If you dream about me, you will never wake up

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  • ink_and_solitude 1d

    Dear Moon

    Dear moon,
    You've stayed until the stars burnt out
    Watching the heartbreaks and the stitches
    And the dull pain with which they went home
    You've seen people, in their places,
    Tumbling against the tide
    Floating like butterflies amongst the mountains of life
    You've giggled with infants at their mother's breast
    Curled up in their cribs
    Dreaming of secrets only you keep
    You've heard the echoing tears and the countless conversations of a poor castaway in some distant land
    Pouring her heart out because it burnt like acid inside
    You've rejoiced with us in the bright Christmas lights and the birthday parties and the two lovers along the rails of a gleaming river
    You've danced with the cold zephyrs of the night that came rolling with the winter snow
    Oh moon, when you take different colours, my eyes flutter at your sheer elegance
    When you do nothing but shine over us wretched fools who've had daggers stabbed in themselves
    When your voice is heard by the mad who can swear by their imaginary gods that they heard the music coming from you
    When you carefully cradle all those wishes and thoughts and prayers, and make them into millions of stars so that everyone finds a place right beside you
    Oh you are so beautiful, moon, so beautiful
    And here as I write my pain to you, I lay my heart out to you because you would only so lightly stroke that useless thing and smile at me as I look up to your pretty face
    And I know our conversations are safe with you which you keep in mason jars and hang them in the night sky
    And you know better than anyone the cuts and bruises and the many bitter pills stuck in my throat because I can't swallow anymore
    And I know you're sad just as me, that you feel sorry for me, and hope something good comes out of the suffocation
    I wish it too, moon
    Won't you let me lie in your feathered glow
    As I weep away my sorrows because tomorrow demands I be upright?
    Won't you give me dreams of Grahame's warm grass beneath me and Spyri's villages and Shakespeare's gondolas?
    Won't you fade away the thoughts that break my heart in a million pieces which I'm left to pick up one by one?
    Won't you give me peace tonight?


  • ink_and_solitude 8w

    Here Lies Our Story

    Amusing is the purity of my 9 year old self
    Holding the comb like a pop princess
    Dancing with the stupid cartoons
    And the wholesome foods of grandma
    A jingle choir in the school bus with friends
    Yes, that year was defining
    Moulding in shape a future NASA scientist
    The same year the word 'suicide' made sense
    And thought of as a joke
    Somewhere the hate for a pretty girl
    Wishing one of the boys would approach
    The year before saw a letter to a celebrity crush
    When crush was something else than orange
    Short hair, chubby cheeks, meek feelings
    A wrong comma brought tears in an exam
    Hop, skip and jump home
    Momma and her cuddles
    Then she grew up
    Some kind of a rebel now
    In blacks and red flags
    Hollywood class in place of cartoons
    Guitars and electronic in place of jingles
    There seemed rules and chains
    That was once a simple thing at youth
    What joy to break them
    Breaking them? Is it really better? Or were the wrong ones broken?
    Ah, look at you now
    All the bad decisions and horrible secrets
    The ones which you hide from momma
    The ones that twist your throat at night
    What a joke was suicide
    That found you popping painkillers
    To cut through the mistakes that run the mascara under your blood red eyes
    Eyes from crying
    Wailing over the 'good' touch and 'bad' touch
    And you welcomed the 'bad' touch
    Because after all feminism had allowed everything
    Screaming at momma through the phone
    Boys that swallowed you and spit you out
    Dreading the thought of home
    That you descended to a delirious corporate job
    From the fascinating black holes of Hawking
    And friends are richer or better than you
    And oh, the filth in your body and mind
    Stinks the 9 year old self
    That you wish you were her now
    Can't you see anymore?
    It's over. It's done.

