stay away :)
Somebody asked me once to put my hand on my heart and feel what it says. He said, “Our heart guides and tell us what is right. It is not just a simple organ pumping blood in the body because, in philosophy, it's way more than that. Life is beautiful and love is a part of our life. When anyone takes the name of the person whom we love then it gets warm. It will make you feel satisfied with the little things that life will give you. Don't ever ignore what it says. Can you hear something now, tell me what can you feel?”And I said, “Nothing. It just hurts”.~
I accept that I'm crazy and mad. I do stupid things but I only need is care. You have to be patient with me and handle my things. I would tell you everything if you'll ask me because I trust you. When I say don't go and stay with me then, please stay. I need you at that time. I know when I ask you suddenly to tell something good then you get confused because it's normal. If you'll suddenly ask me to tell you something good then maybe I too won't be able to say anything. If I next time ask you the same then, can you tell me that you are here with me, always? Tell me that I'm strong because I'm fighting with all these things for a long and still haven't given up. Tell me that you believe in me and you are proud of me and I will survive all this. Tell me that everything will be okay one day and I will be happy again. Tell me that you will never leave me alone. Will you? ~
Idk what I'm writing. Completely shit and totally random. *-*
I don't fall in love with people easily, neither I get attached to them. Some call me heartless and cruel because I leave people and maybe I have left them too but ask about me from the people with whom I am close. They will tell you that I'm hopelessly romantic, emotional, and crazy. I care so much about them that at times, I even forget to care about myself and everyone else. I devote myself wholly to them and only them because, for me, there is nothing more important than the person whom I love. Because if I said that “I love you”, I mean it. I will always stay with you no matter what the conditions will be. Until and unless you give me enough reasons to go away. I can cry the whole night, trying to fix the damaged pieces of your soul if you are broken. I will rinse your hideous scars with my bloodshed tears if they hurt. I can sing you songs for hours if you are feeling alone. I can make you laugh with my silly jokes if you are sad. Just let me try. Give me a chance. If I said that I love you then let me tell you, I can do anything for you, to make you happy. I'm not just a normal girl, I can trade my smile to bring you happiness. But I can do nothing if you are making boundaries for me. I know my heart and I know what love is. If I said that I love you then risk your heart to love me back. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.~
Lately, I've forgotten how to write like I used to do. All I can do now is pen down the crap of my mind which keeps disturbing me over and over. But scribbling this pain randomly isn't helping me anymore. I have read numerous self-help books but still, I can't understand how to help myself? How to be better and kind? And can I ever be good and happy and whatever I used to be, again? I don't know. I can't even remember my old self sometimes. I used to be so optimistic and it's been so long now that I haven't seen any trace of real enjoyment on my face. This fake smile plastered on my lips is bothering me now. How can we exist and die together, all at once? This life is a paradox and I don't know how to escape it. I've my ways to run from reality for a short period but things stop working after some time. Staying at the same place with the same condition with no visible change (apart from worsening the condition) hurts. It hurts a lot. Crying hurts and not crying as well hurts. Everything hurts at times and the hurt is so unbearable that I can't tolerate it. For how long I can run from things? I don't have enough courage to accept them. I don't have enough courage to live life.~
Don't dare to read!!
15 Jan, 2021
I don't know what is more wrong. Hurting people or hurting yourself. Regardless, I do both. I have hurt people so much that many of them are broken now, because of me. Some people who called me their friends and maybe not just called, they valued and loved me so much and what I did to them? I left. I knew that it will hurt them but still, I did. I don't know why I'm like this. I leave everyone. I don't know why I can't talk to people. Why can't I be normal and care for their feelings? Do they bore me or do they bother me or do they hurt me? I don't know. They do nothing, they just try to give me love and I can't value that love. I don't know how to be good to people. I'm so unkind and insensitive. I talk to people and never feel connected. No matter how hard I try, I just can't feel anything. After days, and months, and even years of talking, I leave like it didn't even bother me. And it doesn't. Nothing has ever bothered me. They are so opened up and happy while talking to me and I pretend to like them and talk to them. But the truth is I hate them. I hate everyone. It is not hate. I just don't necessarily like them. I don't know. Anyways. They try to make me feel better but I don't let them. I'm so harsh. I don't know why I'm like this and I hate myself for being me. I hate myself so much.~
Crap of my mind after getting a few stabs from loneliness. Don't read. Will delete it later.
