows which Mingle and melt into the space. Following the sun biding farewell To the souls sheltered under The subliminal clouded stars. As the kawaakari traces Ichor to the barren lands, Flowers bloom melody, To which the zyphyr dances.
Colors appear in The black syllables, Frequencies of mind Often conjure rainbow chronicles. Pen flows tracing Rivers across Deserted life. Rise and fall Of hazel waves That the palette Furtively contains, Make the dusky sun Appear grey. Setting sorrows Moulded into Flowers wild Blooming splendor, That gleams as Stars at night. World looks A thousand shades Of riveting beauty When seen through Hues of a verse. -Soumya
Bruises Laughing along the mirror licking the scars that are left on my shrinking heart . Sticky palms , holding the smudged lipstick , like a signature on a love letter . Pits of stones Melting into marshmallows , looking like a clown . The air's uneasy , not ideal to write poetries about . The sunshine saturated , gone too soon today . Collapsing in the wine glass amidst the bubbles in it . All the promises and years turning into ashes , blood clots before I could paint my windowpane with it . Don't indulge in anything beyond a point , Poetic phrases not so poetic intercourse , leave the eyelids heavy as if someone rested his wrecked head over them . Smiling while the mascara flows is wrong , but I do it every damn time what's right anyway . The burn caused by choking on breathes pinns me down , not letting me move . The hair smells of detachment . What if all this is a knitted trap And I'm the needle poking , hurting , piercing . Dark circles darker than dark poetries . Have you tasted love ? I call it Risk , Mirage , I make mistakes but I don't learn from them . I'm beyond it getting high in the garden of dried grass . Huh , looking through the mirror come talk to me you Venice Bitch . Cut the crap already What's love anyway .
you think you're not good enough when opportunities come knocking at your door and you simply ignore it summons. you think, they might have pressing the wrong doorbell so you silently wait for them to disappear.
as much as your heart longs to turn the knob, your mind tells you to stop, your legs hesitate, you stumble upon your steps because you're convinced that this is something you're not good at.
and then you complain about your life being plain. you think less of yourself and went back to weeping again.
but listen to what I have to say: conspire against your own brain, take a huge leap of faith, crush the self-doubt and throw it away into the bin, put up a fight with your body, confront yourself and grab that opportunity.
trust me, you don't want someone else to get hold of it; and watch yourself lying at the threshold— envy oozing out of your skin. you must let your fear go through the same door you open to usher the opportunities in.
Pain rested on my windows. Sorrows on my walls.
An uncertain tomorrow stood beneath my feet and the ceiling was about to fall any moment just like my hope.
The world outside was another trap and I couldn't get entangled any less.
I don't know which was heavier. A head full of thoughts, heart full of emotions, shoulders full of responsibilities or the feet that still had to walk carrying all of these.
I felt like crying. The tears were waiting on the cliff and I had to decide if I could let them flow. And I decided to let it stream down to let them know that I was fighting this battle for a long time.
Why are you this fragile? Is weeping and lamenting your only language? You can't do anything if you are this weak. You can't ask for sympathy. But then you are a woman after all ( the delicate creation)
You don't have the right to shed a tear. You are known only for your strength. How can you show this side to people? You will become less of a man. Shut it inside even if its destroying you because you are a man ( the human robots)
Both of them did cry their heart out inside that dark room and they were happy they didn't find their pillows wet with tears that night.
Because this is what they know now.
Its better to cry in your dreams than in the real world because there are consequences when you show your emotions in the daylight. No matter who you are.
I clicked on 'buy'. I bought the tickets for TJ's next match. This was little secret of mine which I was sure not to let even Sam know. I spent the rest of the week setting up my aquarium business with Sam's help. I really enjoyed doing the setups. Just realised that it was TJ again, who introduced me to this interest of mine. Work went really fast before I could realise that everything was over. Used my vlogging channel as a mean to promote my business by making videos on the aquarium setups, make, maintenance and guidance. Had to ignore lot of requests regarding my absence in the platform for the past 5 years.
The times when I did nothing, I was pretty much in anxiety about going to the match. But like every day, that Saturday also arrived. I was texting stupid stuff with Sam to get an idea when he is getting in. Once I confirmed his entry into the arena, I started on my Uber. TJ's fight was the main event so it was the last one for the fight night. I was rubbing my palms, feeling a cavity in my stomach, tackling the cold and I was on level 100 nervous. Even the Uber driver once asked if I needed any medical assistance or need to use a bathroom.
