It's 3 am and I'm wide awake thinking about the words you had softly whispered before boarding the midnight flight to be gone for 644 days. "Will you miss me?"
Will I miss you, you ask? "Miss" is a word too inadequate to sum up the feelings I now harbour for you. And it has started scaring me too. For along with them comes the helplessness, the powerlessness of me over myself and believe me I despise nothing more in the world than that state of stark vulnerability. You wonder why I love you and I wonder how to tell you that I don't see how anyone cannot. Your relentless efforts to see my one little smile or the way your arms secure me in a bustling crowd or be it the way you give me wings to let me freely be myself. How can I not be in love with that?
But ofcourse, I'll never let you know all of this. I'll laugh at all your promises with a raised eyebrow and call you an idiot for every "I love you" you utter. I'll mock you at every chance I get and roll my eyes everytime I catch you smiling at me.
You see, I prefer to be the rock you think I am. I cannot be a castle of glass. I'm terrified of shattering.
Funny how I pretend I'm not breaking when Piece by piece of my Happiness leaves A trail of chilled sadness In places, I don't want Anyone to know about.
Funny how I pretend I'm not longing for someone When I sleep on the side Of the bed where I won't See the shadows of the past And I leave the lights open To exorcise the ghosts of those Who left without saying A lukewarm goodbye.
Funny how I pretend I'm not weeping on random nights I am alone in the company Of bottled memories And a suitcase of regrets.
Funny how I pretend I'm not grieving over dead feelings And wilted flowers I've pressed ever so gently In between the lonely pages Of my vintage diary That once upon a time Bed of roses to vows Of endless affection Whispered by sweet lips Glazed with ample deceit.
Funny how I pretend, I'm not faking my smiles and I'm not hurting anymore.
When you are an over thinker and have anxiety issues then trust me nothing helps even if the entire world goes on mute. The noise your mind produces has the ability to snatch your peace as if those are the only supreme substantial stuffs ,one should not think much before paying attention.
The direction you choose may take you to the place where you always wanted to reach but let me tell you people often found opting isolated islands as dream destination. That's how dreams feed on .We never accept the fact that one can't make a home out of abandonment. So while fascinating about living in beautiful islands we forget to assemble the cost part .
As human beings we deal with unlimited quests and spend most of our time chasing behind the answers. Our images in the pages of everyone's life are different and that bother people and ultimately us.People accuse we have multiple personality and the marathon of our thought process gets started . Instead of thinking about the stuff endlessly and finding proper justification to our actions in mind why can't we simply explain them that only sensible people adore that quality . And not every time it is a disorder .Rather it a choosen bliss that stops us smiling at a person with whom we can't be comfortable and it make us remind that addressing every random person as best friends shouldn't be a way to achieve quid pro quo . A chhater box or quiet library that purely depends on the associate in opposite .
They say don't expect. It is the cause of suffering. And all these years I have been trying to perform this .I do even wonder being a human how could someone even think to quit this . I don't know how long will I get to live but I believe during my last period of life also, I will be hesitating to disclose the cardinality of my failed attempts .Failed attempts of not forgetting, not forgiving , not letting go .....
Yes , it becomes easy when you let things go....be it places ,people,beliefs, thougts ,memories or emotions.....But if you hold on to..... within arms ,in your close embrace then be ready for broken ribcage.