Things hurt, people hurt, love hurts. Everything hurts at some moments. Living becomes hard because we feel so alone in a crowd of people. Some dealing with their issues, some having fun, some loving each other and some are stuck in the memories of their incomplete love. I don't know to which category of people I belong but what I know is that I'm feeling lonely right now. Many times in a day, I remember you and the things we did together. But not so often I feel a need of you but whenever I do, it kills me. It hurts so much to exist and breathe in a world where you don't exist. People make me feel like either I'm not made for love or else they are not made for me. It hurts when I try so hard to be the best version of myself to be loved but still I don't get what I want. Maybe we can't always get what we want but why every time? Why life is so hard on me? I know it's hard on everyone, if not everyone then on most of the people but still. I'm weak. I can't bear the pain of being desolate anymore. But who cares? Everyone's engaged in their own lives so much that understanding someone else's point and the situation is not a matter of concern or care anymore. I don't know what I'm writing and thinking this time, maybe I'm just not in the right state. Or maybe I'm actually not made for happiness and love.~
12 Jan, 2021
No matter if I'm having a good day or bad or normal, whenever anxiety attacks me, it turns out always horrible. Breaths fell short and tears don't stop falling from eyes. The mind becomes completely numb. All the optimistic thoughts flew away in seconds. Everywhere is negativity. Comforting words, good music, favorite quotes, and even writing don't help. I don't know what to do. Just a few moments before I was happily reading a good book. My mind was fresh and then some people, close ones, said something that triggered me. Every little thing triggers me. I fucking don't know why I am like this but that's how I am. I know I am not normal like they and other people are but why they can't understand me and treat me well. I trust myself that I can do anything, why fucking they want me to prove it. I don't have to prove myself. I know I can so I can. Mind your own damn business. Don't make me feel like shit again and again. I'm happy with my fucking unworthy existence. I'm happy staying alone in my room most of the time. I'm happy reading books or scrolling through random pictures or quotes on Pinterest. Just don't disturb me. I feel unsafe around you, around anyone, except my dog. So let me be alone with him because I'm happy this way. Not everyone needs to stay outside and hang around with their friends and talk to other people or whatsoever normal people do. This is my normal. Staying alone is normal. Let me stay alone and let me do what I want to. I know what is right for me and what is wrong. You just take care of yourself. Peace out.~
I heard that people don't reply once they become a part of the world of stars but my heart refuses to believe in it.
With the collapsing light, this night will collapse the left glint of affection in me as well. For how long I can carry the love for someone, who never cared enough to even give an excuse for why he didn't reply to the letters which I send him to the stars, written with the words of the blue?~
10 Jan, 2021
Some days you do absolutely nothing or maybe you do things but you feel nothing? Your sanity whirls around some silly memories of the past or maybe around what you did last day or maybe around the despair of today's morning. You just can't think properly about what you are doing and what you want to do. Everything is going with the flow, you make dumb mistakes and then curse yourself for them and then start again? But at some moments, you feel somewhat relieved as you are not necessarily sad like some other past days but you are not happy either. Emptiness is an emotion, a strong emotion. It can make you do things that you never wanted to do and even you won't be able to understand are you doing right or wrong? The complexity of the void of your mind is so overwhelming at times. Emptiness will not make you feel empty, it makes you feel overfilled, with ridiculous thoughts. On normal days, even on the sad ones, who the heck thinks about what did that stranger on the mall asked you while you were busy using your mobile phone and you didn't hear him that time. I spend hours scribbling spirals on blank pages until they get filled. I made coffee and added sugar two times to it and the worst thing was I drunk that blank minded. I hate extra sweetness in my drinks and today, it didn't even seem to bother me, not even a little. It is not funny, it is serious. Emptiness is terrible, very awful. ~
For me :D
9 Jan, 2021
Today, I learned that life will give you hurt but the hurt will teach you a lesson. You are a human being and humans tend to make mistakes. Everything you do cannot be perfect. But it doesn't mean that you should give up. Trust me, you can do anything. Nobody can make it all perfect on the first try but as time will pass, you will be perfect in your things. Remember the time when you started writing. You didn't know anything about it. But you did not give up. You continue writing lame one-liners and your stupid poems with silly rhymes. Can you remember that? I know you laugh reading all that. So don't give up. I have faith in you that you can do everything. People will find mistakes in you but some will support you. Don't let the negativity overwhelm the positivity. Stay positive. Life is fun and trying new things. Explore every part of it. Do what you want to do, even when you are not good at that. Enjoy everything for life is all about enjoying.~