Almost a mile away from the arena and it started raining LED boards with TJ. The fame was huge. I could not interpret the stature he was in. The reception for this fight was presidential. The parking lot itself gave me an anxiety attack in the existing state of nervousness. I though of going back, yet I walked in. When I entered the hall, it was time for TJ's fight. They were cleaning the ring while there were fighters from previous fight giving interviews. I found my seat finally and near me were two girls with TJ name board. One of them poked me;
"You must really love TJ right?" "What?? I can't hear you!"
Imagine 30 thousand people hyped up for a fight which is about to start. And two women among that 30 thousand people trying to talk with each other; I just saw lip movements.
"I SAID, YOU MUST LOVE TJ SOOOO MUCH!" "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"BECAUSE YOU PAID FOR THE ENTIRE EVENT AND ARRIVED JUST FOR HIS MATCH!" "BECAUSE HE IS MY BOYFRIEND.."
"HA HA VERY FUNNY, I AM CLAIRE BY THE WAY, I AM HIS MOTHER.." "I AM AMORA, NICE TO MEET YOU, MOTHER IN LAW!"
It is weird how I was able to sell a truth as a lie in the loudest possible voice of mine. The lights went dim and the match vibe kicked in. First it was the opponent, pretty mixed reaction from the crowd with 70 percent boos and 30 percent cheers. Not gonna lie; that really felt good. Then it was him, when his face appeared on the screens, 30 thousand people went mental all of a sudden. The sound in that arena equalled or overshadowed the sound from Earth rotation. There was electricity in plain air. I cannot explain how nuts the atmosphere was.
For me, it was all of a sudden muted when I saw his eyes. Everything except me and him froze in time. My eyes and his body were the two things moving in that place. He entered the ring and his face changed, as if he felt my presence in this enormous crowd. I have seen him fight several times, this is not that killer instinct face. At that moment we started talking to our minds, without each other hearing.
"Amy you are here, I feel your scent. Amy where are you?" "TJ fight back, why are you letting him beat you?"
"Amy baby please, show up. I am sorry!" "Baby please fight back or forfeit at least, I can't see you bleed."
"Amy do you remember our first kiss?" "Why are you even smiling... I shouldn't have come here."
"That was the single most best thing in my life to date, I mean it." "Do you really know I am here? Why are you getting hurt TJ?"
"I want to kiss you again, please show up! Where are you?" "Enough man, I can't take this. I am leaving..."
"Why is your smell fading? Stay Amy, Stay......" "I can't see you suffer mate, I am leaving. My presence always puts you down."
I walked out of the Arena. Ten seconds later I heard a wild roar that would have rocked the roof of the arena. Followed by the ring announcer's call;
"Ladies and gentlemen! referee Herb Dean has called a stop to this contest at 2 minutes and 42 seconds of round number one. Declaring the winner by TKO; Aaaaaaaaaanddd still.... the UFC light weight Champion; Trevor.... The Diablo... James..."
My instant happiness was hindered by the commentators' following exchanges;
"Where is he running? He hasn't received the belt yet.."
I knew he was running out of the arena. I rushed to hide behind the stairs from where I saw him running out with all teared up eyes and bleeding face. My insides are pushing me to run to him, hug him and kiss him. But my other side is telling me to let him live without my burden. I cried biting my knuckles; not to make a mere noise. I watched everything from a safe distance. Sam followed TJ while he ran out.
"Mate what the hell are you doing? What is wrong?" "Sam... she was here!"
"No she wasn't, she said she won't." 'I know she was there and still she is around somewhere near."
"I will call her and prove you, she is at home." "She is Amy and I don't need proof, she is here. And don't call her. If she doesn't wanna show up in front of me, so be it.!"
I could hear everything they said, I was that close yet so far. My mind was shouting, "No man, I wanna show up and get everything back. But I will ruin your career, I am not a charm, I am a curse!" Then he called all the press who were confused by everything going on. This was gold for them and so they circled him in milliseconds.