  • ink_and_solitude 11w


    How did we become the blind depths of oceans,
    Cold and frail as the red skies of war cannons,
    Blazing trickles of corners of our corners
    Like the snowflakes iced in the earth
    Mundane nothingness as complacent
    As driftwood in secret gardens and swamps
    Pouring the lights of heaven
    On starving homeless, lying bald and filthy
    As life rushes by in miles per hour
    The bells that jingle on mountain tops
    Or burning fires beside railroads
    Dry smell of cardboard and stale food
    In this vast meaningless existence
    We are but numb souls
    Not a moment for ourselves
    But for that which ties us in rusty chains
    Fetching water out of a bottomless well
    The thirst never quenched
    Of that which pulls our strings
    While we hallucinate oases in Arabia
    That's what we are, aren't we?
    A storm of sorts within us
    Carving crayon sketches in the perfection
    The lines don't hold, nor do they matter
    But a child's walls don't appeal
    And portraits confine us again

  • ink_and_solitude 13w

    Some Nights

    Come lay with me
    And tell me your stories of the Civil War
    When you lost him in battle
    His beating heart
    Beneath the shimmer of his blue uniform
    As he looked in your eyes
    Resting on the hay in a barn
    Sunlight through the cracks
    Like crystals on both of you
    And the soft threads on your white satin dress
    Basked in his green eyes
    His endearing smile
    Blossoming your cheeks red
    Only some more time
    The sound of a million guns and cannons
    He turned pale
    As time edged closer
    And got up to fix his epaulettes
    Helpless at your mournful face
    Lifting you down with his ever strong arms
    Strapping the Winchester
    And donning his cap
    Embracing your frail body with all the wartime might
    Before running to his duty
    A true soldier
    He won't return tonight
    Or ever
    Oh, you poor angel
    If I was only there to peek through your palms
    And see his reflection
    In your teary pupils
    As you curled your knees to your aching chest
    His bullet punctured body
    In a river of blood
    Swaying behind your closed eyes
    My heart breaks for you, sister

  • ink_and_solitude 13w

    Tell Me

    Tell me your pain
    When you force your smile
    Before your friends
    Who can't see your eyes
    Behind which, lurks the tears of last night
    That you shed in your bathroom
    Washed your face
    Like everything was normal
    Tell me how it felt
    When everyday you wore the same mask
    So they won't ask questions
    When the weight of a thousand sorrows
    Mauled you to the ground
    Begging every spirit you know
    To let you go
    Because you don't have it anymore
    Tell me what happened
    When you were almost there
    Ready as ever to take your life
    To be free of all the thorns
    To leave the world forever
    The fear that gripped you
    Because death is forever
    Tell me your dreams
    When nothing will change
    And no one will understand
    And what's left is you and this wretched world
    And all its sickly demands
    But you can't disobey
    For you need to live somehow
    And the only death is a slow one
    Tell me everything

  • ink_and_solitude 13w

    Until Tomorrow

    On some evenings
    When the first winds of winter
    Rustle the dry leaves
    In the chilly twilight
    Numbing the cartilage of noses
    The invigorating sips of tea
    And a little more sleep
    Beneath the heavy quilts
    Or in the fabric of warm clothes
    Our minds at peace in the mystery of a book
    Or the chords of a country singer
    Or amongst friends and favourite snacks
    Watching the bright sun
    Dip below the horizon
    And the sky was a medley of blue, white and orange
    And the children return from play
    And the windows of houses light up
    Wine and laughter and a fireplace
    And charcoal sketches in a journal
    And a sniffle or two with warm soup
    The winds move quicker
    The night is calm and quiet
    And tomorrow is forgotten

  • ink_and_solitude 13w

    Hell Is A Good Place

    There was a body on the floor
    He didn't move
    His face was swollen
    From the hate of his youth
    Eyes gouged out and yellow
    The veins in the whites
    All dried up
    His mouth reeked of curses
    Open like a cave
    A half cut tongue fidgeting inside
    Plague growing on his teeth
    Rigor curling the limbs
    The body contorted in despair
    He laid there, ugly and motionless
    Like the devil spat on him
    Populated by truthful roaches
    Eating the skin on his cheeks
    And the meat of his tongue
    And the gaps in his hair
    Moving all along the cold, stiff and rotten body
    Everywhere the plague grew
    A black deformed mass
    Spreading in the muscles
    In the loins and the guts
    In the toes and the thighs
    Hands full of scars
    I stood over him
    Enticed by the fantasy
    Salivating at the horrendous sight
    He was my rapist
    Choked me, that slut!
    What a treat to watch!
    Hell is a good place.