"Stop Stop.... I said FUCKING SHUT YOUR MOUTHS. I am not here to take questions. I have to say something loud and clear. I am retiring, I am not obliged to give a reason to anybody but one person. Dude I am sorry for what I did! I am not sure how long you wanna punish me. Now I am not sure if you are punishing me or punishing yourself. Everything has to fucking end and everything cannot be your fault. I want you to remember that I fought because you said so, I am silent because you said so, I stayed away because you said so, I never came for you because you said so and I am not walking towards.... towards.... towards that stairs because..... you know mate. Now I am retiring because I have nothing to fight for dear. I am going to wait; wait where you cannot see me. But you have my number; Goodbye everybody!!"
I shouldn't be alive. He knew where I was and I cannot imagine how that felt, standing so close yet so far. No one understood a word and the crowd cleared as he walked away. I waited for everyone to leave, then I sat on the floor where he stood and spoke to the press. Tears kept running d my cheeks while I kept caressing the floor. Then I notice two girls standing opposite to me holding their phone cameras at me. They started running as I noticed them;
"Wait please, do not post it anywhere... I beg you! wait!"
Those were the girls seated near me and they are gone now; this is not good!
I never woke up after I had slept for a while. This reality which I do not share with my Amy is so fake. Which means, I am still in my coma; dreaming things. Here I am different, cruel, arrogant and some even say pure evil. But is anything my fault? She, with her silence made me think that I shouldn't have met her in the first place. Again, does that make me bad? The options of living had narrowed down to one point and one expectation. The point being survival and the expectation would be Amy.
That day I woke up is still vivid in my mind;
"Trevor, Trevor.... Hello dear!" "Where is Amy?"
"Honey just take it slow.." "Aunt, WHERE THE HELL IS AMY??"
"She... she....." "She what?? Open up!!"
"She is been sentenced for 5 years!" "What?? She was a minor and there are reasons!!"
"That is not the only thing...." "Say it... What is stopping you?"
"Attempt of murder count as well." "On me?"
"Yes..." "Oh my god, oh my god.... I wanna meet her now!"
"Trevor wait... She doesn't want to meet you!" "How do you know?"
"She said me." "Why should I believe you?"
"You can ask the lawyer, it is a statement." "Anything else?"
"She asked you to fight and never visit her, she said you deserve better!" "Aunt, thanks for everything... Good Bye!"
That was the last time I ever saw or spoke with Alice. She is the kind of person who would toss chocolates on the path of a toddler just to eat that baby for lunch. In all these years, I have seen people in the octagon trying to kill me but no one ever had come close to Alice in terms of pure evil. She has no reason to do such things. She is just as evil as Amy's father. Love is not a pass to defend a paedophile; she should have known better.
Every single day I think, did she eat? Did she sleep? How is she feeling? Is she facing any difficulty. She is my queen in its literal sense. She is so delicate. She is the purest form of goodness and yet, she is inside a place for garbage. The feeling on realising that Amy, the innocent of all is among people who are potent enough to torment her, makes me go wild in ring and in real life.
I would say that the anger I have towards God made my fighting career the best in the world. Being rich comes with its own perks. But I had always used my perks for one person only, Amy. I paid officers to get CCTV footage copies of the prison lunch hall and corridors. I had spent millions in the last three years just to see her walk, sit and eat. I donated a lot to that prison in hopes that she gets to eat good food. I watched her watch my fights. And when I point fingers at her, she always cried. Then why Amy? Why are you not calling me?
The last time I saw her was on her mother's funeral. She made eye contact with the invisible me, inside a car. She had no boundaries. But I had a word to keep up and so I left that place. Even when I turned the car, I expected her to stop and call me back; never happened. Amy, I know Alice is evil and I betrayed your trust, but what you are doing to me is worse than everything and I hope you understand that.
Your absence made an eclipse in my life, and light still has not returned yet.
New iMessage: Sam Aqua Amy, sorry girl. I was bothered.
You Its okay. But don't forget what I asked.
Sam Aqua Sure! I will make arrangements.
You Thank You Sam.
Sam Aqua You're welcome. Hey! sure about the fight?
You Yeah man, you go. When is it?
Sam Aqua Next week, Saturday. Why though?
You Need to buy fight pass to stream.
Sam Aqua Okay then. Please come over when possible. We need to discuss a lot.
You I will join you for lunch, we will start from there.
Sam Aqua Can can! See you then.
You Sure indeed.
Just out of curiosity I opened the UFC website to see the available tickets. It was all full, except one ticket is the very last row....