  • ink_and_solitude 13w

    I know

    I know
    The poison that rots your senses
    Whispering lies to keep you quiet
    Screaming in the dark
    Nails etching the floor
    I know
    What you overthink so much
    Fireworks searing the membranes
    Ghosts, so many of them
    Infecting your moments of peace
    I know
    They're all better than you
    You're the worst
    They'll win the batshit race
    You'll die for being different
    I know
    Gutters of rats and clowns
    Bloodshot eyes and gnashing teeth
    Appearing in your nightmares
    Paralysing, as you convulse
    I know
    You want to run away
    Far away in the mountains
    Echoing with ceremonies of shamans
    Drifting in the drugs
    Blurred in smoke and visions
    But they're not done yet
    They're not done chewing your meat
    They own you
    Your emotions and feelings and thoughts and dreams
    You'll die a hunchback
    Soaked in diseased venom
    Eyes clawed out
    Fingernails broken and bloody
    Mouth full of insects and rotten spit
    Scarred skin and squirmy body
    They'll let you go now
    You coward
    You never said anything
    You lost the war
    I know

  • ink_and_solitude 14w


    Ah, yes
    We've all been there
    Last night, they agreed
    Promised to talk everyday
    Eager to make it work
    Because apparently
    You matter to them
    Here you are again
    Opening your phone every minute
    To find your dearest friends
    Loving and concerned for you
    But you're looking for them
    Something, anything
    What did they say, again?
    Evening, was it?
    It's night now
    Your eyes are burning
    Your heart is pulsing
    Something wrong with the internet
    Relive everything last night
    Again and again
    Feel the same emotions
    Hit you like a giant surge
    It was supposed to be magic
    The beginning of something
    You were going to make it work
    A few minutes for each other
    It's 5 o' clock
    Please sleep for sometime
    You know they passed out
    You have your own work tomorrow
    Just like they have theirs
    And they'll forget again
    That there's a pained soul
    Who hasn't slept for two nights
    Waiting and waiting for one word
    It's okay, they'll apologize
    Then it's back to the same thing
    I'm sorry for you

  • ink_and_solitude 14w


    Oh, we are weak
    Somehow we fall for that one person
    Who'll never groove to the same music
    Or like the baked smell of books
    Or bargain like lousy cheapskates
    And marvel at the glittering stars
    With our heads tilted on their shoulders
    Mumbling some dreams
    And watching us fall asleep
    Oh, how much we crave those deep conversations
    The ones where our eyes meet
    Ears burning from excitement
    Politics and activism and the newest gossip
    Someone to call us the prettiest of all when the mirror tells another truth
    Or hold hands as we walk through the fire
    Or sneak out at night
    To kiss our tears and order pizza
    While cozying up to an old Hollywood flick
    But they'll laugh at these
    Call us babies and tell us to grow up
    That we're being unreasonable
    Then those nightly calls and sweet talks
    Suddenly they miss us
    Oh, we fell again
    Followed them like wounded dogs
    And watched them sleep so calmly
    Our hearts and minds blinded in denial
    Still smiling because we love them
    Or we think so
    Then we cried in silence
    Thinking it's going to get better
    Poor naive us
    Somethings never catch our eye
    Kindness that we never speak of
    That steals our hearts
    Because the one we love is so different
    And the one we want doesn't love us back